GULDO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cuts to the Ginyu Force's space pods slowly opening up with the Ginyu Force flying up in front of Freeza)
CAPTAIN GINYU: Men, Introductions. (does a pose) Ginyu!
JEICE: (poses) Jeice!
BURTER: (poses) Burter!
GULDO: (poses) Guldo!
RECOOME: (poses) Recoome!
CAPTAIN GINYU: And together, we are...
["SANJOU!! GINYU TOKUSENTAI!!" OPENING SEQUENCE]
(short silence as the Ginyu Force holds their pose in Front of Freeza)
FREEZA: (thinking) Sure is Zarbon in here...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Lord Freeza. thank you for this chance to serve you.
RECOOME: AND BUST SOME HEADS!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Quite. But before we go down to business, Jeice?
JEICE: Yes sir, cap'n. Here you go, Lord Freeza. The new up-to-date scouters.
FREEZA: Good. And they have the ringtone I wanted?
CAPTAIN GINYU: Yes, sir. (presses a button on his scouter)
(Freeza's scouter starts playing "F" by Maximum the Hormone with a text that reads "Incoming Call From: Ginyu")
FREEZA: Glorious. Now, as you have been informed, Vegeta and a few other pests have taken my DragonBalls.
RECOOME: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Vegeta?
BURTER: Little Veggie?
GULDO: What's a DragonBall?
RECOOME: Recoome can't believe he had it in him.
BURTER: I know, right?
GULDO: What's a DragonBall?
FREEZA: Yes. It turns out Zarbon and Dodoria weren't enough. I've called you five here to get them back.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Easy enough. Would you rather them dead or alive?
FREEZA: Either or.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Dead it is! Ginyu Force, assemble!
(the Ginyu Force huddles up and perform a warm up routine)
BURTER: Speed of light and strength of all...
RECOOME: The Ginyu Force shall make them fall!
JEICE: Lord King Cold's army's strongest force...
GULDO: We'll rid them all, secure the course.
CAPTAIN GINYU: If trouble meets us as we pass...
GINYU FORCE: We'll shove our fists right up their ass!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Ginyu Force...
GINYU FORCE: Move out!
(the Ginyu Force flies away while the camera cuts to Freeza, who puts on his scouter and starts playing "F" by Maximum the Hormone again while smirking)
(cuts to outside Guru's house)
VEGETA: We're dead! We are dead! All dead! All gonna die! Dead Men Be We! A cornucopia of pain and despair is coming our way to ensure our demise! We are SO going to die-e-e! Why-y-y-y?!
GURU: Naaaail. Slap him.
(a slapping sound is heard)
KRILLIN: (off-screen) Ow!
GURU: Thank you.
VEGETA: Every fiber of my being wants to puke at once when I say this... but I need your heeeeh... I need your heeheeeeh...
GOHAN: You need our help?
VEGETA: That, yes.
KRILLIN: All right. But if we're gonna be a team, we need a name!
VEGETA: No, we don't.
KRILLIN: Ooh, I know, how about "Team Three Star"?
KRILLIN: Well, we're a team, and there's three of us, and the DragonBalls have stars on them. "Team Three Star"!
VEGETA: That just makes me want to kill you even more. And you're still only the second most annoying bald person I've ever had the displeasure to work with.
KRILLIN: Team Three Star, move out! (flies away)
VEGETA: I swear to God... (flies after him)
(cuts to Bulma sitting in a chair and taking a nap before a blasts come sout of nowhere and nearly hits her, causing her to wake up. camera goes to Vegeta slowly walking up to her, eyes glowing red in anger)
VEGETA: Hello, Earth woman... (Bulma stammers in fear) You know what I want... Now give it to me!
BULMA: (scared and pointing to a DragonBall nearby) The... The DragonBall's right there.
VEGETA: Oh, I'm not here for the DragonBall...
BULMA: Wh... What?
VEGETA: Spread 'em...
(Bulma closes her eyes and prepares for the worst, but suddenly, the camera cuts to her falling down from her chair, showing Krillin untying the DragonBall from her leg)
KRILLIN: Taking the DragonBall; bitch at me later!
VEGETA: Your hair looks stupid. (he and Krillin fly off)
GOHAN: Sorry, Bulma. (flies off)
BULMA: ALL OF MY HATE!
(cuts to Vegeta, Krillin, and Gohan flying at top speed in midair)
GOHAN: Vegeta...? If you don't mind me asking, what are we in for?
VEGETA: You ever watched Power Rangers?
VEGETA: Ninja Turtles?
VEGETA: Sailor Moon?
VEGETA: Beetle... Borgs?
VEGETA: V.R. Troopers?
VEGETA: Samurai Cyber-Squad?
VEGETA: ...Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters From Beverly Hills?
GOHAN: Oh, yeah!
(the trio lands in the area where Vegeta has stolen the five other DragonBalls)
VEGETA: (runs up towards the five DragonBalls) Yes! We made it here before the Ginyus. Come on, let's get this over with and... (notices Gohan and Krillin standing far away from him, Krillin still holding a Dragon Ball, glaring) What the hell are you two doing?
KRILLIN: We don't think we can trust you. You still haven't pledged your allegiance to Team Three Star!
VEGETA: What are you, dense? The Ginyu Force could be here any second and then we're--
CAPTAIN GINYU: Hi, Vegeta.
VEGETA: Hi, Ginyu. And then we're... (stops himself and notices that the Ginyu Force has arrived) Son of a *Scouter beep* *beep*ing *beep* beast! Why the *beep* does all this *beep*ing s*beep*t happen to me? (in background while Ginyu and Jeice speak) Well as far as I care these, miserable *beep* can have a *beep* *beep*gy...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Jeice, please.
JEICE: (pressing a button on his scouter, causing it to beep the moment Vegeta "curses") Sorry cap'n, the scouter's acting a bit wonky..
VEGETA: ...with a goddamn pig!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Are you done?
VEGETA: (exhales) Yeah.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Very good. Now, to cut straight to the point: I want those two DragonBalls you have there.
GULDO: (off-screen) Oh, so THAT'S a DragonBall.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Supposedly there are seven in total, if my report is correct. And the other five are...
KRILLIN: (scared) Right behind you!
VEGETA: My God, man. You just cannot...
KRILLIN: (still running his mouth quickly) Shut up when I'm scared, I know. I once had a crush on a little Indian boy that I thought was a girl.
VEGETA: Please kill him... Seriously, he won't be missed...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Well, I do believe that accounts for everything. Before I take these DragonBalls and leave my associates here to clean up, is there anything you'd like to say to me, Vegeta?
VEGETA: As a matter of fact, there is. Look at your men, and now back to me. Now look back at your men, back to me. I am not your men, I'm flipping you off. Now look at the ground, back to me. Where's the DragonBall? It's gone! (shows a DragonBall flying off in the air) I threw it! And THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING YOU CAN...
BURTER: (lands with the DragonBall) Here you go, boss.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Thank you, Burter.
BURTER: It's what I do.
VEGETA: But-- But I chucked that son of a bitch as hard as I could!
BURTER: Oh, you can't beat my speed, I’m the fastest in the universe.
KRILLIN: (off-screen) That's what she said!
VEGETA: We're all going to die, anyway. So... (looks at Krillin) Baldie, break the ball!
KRILLIN: What the--? I...
VEGETA: Punch the damn thing!
KRILLIN: AAAAAA... (tries punching the DragonBall, only to injure his hand) OW, my hand!
VEGETA: Hit it harder!
KRILLIN: But I...
KRILLIN: YAAAAA... (punches the DragonBall again and screams in pain)
(Vegeta continues to demand Krillin to hit the DragonBall harder off-screen, only for Krillin to do so and groan in pain)
RECOOME: Uh, Guldo. Don't you think you should...
GULDO: Oh? Oh right, that thing I do... stopping time, yeah. One sec.
KRILLIN: WAAAAA... (prepares to hit the DragonBall again but it suddenly disappears) What? I...
VEGETA: What? Where did it go?
(Guldo is seen holding the DragonBall)
GULDO: See this, Vegeta? This is for all the time you used to embarrass me!
(flashback of Vegeta and Guldo's last meeting)
GULDO: Hey, Vegeta. How's it going?
VEGETA: Oh look, it's Guldo! You want a biscuit, boy? You want a biscuit?
GULDO: ...Do you think I'm a dog?
VEGETA: Have a biscuit! (throws a dog biscuit at Guldo's head)
GULDO: (growls in anger)
(back to present)
GULDO: And now, it will be YOU who rolls over and plays dea-- (gets hit in the head with a dog biscuit, causing him to growl in anger, eyes shown being bloodshot red)
CAPTAIN GINYU: All right, everyone settle down! Before I take these DragonBalls to Lord Frieza, it's time for everyone's favorite game...
JEICE, BURTER, GULDO, & RECOOME: WHEEL... OF... DEATH!
(a wheel appears on the screen with a city background)
CAPTAIN GINYU: Now, for the folks viewing at home, the rules are simple. One of my men will spin the wheel, and whoever it lands on, he kills! (wheel spins and lands on Vegeta)
VEGETA: What the--? When did you have time to set this up? And... is that a camera?
(cuts to inside Freeza's throne room, with Vegeta's face shown on the monitor)
VEGETA: (from monitor) What kind of sadistic retard watches this crap?
FREEZA: Love this show.
(cuts to Captain Ginyu)
CAPTAIN GINYU: All right, first contestant...
(wheel starts spinning)
GULDO: Come on, Vegeta! Come on, Vegeta! (wheel lands on "Kid with Stupid Hair & Bald Guy") AAARGH! Re-spin, re-spin, re-spin!
RECOOME: Lucky little bastard got two of 'em...
BURTER: Alright, let's give this sucker a spin.
(wheel starts spinning and lands on "Vacation")
CAPTAIN GINYU: Congratulations! You've just won a free all-expense-paid trip to Space Australia!
BURTER: Oh, you've got to be freaking kidding me...
JEICE: Oh, hey, Space Aus'! That's me home planet!
KRILLIN: Wait, hold on. You're from Australia?
JEICE: Space Australia! Or more specifically, Space Brisbane. (holds up a small flag) Go Space Broncos!
KRILLIN: So... it's like... Australia...
JEICE: In space. Gotta be careful though, Burter. Space dingo will eat your space baby... Like me sister... Poor Sheila.
VEGETA: Can we please get on with this?
JEICE: Oh, right, let's have a go then. (wheel starts spinning and lands on "Bankrupt") Ohh, piss off, ya great blooming pinwheel!
BURTER: Oh great. That means Vegeta goes to...
RECOOME: Yes! (to Guldo) In your face! (to Vegeta) Vegeta, your time is coming! Soon, you will face the End-All, the Be-All, the Plead-All... REEEECOOOOME!
GOHAN: I swear, I don't even know what's going on anymore...
CAPTAIN GINYU: All right gang, it's time for me to head off. Try not to mess up your uniforms and be back by 05:00!
JEICE, BURTER, GULDO, & RECOOME: Yes Captain!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Ciao! (flies away with all seven DragonBalls)
KRILLIN: So, uh, I guess we are fighting the little green guy over there?
VEGETA: Yeah, that's Guldo, have fun with him.
KRILLIN: Any strategies?
VEGETA: Throw dog treats at him.
KRILLIN: How would that help?
VEGETA: I'll find it hilarious.
KRILLIN: Well, come on, Gohan. We're strong enough to take this guy! Just keep your guard up!
GULDO: That's right, keep on your guard. Don't drop it... not even for an instant! ZA WARUDO!!!
KRILLIN: What are you... (screen pauses, goes inverted, then goes back to normal) ...going on about--? (gets crushed by a steamroller)
GULDO: You see that? That was just a taste of my power--! (Krillin is seen lifting the steamroller) ...Huh?
KRILLIN: (tosses the steamroller away) GAH-HA! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?
GULDO: (dumbfounded) That...was supposed to crush you.
KRILLIN: Gohan... Did you see it? His power. He can...
GOHAN: Stop time?
KRILLIN: ...summon steamrollers!
GOHAN: Y... You're sure about that?
KRILLIN: Positive! Go for him!
(Krillin and Gohan start charging at Guldo)
GULDO: You fools... WAAH! (freezes Krillin and Gohan in midair and starts laughing) My psychic powers are unrivaled in all the galaxy! You stood there and mocked me... The whole world stood there and mocked me! But now, you find yourselves slaves to my whim! Feel the earth fall out from under you, your world shatter! As I... AM... YOUR... why can't I feel my everything? (camera zooms out to show his head on the ground) Oh...
(Guldo's body topples on the ground after being decapitated by Vegeta)
GULDO: (thinking) This is the end of the road... The end for me... I-I wonder... Will I dream...?
(Guldo gets hit in the head with a dog biscuit)
GULDO: (to Vegeta) I f***ing hate you.
VEGETA: I know. (blasts Guldo's head)
["TOKUSENTAI!!" ENDING SEQUENCE]
VEGETA: Son of a gum-chewing funk monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me? Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! Like this whole world just likes to bend me over and find me in the Alps! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue with a Goddamn pig!