ZARBON: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cuts to a darkened sky with Vegeta somehow acquiring all seven DragonBalls and summoning Shenron)
NARRATOR: Last time on DragonBall Z Abridged...
VEGETA: Finally! I’ve gathered all seven DragonBalls!
SHENRON: State your wish.
VEGETA: Dragon! Grant me immortality!
SHENRON: Your wish is granted. (eyes start glowing red)
VEGETA: Yes! I've done it! I'm finally the strongest in all the universe! WAH HA HA HA HA HA!
(cuts to Vegeta lying on the ground, unconscious and with Zarbon beside him checking his pulse)
VEGETA: (groggily) I am unstoppable...
ZARBON: Oh, how cute, he's having a little dream.
VEGETA: (groggily while twitching his left foot) Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
ZARBON: Now let's get you back to Lord Freeza. I need to... probe you for information.
(Zarbon starts flying while dragging Vegeta)
VEGETA: (groggily) My power is maximum...
(cuts to an outside view of Freeza's ship and then inside with Appule playing Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3 while Vegeta is seen inside a healing tank)
APPULE: (while playing as himself and beating up Bardock) Take that, you bastard! This one's for Echpe!
ZARBON: (entering the room) Report!
APPULE: (turns off video game) Ah... I just... I'm just checking... his vitals.
ZARBON: Is he going to make it?
APPULE: Well, it's a good thing you got him to me when you did. Even a little later and we might not have been able to save him.
ZARBON: Why isn't he naked?
APPULE: Luckily, we... What?
ZARBON: In the healing tank, I always thought you needed to be nude.
APPULE: Wha-- Why would you think that?
ZARBON: You know, to... absorb all the healing juices.
(Appule gives Zarbon a blank stare)
ZARBON: Well, looks like you have everything under control here! (quickly takes his leave)
APPULE: Freaks me the f**k out...
(a whistling sound is heard along with the sound of someone tapping a microphone)
GHOST NAPPA: Is this thing on? (tapping sound of a microphone is heard again) Is it on? (Vegeta gurgles) Okay, there we go. A-Ha-Hem! You are now thinking about what Zarbon did to you while you were unconscious. Have fun with that.
VEGETA: (starts growling inside the healing tank)
APPULE: You know, Vegeta, I got to admit, it was pretty impressive how you went all manhunter on us. But now, you're all ours. And I can't wait to watch Zarbon break you like a glow sti...
(Vegeta awakens and the healing tank starts to light up with energy)
APPULE: (in his thought while getting engulfed by the light) Here I come Echpe!
(cuts to Freeza's throne room)
FREEZA: (speaking to Captain Ginyu in the Space Skype) And I want you here in twenty-four hours, understood? And make sure to bring the up-to-date scouters.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Understood, Lord Freeza.
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, I really need to use the Space Skype.
FREEZA: Zarbon, what could possibly be so important that you need to interrupt me during my call?
ZARBON: Well, I need to call my girlfriend.
FREEZA: Well, I... (glances over his shoulder in shock) Ginyu, I'll call you back. (disconnects Space Skype and drops back down to floor level) Come again?
ZARBON: You see, our one-year anniversary is coming up, and I want to see where she wants to go so we can make reservations early.
FREEZA: Oh... and all this time I could've sworn you were... never mind.
ZARBON: What? You thought I was single?
FREEZA: Well, no, I just... I thought you were into... you know, it really doesn't matter.
ZARBON: Well it matters to me, because, frankly it sounds like you thought I was--
ORAN: Lord Freeza! Vegeta's broken out of the healing (gets blasted by Freeza) TAAAAANK!
FREEZA: Oh no, that minion died. Could you go fix that? We'll continue this conversation never.
ZARBON: ...Did he say something about Vegeta?
(an explosion occurs off-screen)
FREEZA: Zarbon... Who did you leave guarding him?
(cut to the wrecked lab and what's left of Appule)
FREEZA: Appule?! You left Appule here?!
ZARBON: Well I thought he could handle it!
FREEZA: Appule couldn't handle a shot of raspberry schnapps, much less Vegeta! Oh, where's the damn phone, I need to make another call.
ZARBON: Yes, sir! I'll go look for Vegeta, he won’t get far! (flies out of the ship and searches for Vegeta)
(cuts to Vegeta entering Freeza's room, which shows five unguarded DragonBalls)
VEGETA: (thinking) Yes, that's right, search all over for me, Zarbon. Of course you'd never think to check inside your own ship! You know what they say, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. (starts laughing)
RANDOM MINION: (off-screen) Lord Freeza, I found him!
VEGETA: Ah, f**k it. (fires a ki blast, blasting a hole through the ship)
RANDOM MINION: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(cuts to outer space, with five space pods seen flying to Planet Namek)
FREEZA: (through speaker) Ginyu, hurry up; double time! Zarbon really screwed the pooch on this one!
ZARBON: (through speaker) Lord Freeza, Vegeta’s really giving us a pounding!
FREEZA: (through speaker) I’m coming, Zarbon! Quick, grab my balls! (turns off speaker)
(short pause before the Ginyu Force starts laughing hysterically)
(cuts to Vegeta blasting a hole through the window of Freeza's throne room and starts tossing all of the DragonBalls out of the ship)
VEGETA: (to the tune of "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts")
♪I've got a lovely bunch of DragonBalls, do-do-do-do-do♪
♪Here they are, all sitting in a bunch, doo-doo-doo♪
♪One star, two star♪
♪All as big as my head!♪
♪Give them a toss♪
♪A planet across♪
♪That's how Vegeta wins, bye-bye!♪ (leaps out of Freeza's ship)
(cuts to Freeza and Zarbon arriving at the throne room)
FREEZA: Dammit all to hell, he's gone! And he took off with my DragonBalls!
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, I’ve found a note! (holds out a note)
FREEZA: Let me see that! (sees the note) It just says "Dear Freeza", and it's a picture of a butt.
ZARBON: ...Can I see it, Lord Freeza?
FREEZA: Vegeta. DragonBalls. NOW!!!
ZARBON: (flies out of Freeza's ship) Yes sir! (thinking) Dammit, he's up here somewhere! I just need to spot the bastard!
(cuts to Vegeta's head sticking out of a lake)
Vegeta: (in his thoughts) Later, bitches.
(sinks into the water, making submarine noises while doing so)
(cuts to Goku inside his spaceship)
GOKU: Whew! It's taken me five whole days, but I'm finally up to a hundred times gravity! It's a good thing that I brought along all these Senzu. Aww, man, it looks like we only have four left. Oh well, we won't need that many on Namek. (eats one Senzu Bean) Om nom nom! Mmm, tastes like healing!
KING KAI: (telepathically) Hello, Goku? Do you hear me? I swear to God, if this is George Takei again, I'm gonna shove a brick up the Verizon guy's ass.
GOKU: King Kai?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Ah, there you are, Goku. (cuts to King Kai observing Goku's spaceship from his planet) I see you're on your way to Namek.
GOKU: I'm gonna beat someone up!
KING KAI: Of course you are. But listen! There is someone on Namek that you must absolutely stay away from. You hear me? He’s even stronger than Vegeta, and he--
GOKU: I know!
KING KAI: What?
GOKU: I'm gonna beat him up!
KING KAI: Goku, no. This is nothing like Vegeta; it is much, much worse.
KING KAI: He is known throughout the galaxy as the most terrifying and evil person there is!
KING KAI: He's conquered hundreds of planets, and slaughtered billions of people!
GOKU: (excited) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
KING KAI: STOP IT! Stop—getting—excited! Now promise me you will not fight him!
GOKU: (telepathically off-screen) Ooo, I can see Planet Namek! (neon buzzing sound is heard) Naw, wait, naw, it's fake.
KING KAI: Goku! Seriously! Promise me that under no circumstance will you go anywhere near Freeza!
GOKU: But King Kai, I...
KING KAI: PROMISE ME!
GOKU: Aww, all right. I promise I will absolutely not... Click. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
KING KAI: What the...
GOKU: (gasp for breath) Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... (continues telepathically off-screen)
KING KAI: He... He hung up on me! How the hell did he even do that?! Dammit, I'll call him back! (tries to contact Goku but no avail) Goku, I swear to God, I will ride your ass on this one!
GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...
KING KAI: Dammit, Takei!
(cuts to Vegeta emerging from underwater and gasping for breath)
VEGETA: All right. They should be here somewhere. Aha! They're here! They're all here! Perfect. Now I have six, counting the one I have hidden near the village. All I have to do now is stay under the radar and not fly around like a jackass saying...
KRILLIN: (flying while holding a DragonBall) I've got a DragonBall! (flies past Vegeta's location)
VEGETA: I was gonna say "Come and get me, Freeza," but that works too! (starts to purse Krillin)
(cuts to Zarbon desperately looking for Vegeta)
ZARBON: This is useless! I'm never going to find him like this! I might as well hide under a rock. Maybe Lord Freeza won't find me if I just lay low and don't fly around like a jackass saying...
VEGETA: (flying after Krillin) Come to papa, you bald bastard!
ZARBON: I was going to say "Come and get me, Freeza," but that works too! (starts to pursue Vegeta)
(cuts to Bulma reading a magazine and humming the ending theme from DragonBall before Krillin lands in front of her)
BULMA: (stumbles and falls on her back) (quickly speaking) SON OF A BITCH!
KRILLIN: Huh. I thought you'd be back in the cave.
BULMA: Well, I would if I didn't keep finding puddles of--
KRILLIN: Yeah, yeah, I know, in the cave, get over it. Besides, I brought us a DragonBall.
BULMA: Oh, wow. They're much bigger than the ones on Earth.
KRILLIN: Yeah, Gohan and I were pretty surprised too when... we... (notices Gohan is missing) Wait, where is Gohan?
BULMA: Oh, he took the Dragon Radar. We found a DragonBall that was all on its own.
KRILLIN: Wait, what?
(cuts to Gohan flying in the air and holding a DragonBall)
GOHAN: I've got a DragonBall!
KRILLIN: You let Gohan go out on his own?
BULMA: Yeah... What’s the big deal?
KRILLIN: Do you have any idea what Chi-Chi will do to me if he gets hurt? I like my penis where it is, thank you.
BULMA: I still don't see how this is my problem.
KRILLIN: Uh... Oh, we'll just have to wait for him here, then. At least we have a DragonBall!
(Vegeta lands on the scene, finally catching up to Krillin)
VEGETA: Hi there. I'm taking your DragonBall.
KRILLIN: (terrified) Uh... Care to trade for one of yours?
VEGETA: How 'bout NO.
KRILLIN: You drive a hard bargain...
(Zarbon appears on the scene)
ZARBON: Who drives it hard now? Hmm. (flicks his long hair behind him)
VEGETA: Oh, I thought I smelled body glitter...
ZARBON: (to Krillin) You, the short one over there. Give me the DragonBall.
VEGETA: Not so fast, he's handing the ball over to me! (to Krillin) Right, baldy?
KRILLIN: Uh... Bulma? A little help here?
BULMA: (referring to Zarbon) Oh, my God, he's so hot! I just wanna grab him and...
(cuts to Goku doing upside down curl ups in his spaceship)
GOKU: ...sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-...
(cuts to back to Vegeta on Namek)
VEGETA: ...one time you've defeated me, Zarbon. And that's one time too many!
ZARBON: Nothing's changed, Vegeta. The last time we fought you were barely alive when I retrieved your body.
VEGETA: That... reminds me... Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
ZARBON: Did... (narrows his eyes) Did I what?
VEGETA: Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
ZARBON: What?! No! God, no!
VEGETA: Oh, thank God! I j... (eyes widen) Wait, what do you mean by that? Am I not good enough for you?!
ZARBON: All right, Vegeta, I'm going to be totally honest with you. This is sounding really gay.
VEGETA: What, I... What are you...
ZARBON: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
VEGETA: (seen totally defeated and embarrassed) Just... Just transform, damn you.
BULMA: We're going to have a penthouse suite... (Zarbon starts to transform) ...and he'll drive a Corvette, and we'll make love every single--
(Zarbon fully transforms into his monster form)
BULMA: (in complete shock) KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
MONSTROUS ZARBON: You've made a huge mistake, Vegeta! Now prepare to die!
(Zarbon starts charging at Vegeta, the latter responding by punching a hole in the former's stomach)
MONSTROUS ZARBON: (groans in pain)
VEGETA: What was that? I couldn't hear you over that hole I made in your stomach!
MONSTROUS ZARBON: But... Vegeta, please... Just give me a chance... We could work together...
VEGETA: Yeah, yeah, I've heard that bit already. Now let me put this in a way you'll understand: I’m about to blow my load all over your insides.
MONSTROUS ZARBON: What... the...
VEGETA: No homo.
(Vegeta blast a hole through Zarbon's stomach, sending the latter flying and falling into a watery grave)
VEGETA: (narrows his eyes) Freaky Alien Genotype...
(cuts to inside Guru's house)
DENDE: Guru, sir, I have a question.
GURU: Ask away.
DENDE: You've been around for so long. Just how old are you?
GURU: I am this many. (does not move)
DENDE: You didn't raise your hand.
GURU: That's how old I aaaaaaaam!
(shows of shot of Zarbon's monster form)
BULMA: KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!