SEMI-PERFECT CELL: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Goku and Gohan in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, with Gohan trying and failing to become a Super Saiyan)
GOKU: Good try, Gohan, but you can't just power up and become a Super Saiyan. It comes from pure, raw emotion! You know where I was when I became a Super Saiyan?
GOHAN: Yes, you--
GOKU: (starts reminiscing the battle with Freeza on Namek) I was on Namek! I thought I'd finally defeated Freezer with the Spirit Bomb, but as it turns out...he was still alive!
GOHAN: Dad, I was the--
GOKU: He killed Vegeta, and he killed Krillin.
GOHAN: I saw everyth--
GOKU: Piccolo...tripped, or something... It was pretty bad for everyone. Then, he threatened to do the same to my son! (realizes that Gohan was there) Oh, hey, you were there! ...Why didn't you go Super Saiyan? (Gohan lets out a sigh)
(cut to Vegeta inserting his fist inside Cell, who's groaning in pain)
CELL: Stop fisting me!
VEGETA: Okay. (pulls his fist out of Cell's stomach)
CELL: (screams and takes a few steps away from Vegeta) Not all at once! Ah! Just...can I...have a minute?
VEGETA: Sure you can.
CELL: Well, thank you. That's appreci--
(Vegeta uppercuts Cell, sending him flying into the air, and then proceeds to knee him in the back and punches him in the face)
VEGETA: (grabs Cell by the leg) C-C-C-COMBO! (throws Cell down to the ground, severing the cliff Trunks was standing on, who merely sighs and rolls his eyes)
(shift over to Android 18, pondering on what she had just witnessed)
ANDROID 18: Wait, so I beat Vegeta...
ANDROID 16: Data not found.
ANDROID 18: But now Vegeta is wrecking Cell...
ANDROID 16: Data not found.
ANDROID 18: Okay, do you have anything substantial to add to this?
ANDROID 16: (looks over to 18) Do YOU?
ANDROID 18: ...Data not found.
(shift back to the battle, with Cell attempts to hit Vegeta)
VEGETA: (approaching Cell while dodging his attacks) You know, maybe if you'd actually trained instead of gorging yourself on a worthless species, your punches might actually hit a little closer to home.
(Vegeta hits Cell, sending him flying down to the ground)
CELL: (speaking out of his groin in his Imperfect voice) *laughs* Ah, this is an unfortunate turn of events.
VEGETA: (legitimately disturbed) Did you just...talk out your ass?
CELL: Well, to be fair, Vegeta, you are part of my DNA.
VEGETA: Ooh, that is the closest thing you've done to damage since I've gotten here.
CELL: Allow me to fix that. (starts powers up)
(shift over to Krillin floating above the island where the battle is taking place)
KRILLIN: Is that Cell or Vegeta? Doesn't matter. Steerin' clear of that... Except, if I were a bettin' boy, that's...probably where the Androids are. Stealth mode, don't fail me now.
(shift over to Cell, who just finished powering up)
CELL: There we are. Now...do you understand, Vegeta?
VEGETA: What I understand is I'm about to pound you so hard, the boy's mother is going to be jealous.
TRUNKS: OH, CAN WE NOT?!
VEGETA: But, if it makes you feel any better, I'll give you one free shot. But I'm warning you, if you waste it-- (gets punched in the face by Cell, but starts laughing and wipes away the blood from his mouth) You're gonna regret it.
CELL: (now frightened and starts taking a few steps back from Vegeta) HOW? HOW?? HOW DID YOU GET THIS STRONG?!
VEGETA: I trained all day yesterday.
CELL: Oh, you think you're being CUTE?! (slams his tail on the ground)
VEGETA: Bitch, I'm adorable.
CELL: FINE! (leaps back in a cliff) Then how about this?! Galick Gun... (charges up a blast between his hands)
VEGETA: Oh ho ho, and that's just precious!
CELL: FIRE! (fires the Galick Gun Vegeta's way, who doesn't even move and takes the blast full-on, emitting an gigantic explosion that Krillin witnesses from above the island)
(cut to Piccolo and Tien on The Lookout, surveying the battle on the lower realm)
TIEN: So we're actually rooting for Vegeta?
PICCOLO: Let's be honest, we're rooting against Cell.
TIEN: What do we do if he wins?
PICCOLO: Which one?
TIEN: Which one is worse?
BULMA: You know, Vegeta might be...is a total ass, but he's not that bad.
TIEN: Says the woman he left a single mother.
BULMA: Please. I'm rich. It's hardly the same.
PICCOLO: Really, him leaving was probably for the best.
BULMA: Wow. Really?
PICCOLO: What, would you really trust Vegeta with a baby?
BULMA: Well, not MY baby.
TIEN: And there you go.
(cut back on the battlefield with Cell emerging from under a pile of rubble, although Vegeta is nowhere to be seen)
CELL: (thinking in a mockingly tone) Look at me, I'm Vegeta, I'm the prince of all Saiyans, and I both wear and am a unitard!
VEGETA: (appears out the smoke, completely unharmed) You call that a Galick Gun? Dear God, get it together.
CELL: I WILL END YOU! (charges at Vegeta)
VEGETA: You'll die trying.
(Cell tries striking Vegeta with his tail, but Vegeta evades and appears behind Cell and kicks him in the face, sending him flying. Vegeta then quickly moves in the direction Cell is flying and kicks him into the sky and then kicks him down into the ocean.)
KRILLIN: (has now moved closer to the island and surveying the battle from above) (thinking) Yeesh, somehow I actually feel kinda bad for Cell... Oh well, should probably start lookin' for the Androids. (spots Android 16 and 18) And found 'em. Man, I am really good at this! (descends down to ground level) Okay, Krillin... Mission... *gulps* start.
VEGETA: (lands on a rock and looks over the ocean) I know I kicked him into the water somewhere... Damn it, he's pulling a bald one on me and hiding his energy! *sighs* If I were a disgusting bugman, where would I--
CELL: (emerges from the ocean) SURPRISE!!! (attacks Vegeta with his tail and grabs him by the leg) Lookie what I caught! A walking, talking Napoleon complex! (attempts to stick his tail into Vegeta, but Vegeta evades and traps it under his arm) Argh!
VEGETA: And lookie what I caught!
CELL: Oh, no...! Not again!
VEGETA: So, what do you do with this...thing?
CELL: I drink people!
VEGETA: Were you trying to drink me?
CELL: N-no! (tail starts wagging up and down as if it's nodding "yes") ...yes.
(Vegeta elbows Cell in the chest causing Cell to start to falling over, but Vegeta catches him in the chest with his hand)
VEGETA: You feel that? That's what honesty feels like.
(Vegeta kicks Cell through a rock, who starts tumble across the ground before landing on his face)
CELL: This... This is all wrong! You can't be this strong! Nothing about this makes sense!
VEGETA: Well, if that's racking your brain, try drinking this in. It may pain me to say it, but the boy over there is actually almost as strong as I am. Then again, unlike you, he's half me.
VEGETA: Of course, the other half is his mother. I mean, look at that hair.
VEGETA: You look like a fruit!
VEGETA: And not like a homosexual, I mean like a literal, walking fruit!
CELL: DAMN IT! I WANT TO BE PERFECT! I WANNA! I WANNA! I WANNA! WANNA! (gets kicked in the face by Vegeta and falls flat on his face) (muffled in a whiny voice) I wannaaaaaaaaaa...
VEGETA: Excellent. I've broken both your body and your spirit. Time to die.
CELL: If only you had shown up just a minute later... I would have had 18! Then nobody could have stopped me!
VEGETA: ...Oh, really?
CELL: Vegeta... I would have destroyed you without a second thought.
VEGETA: ...Go on.
(cut to Goku and Gohan inside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber enjoying a relaxing, hot bath)
GOHAN: Ah... You know, Dad, it's almost even kind of nice training with you.
GOKU: Right? I like training, too!
GOKU: But even though we're taking a nice, soothing bath, we can't hold back. We have to stay training at all times. So...splash attack! (splashes Gohan)
GOHAN: All right, then, here I go! (he and Goku begin splashing each other and laughing warm-heartedly)
GOKU: Got you there! (a blue light starts shining from inside the bathhouse) KAMEHAME...
GOKU: Dad, no!
GOKU: No holdin' back! HA! (fires the blast and destroys the bathhouse as Gohan screams)
VEGETA: Hey, puny Earth-whelps! If you liked what you saw, be sure to show it by clicking that Like button down there. And if you want to see more of greatness, be sure to click the Subscribe button to stay updated. And if you want to see what it would be like if I, the prince of all Saiyans, would have waste my precious training time on some video games, then you should click that Renegade for Life button right there. Or if you want to see something else video game-related, be sure to click the Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged button. Heh, look at that Super Saiyan wannabe! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to figure out what that big-lipped bugman was going on about...