KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(scene opens up with Goku and Piccolo flying through the air trying to track down Raditz)
GOKU: Hey Piccolo. Mind if I ask you somethin’?
PICCOLO: What is it?
GOKU: You’re not human either, right?
GOKU: And your dad spit you out as an egg, right?
PICCOLO: What about it?
GOKU: Are... Are you a Yoshi?
(Piccolo gives an annoyed look at Goku)
PICCOLO: (sarcastically) ...Yes, Goku. I’m a green f**king dinosaur!
GOKU: Can... Can I ride you?
(Piccolo lets out an annoyed groan)
(opening sequence; scene shifts to a crying Gohan and Raditz)
RADITZ: Shut up. I said, shut up! SHUT UP! Damn it, why isn’t screaming angrily making you cry less?! I’m going to put you in the time-out pod. (puts Gohan in his Space Pod and closes the door) (thinking) Thank sweet merciful God that’s over. (out loud) Now I can just sit back and—(scouter beeps) ...beat the crap out of whoever’s coming. (sighs) ...Great.
(Raditz looks into the sky and sees Goku and Piccolo come flying down)
GOKU: Raditz! Give me back my son! (jumps off Nimbus) Wheeeeee!
RADITZ: So, you’re here already. And I see you brought the Namekian as well.
GOKU: A-actually, that hasn’t been explained yet.
RADITZ: Oh. Well, it’s not like anyone cares about him anyway.
(Piccolo removes his cape and grabs his turban)
PICCOLO: Well screw you too!
GOKU: Piccolo, you use weighted training clothes as well?
PICCOLO: (sarcastically) No, Goku. I just love to get naked when I’m around you. (drops his turban)
RADITZ: (thinking) Their power level is rising! (out loud) So, nudity makes you stronger on this planet! (unzips his pants)
GOKU: Uh... no. We’re wearing weighted clothing.
RADITZ: (quickly zips up his pants and crosses his arms) Oh... Of course! Because that would be ridiculous! (laughs nervously)
PICCOLO: ...So that hair does compensate for something.
(Phil Sebben's head pops up)
PHIL SHEBBEN: Ha ha! Dangly parts.
RADITZ: SHUT UP! (quickly dashes behind Goku and Piccolo and elbows both of them, knocking them off their feet.)
PICCOLO: Okay, what the hell was that?
GOKU: I don’t know! But let’s try it again... from behind!
(Goku and Piccolo tries to attack Raditz from behind, who counterattacks by kicking at both of them, knocking them away)
PICCOLO: We really shouldn’t be announcing our attack strategy!
GOKU: Rush him! (leaps towards Raditz)
PICCOLO: Damn it, Goku! (also rushes towards Raditz) Will you at least try to dodge this one?!
GOKU: Dodge what? (Raditz fires his Double Sunday attack) OH GEEZ!
(Goku manages to dodges the blast, but Piccolo isn't as lucky as he loses his left arm)
GOKU: Ha! You missed me!
(Raditz appears behind Goku)
RADITZ: My bad. (kicks Goku, knocking him away)
GOKU: (thinks) Note to self: Less talky, more fighty. (slowly gets up and look towards Piccolo) Hey Piccolo. We may be taking a beating, but at least we managed to dodge that one. (Piccolo gets up with blood dripping from his severed arm) High fi-IIIIIEEEEE!! Uh... handsha—... thumbs u—... G-good job!
RADITZ: Ha ha! Aaaahaha! Aaaahaha! Aw, excuse me, has anyone seen my arm? You can’t miss it, it’s green! Ha ha ha!
PICCOLO: Yeah... Anyway, listen. I’ve got one more attack that should do it. Upside is, I can use it with one arm.
GOKU: And what’s the downside?
PICCOLO: You’ll have to distract him while I charge it...
GOKU: That’s not too bad—
PICCOLO: For five minutes. And considering he beat us to a pulp in under one and—ah, never mind, I’m sure you can handle it.
GOKU: Wow. You really have that much faith in me?
PICCOLO: Yeah, sure. Why not?
GOKU: Well then, I won’t disappoint you. (dashes towards Raditz) Here goes nothing! Haaaaagggghhh! Ready or not, here I—(gets attacked by Raditz while the screen shifts to Piccolo) aaaaahhh!
PICCOLO: (in his thoughts; singing the tune of “Mahna Mahna” while Goku is getting beaten senselessly by Ratitz) ♪Mahna Mahna do doo be-do-do. Mahna Mahna do do-do do. Mahna Mahna do doo de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do de-do-do Ima chargin’ my attack.♪
(Scene changes Goku getting the upper hand by grabbing Raditz's tail.)
GOKU: Ha! Got your tail!
RADITZ: Please let me go?
GOKU: Well, since you asked nicely...
(Goku lets go of Raditz's tail; who thanks him by kicks him away)
PICCOLO: (in his thoughts while Goku recieves another senseless beating from Raditz offscreen) Perhaps on second thought, a whole five-minute startup time for an attack is pretty abysmal in terms of usability in battle.
GOKU: (offscreen) Piccolo help! (scene changes to Goku grabbing Radiz’s tail again) Ha! Got your tail...! Again!
RADITZ: Please let go?
GOKU: I’m not falling for that again!
RADITZ: Pretty please let me go?
GOKU: (once again lets go of Raditz's tail) Well.... (Raditz elbows Goku, knocking him away) Oooh! Ow! Spine! (Raditz stomps on Goku's ribs) Ow! Ribs! Definitely ribs!
RADITZ: Aha! Attacking an opponent roughly four times your strength in a one-on-one battle. A cunning strategy! No, no, no, not cunning. What’s the opposite of that?
PICCOLO: (offscreen) Retarded?
RADITZ: That’s it, thank you! Now, disregarding the Namekian, I—
GOKU: Uh-uh! A Yoshi!
PICCOLO: (offscreen) I’m not a god damn Yoshi!
GOKU: But you said you were!
PICCOLO: (offscreen) It’s called sarcasm!
GOKU: What’s that taste like?
PICCOLO: (offscreen) Damn it Goku!
(Raditz crushes Goku's ribs)
RADITZ: STOP IGNORING ME!!!
GOKU: Aaah my ribs! I think you broke my...mmmmmm ribs.
RADITZ: Uggggh. (stomps on Goku's ribs three more times and prepares to kill him) Stop! Ignoring! Me! AND DIE!!! (scouter beeps) Huh?
GOHAN: Stop beating up my daddy! (breaks out of Raditz's Space Pod)
(Gohan rushes towards Raditz)
RADITZ: Nooo, my Space Pod—(Gohan headbutts Raditz) Augh! My space armor!
PICCOLO: (offscreen) We get it, you’re from space!
(Gohan lands next to Goku)
GOKU: G-Gohan. (GOHAN: Huh?) What... was that?
GOHAN: (gets up) Daddy!
GOKU: No-no, seriously. What the hell was that? We were getting slaughtered out there, and you could do that—(Gohan looks behind and notices Raditz) Oh, crap.
RADITZ: (approaches a frightened Gohan) Uncle Raditz is pissed!! (smacks Gohan, which the screen pauses upon impact)
KAISERNEKO: We here at Team Four Star do not condone child violence. We do, however, find it hilarious.
(Screen unpauses as Gohan is sent flying by Raditz's attack)
GOKU: Wait, hold on!
RADITZ: Oh, what? Mister Shattered Ribs is going to stop me? (begins walking towards Gohan)
GOKU: Listen, you don’t understand! Nothing you could do could ever compare to what Chi-Chi would do to me if she found out he died!
(Raditz begins charging up a Ki blast at Gohan)
RADITZ: Well, sucks to be you!
GOKU: (thinking) I don’t have any choice. I have to use my last technique!
RADITZ: NOW DIE!!! (prepares to kill Gohan)
(Goku grabs Raditz from behind)
GOKU: Full Nelson!
RADITZ: A Full Nelson? That won’t work on me! I’m Raditz! (tries to break free but can't) Hurghhurgh! ...Okay, let go! (continues trying to break free, but no avail) Hurrrggrrrg! Seriously, this is starting to piss me off!
GOKU: Good! Just make sure you give me a signal before you fire that thing! I’m right behind him!
PICCOLO: Oh sure; I’ll give you a signal. It’ll be the last signal you’ll ever get!
(scene shifts to Goku as Piccolo laughs evilly offscreen)
GOKU: Well, okay. As long as we’re clear on that.
PICCOLO: MAKANSA—... MAKAKASAPOP—... MEKKASAPPA—... (groans) Oh, to hell with it. SPECIAL BEAM CANNON! (fires the Special Beam Cannon at Goku and Raditz)
GOKU: Is that what you’re going to yell out when you— (Special Beam Cannon pierces through both Goku and Raditz) OH GOD!!!
MOUNTAIN CLIMBER: Riiiiiicolaaaa— (blast hits mountain) AAAAAUUUUGH!!!
(both Goku and Raditz hit the ground, fatally wounded)
RADITZ: Damn it! And there was no way I could have gotten out of there!
PICCOLO: You know, you could’ve flown.
RADITZ: Damn you, hindsiiiiight! Bleh. (dies)
(Piccolo looks up in the sky and notices a ship heading towards the battlefield.)
KRILLIN: (from ship) Goku! After several hours of debating, we decided you might need us— (notices both Goku's and Raditz's damaged bodies) ah, crap!
(scene shifts to Krillin holding Goku's hand while Piccolo and Master Roshi watch)
KRILLIN: Goku! You can’t die! Here, I brought a Senzu Bean!
GOKU: (dying) I don’t think that’s gonna work.
KRILLIN: Why not?
GOKU: (dying) I sort of have a hole in my esophagus.
KRILLIN: Wait, then how are you breathing? (Goku slowly closes his eyes and dies) ...Goku? ...Goku? Holy crap... I’m not the first person to die in this series!
MASTER ROSHI: Krillin!
MASTER ROSHI: Too soon!
BULMA: I can’t believe he’s gone.
PICCOLO: Yeah, pity that. RRRRRRAAAAHHH!!! (regenerates his left arm)
KRILLIN: (runs up to Piccolo) Wait, what the hell? You can regenerate?
PICCOLO: Yeah. And you know what else?
PICCOLO: (quickly) I’m taking Gohan. Bye! (flies off with Gohan)
KRILLIN: Quick! Somebody stop him! (crickets chirp in silence) Damn it Roshi!
MASTER ROSHI: Shut up, Krillin!
(Krillin Owned Count: 2)
GOKU: Gohan, do a Headbutt!
(in the style of Pokémon)
"Gohan used Headbutt!"
(Gohan headbutts Raditz)
"It was super-effective!"