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Catch Me If You Can-droid/Transcript

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[DISCLAIMER]

YAJIROBE: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.

(cut to Vegeta catching a Senzu Bean and starts eating it)

VEGETA: When a goddamn Super Saiyan asks you for a senzu bean, bald man, you say "how many"? (gulps down the Senzu Bean and transforms back up into a Super Saiyan) Ah, that's better. Count yourselves lucky to be in the presence of a shining, golden god such as myself! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go kill the other android! You peons may stay here and erect a statue in my honor. (flies off)

KRILLIN: So... Vegeta's a Super Saiyan.

TIEN: Yeah, whatever. Did you catch the name of his attack, though?

PICCOLO: I know, right? "Big Bang Attack"?

NAIL: (Uh, I don't know. This coming from Mr. "Special Beam Cannon"?)

PICCOLO: (thinking) Hey, why don't you try coming up with a better name for an attack?

NAIL: (How about... "Devil Drill Beam"?)

PICCOLO: (thinking) What about "Spiral Death Beam"?

NAIL: ("Doom Laser"!)

PICCOLO: (thinking) "Rail Beam"!

NAIL: ("Nail Gun"?)

PICCOLO: Shit, that's good.

[OPENING SEQUENCE]

(cut to Vegeta flying after Android 20)

VEGETA: (thinking) So, just because he's a machine I can't feel his energy? That doesn't make any sense! Energy sensing's bullshit. (lands on a rock, out loud) Hey, why you hidin'? You scared 'cause I blew up your friend? I'd call it your sex-bot, but as you're currently demonstrating, you don't have any balls!

(cut to Android 20 hiding nearby behind a rock)

ANDROID 20: Yes, he's desperate to find me. I'll just have to wait him out...

VEGETA: Aw, man... sure do feel winded after blowing up your robo-sexual life partner! Sure would suck if you jumped me and took my energy! Oh, no! Some dust in my eyes! This is the worst! (nothing happens) GET THE F**CK OUT HERE! (prepares an energy blast)

KRILLIN: Hey, Vegeta! We finally caught up an-- (sees Vegeta charging the blast) Oh, God, no!

(Vegeta fires the blast at the cliffs, causing Android 20 to jumps out of his hiding place and absorb the blast)

ANDROID 20: And now your energy is mine!

VEGETA: But that's exactly what I was planning on. I knew you couldn't resist jumping out to suckle on my Super Saiyan teat! And now you're mine! All mine, you old le-- (Android 20 retreats by bouncing off some cliffs, making a spring noise from Sonic the Hedgehog) Hey! Get back here, I wasn't done! (bounces off after Android 20, making the same spring noise, and lands on another rock) This tactical shit's getting really old! Now you get out here and fight me blindly like a man! Or a man-droid...

(camera pans up to reveal Android 20 standing upside down from a cliff)

ANDROID 20: (thinking) Yes, you may be a Super Saiyan, Vegeta, but you're still just an arrogant little brat, aren't you?

VEGETA: Olly olly oxen bitch!

ANDROID 20: (lands on the ground, thinking) Well, while you continue to prattle on, I shall make my escape and-- (sees Gohan on top of a cliff) Oh, they followed me... No matter, I'll just head the other way and-- (sees Tien searchin in that area) Okay, fine. I'll just maneuver back where I came fro-- (sees Krillin in another area) WHY THE HELL IS HE EVEN HERE!? Then again... (notices Piccolo in the sky) at my age, I could use more greens in my diet.

PICCOLO: (thinking) All right, what about "Regicide Blaster"?

NAIL: ("Doomsday Crush"!)

PICCOLO: (thinking) "Anarchy Barrage"!

NAIL: ("Taco Tuesday"!)

PICCOLO: (thinking) "Hellzone Grenade"!

NAIL: (Ehhh...)

PICCOLO: Screw you, I'm keeping that one.

(Android 20 catches Piccolo off-guard and grabs him from behind)

ANDROID 20: Hello there!

NAIL: (I'm... gonna leave you two alone for now.)

PICCOLO: (muffled) NAIL!

ANDROID 20: Shhhhhh... Oh, don't struggle. Just lie back and think of... Namek.

PICCOLO: (thinking) Damn it! I have to contact Gohan...! Gohan, do you hear me?! (tries to reach out to Gohan telepathically and instead gets Vegeta)

VEGETA: (thinking) Oh, God, this feels amazing. First thing I'm gonna do when I get home is step in front of a full-length mirror, strip down, turn Super Saiyan, and...

PICCOLO: (thinking) Ugh! Gohan, Gohan, Gohan! (tries again, but gets Tien)

TIEN: (thinking) Cat loves food, y-yeah, yeah, yeah. Cat loves...

PICCOLO: (telepathically) Uh...

TIEN: (out loud) You heard... nothing.

PICCOLO: (thinking) Damn it! Gohan, this old man's got me from behind, you have to--

GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...

KING KAI: (telepathically) Seriously, how do people keep getting on this line?

PICCOLO: (muffled) GOHAN!

(Piccolo is seen losing his strength while Android 20 laughs evilly when Gohan suddenly attacks the android from behind, making him release Piccolo, and gets sent flying into the ground)

ANDROID 20: (his hat is seen falling into a crevice) No! My head cylinder!

PICCOLO: (catching his breath) Gohan... How did you...?

GOHAN: You two were hanging in the middle of the air. How could I not see you?

PICCOLO: Don't you... sass me...

ANDROID 20: Huh?

VEGETA: Well, look who finally installed a pair!

(Vegeta, Krillin, and Tien arrive at the area and surround the android)

ANDROID 20: Well, uh, this is a little awkward. Maybe we could have a little dialogue and work this out--

VEGETA: No.

ANDROID 20: Okay. Then how about I fight the bald one first? (looks at Tien)

TIEN: Anytime, old man.

ANDROID 20: No! That one! (looks at Krillin)

KRILLIN: Yeah, I'ma opt out.

PICCOLO: How about this one?

ANDROID 20: Oh, please... As if you're in any condition to fight me...!

PICCOLO: Krillin, Senzu Bean.

KRILLIN: Senzu Bean?

PICCOLO: Senzu Bean.

KRILLIN: Senzu Bean! (throws Piccolo a Senzu Bean)

(Piccolo catches the Senzu Bean and eats it down before descending and removing his weighted clothing)

PICCOLO: Call me the can opener, 'cause I'm about to bust open your metal ass.

VEGETA: Yeah... how 'bout you just leave the one-liners to me? Besides, the old man is mine, Namekian.

PICCOLO: I just figured you wouldn't want to sully your Super Saiyan hands on such a weak opponent.

VEGETA: You know, the funny thing is, I know you're playin' me, but you're right. He's all yours.

ANDROID 20: Ah, yes, pit me against your little green man. I've already consumed enough energy from him to munch him twice-- (Piccolo rushes forward and knees him in the face) Ahhh! (gets knocked past Vegeta into a pleateau)

VEGETA: Hah!

(cut to Trunks, who's come back from the future again, arriving at the previous battlefield)

TRUNKS: (looks at Android 19's head) Oh, my God, Chiaotzu's dead! And he really let himself go... And he's an android... That's not Chiaotzu. (realizing what it must mean) *gasps* Oh, crapbaskets.

(cut to Bulma and Yajirobe holding baby Trunks in a plane, flying towards the ongoing battle between Android 20 and the others)

YAJIROBE: There's a long list of bad ideas, and this one is at the top. You know that, right?

BULMA: I absolutely refuse to sit around and not be part of the action anymore. Do you know I never even saw Freeza? Not once?

YAJIROBE: I'm pretty sure no one ever complained about not meeting Hitler. I mean, some people do, but they're weird.

BULMA: This isn't up for debate!

YAJIROBE: You do know your kid is in the plane, right?

BULMA: Oh, he doesn't know what's going on.

YAJIROBE: Yeah, I don't think that's the point! Also, he keeps trying to feed off me.

BULMA: Don't worry, he'll give it up when he realizes it's a dry well.

YAJIROBE: Yeah, about that... Have you ever seen what an all-Senzu Bean diet does to a man?

BULMA: What?

YAJIROBE: Korin likes it.

(cut back to the battlefield where Android 20 charges at Piccolo only to get knocked into another pleateau)

ANDROID 20: (emerges from the rubble) Okay, first: what?! Second: the f**k?!

PICCOLO: You know, I did spend three years training with Goku.

ANDROID 20: Oh, so what? Are you a Super Saiyan now, too?

PICCOLO: Well... more of a Super Namekian, I guess.

ANDROID 20: Wait, I thought you were a demon.

PICCOLO: Nope. Slug man.

ANDROID 20: Wow. That's... significantly more mundane.

PICCOLO: Ugh, I know! By the way, what's that brain case made out of?

ANDROID 20: Oh, well, it's a poly-carbonate, thermo-plastic, laminated-- (Piccolo rushes forward and elbows him into the mountains below) AGHHH!

VEGETA: Anyone else feel like we over-trained for this?

KRILLIN: Tell me about it.

VEGETA: No, shut up!

(Android 20 zooms up through the dust and charges at Piccolo with an outstretched hand in an attempt to absorb his energy again, which gets obscured by more dust)

GOHAN: MR. PICCOLOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooh, never mind. (Piccolo is seen grabbing Android 20's attacking hand in a firm grip)

PICCOLO: You know, I never understood why you would even bother installing pain receptors. Kind of comes off as an intentional design flaw, if you ask me.

ANDROID 20: Don't you criticize my methods like you understand the neurosystem! Pain is imperative to recognize when you are in peril, to get the human mind con- (Piccolo severs his forearm) -TEEEEEEEXT!

PICCOLO: So contextually speaking... (crushes and drops the android's arm) how f**ked are you?

ANDROID 20: You lime-colored son of a bitch! It's going to take me at least two hours to program a new hand! No, wait, I'm right handed... Three hours! You miserable reprobates! What have I ever done to you?

PICCOLO: Pretty sure you vaporized half a city.

ANDROID 20: I meant recently!

PICCOLO: That was an hour ago.

ANDROID 20: Semantics!

(Trunks arrives on the scene)

TRUNKS: I'm sorry I'm late! The time machine's a little imprecise in terms of hours and-- (looks at Android 20) What the hell is that thing?!

PICCOLO: Trunks, what are you doing here?

VEGETA: Ha! That's a girl's name.

KRILLIN: Wait, isn't that the name of your kid?

VEGETA: What, are you trying to imply that this wannabe Super Saiyan from the future is my soooooooooo...

TRUNKS: Well, guess that cat's out of the bag... But seriously, what it that?

PICCOLO: That's the android.

TRUNKS: No, it's not.

PICCOLO: Yes, it is.

TRUNKS: No, it's not!

ANDROID 20: Yes, I am!

TRUNKS: You stay out of this!

TIEN: Wait, so you're saying that that's not the android that kills us?

TRUNKS: No, I don't even--

KRILLIN: But you said two androids, right?

TIEN: And we've been fighting two.

TRUNKS: Yes, I said two, but that's not one of them!

VEGETA: Why didn't you tell us what they looked like, then?

TRUNKS: I only ever met the two!

VEGETA: Well, look at that, so did we!

(Bulma arrives at the scene in her plane)

BULMA: Hey, guys!

VEGETA: And now the woman's here!

GOHAN: Bulma, NO!

TRUNKS: Did she bring me?!

ANDROID 20: (thinking) And there's my door... (launches a huge blast that engulfs most of the area, including damaging Bulma's plane, which causes everyone to scream)

[ENDING SEQUENCE]

[STINGER]

PICCOLO: "Wind Scar"!

NAIL: ("Spirit Gun"!)

PICCOLO: "Bankai"!

NAIL: ("Rasengan"!)

PICCOLO: "Gum Gum Pistol"!

NAIL: (...That sounds dirty.)

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