JIMMY FIRECRACKER: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, DragonBall GT, and DragonBall Super are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Shueisha, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to crowd, and everybody is shocked to see Mr. Satan hurt)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (offscreen) Ladies and gentlemen at home... (starts sobbing) Mr. Satan, our champion... (onscreen at the arena, shocked) IS DEAD!
(cut back to crowd, a riot starts, people are breaking glass, robbing banks and stores, crashing into buildings and involved in shootouts with police, some are scared)
POLICE OFFICER: (over loudspeaker) Please go back to your home, and stay there peacefully!
(cut back to Cell Games arena, Jimmy is shocked)
VEGETA: (offscreen) AAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
MR. SATAN: (is shown on the ground, covering his face in pain) What happened? Did I kill him...? Did my punch destroy the ring? Is this my blood?
GOKU: Oh good, he's alive.
VEGETA: One thing... I wanted one thing today!
PICCOLO: What about killing Cell?
VEGETA: Would you believe me if I said this was more important?
TIEN: I'd be shocked otherwise.
(Mr. Satan walks over to Jimmy while holding his head)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan! D-did you die? If so, you have officially beaten Jesus' respawn time! Can you tell us what happened out there?
MR. SATAN: Magnets...
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: How does that work?
MR. SATAN: (drowsily) There were magnets under the ring; the tiles, and uhh... When I went for my punch, I must've--they must've turned it on, and I went flyin' cuz of all the iron in muh blood cuz I eat my spinach.
(cut back to crowd, Mr. Satan hopes they believe him)
RANDOM DUDE: That makes sense!
(cut to the arena)
PERFECT CELL: Alright, now that the back of my hand is all warmed up, who's first?
GOKU: Guys, don't freak out. Mr. Satan may have lost, but you got another world champion, right here!
TIEN: Technically, we have two.
GOKU: Yeah, but I beat you, so does it still count?
TIEN: Of course it does!
VEGETA: (mockingly) Does it though, Triclops!?
TIEN: (mockingly) And how many tournaments have you won?
VEGETA: I dunno. How many planets have you blown up!?
TIEN: None. How many Goku's have you beaten?
GOKU: Can I fight now?
TIEN & VEGETA: Yes!
PERFECT CELL: Getting right down to it, are we? A bit out-of-character. Shan't you send in your entourage, one after the other, so as I may leave you for our Grand Finale?
GOKU: Well, I mean, I already waited a week, so I guess I could wait a couple more minutes--
PERFECT CELL: No, no no! This is good! Called my bluff. No, I'm more than happy to skip the hors-d'oeuvres, and dive straight into the main course!
GOKU: Now you're speaking my language.
(shift to Master Roshi watching the battle on television in his house)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Ladies and gentlemen! This orange hillbilly has entered the ring! Set to take on Cell!
MR. SATAN: I would advise all parents to remove their children from the room immediately! And to tune back in when I, Mr. Satan, get back in that ring, and show that trickster what-for! Right after I shake off this concussion. And also stretch. Stretching is important, kids.
(Goku powers up, causing Mr Satan to shriek)
PERFECT CELL: HOLY crap! Prince, do you feel that!?
VEGETA: F**k off!
PERFECT CELL: And he didn't even have to pump up, like some roiding, angsty child! (Trunks groans) Well, Goku, now that you've shown me yours...let me show you mine.
GOKU: Yeah, whip out your power, Cell! Let me feel it.
PERFECT CELL: Oohoooh, now you're speaking MY language! (powers up)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan, they are engulfed in flames!
MR. SATAN: Fire-retardant clothes, obviously! And their bodies are covered in a thin, protective gel! Just like our stuntman, Morgan, from Skygina II. God rest his soul!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: What happened to him?
MR. SATAN: AIDs.
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Always wear a rubber, kids!
MR. SATAN: And don't share needles.
(Goku and Perfect Cell and now standing face-to-face to each other)
PERFECT CELL: So, you gonna take a swing? Or you just gonna stand there, staring into my eyes?
GOKU: Hrm? What was that? I was busy staring into your eyes...
PERFECT CELL: Oh, you beautiful Saiyan bastard, just punch me already!
(Goku and Perfect Cell engage each other in combat, with both of them dealing heavy blows as is shifts over to Trunks and Krillin)
KRILLIN: By the way, Trunks, wasn't your hair, like, shorter yesterday?
TRUNKS: Yeah. I decided I liked it longer.
(Perfect Cell catches Goku's punch and throws him away. Goku recovers and charges at Perfect Cell.)
PERFECT CELL: (as he blocks all of Goku's attacks) ♪Chickity China the Chinese Chicken♪ (kicks Goku away, but Goku once again gets back on his feet and uses the afterimage technique) Wait, so the afterimage can't move-- H-how do you even-- (Goku appears and punches and kicks him, which sends him flying out of the ring)
YAMCHA: Guys, he ringed Cell out! (Perfect Cell stops himself in midair before he can touch the ground) Oh.
KRILLIN: ...You just forgot we can fly, didn't you?
YAMCHA: No, but... I just have hope, okay? Is that so wrong?
TIEN: The fact that you have any hope left in your life is your most admirable quality.
YAMCHA: Huh... Thanks, man.
PERFECT CELL: Yamcha, for the love of God, don't thank him! (hovers back onto the ring) And as for you. Clever little move there. But would you have truly have been satisfied with a ring-out?
GOKU: Well yeah; it's how I beat Piccolo. And Tenshinhan. And my wife!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: My God... This orange hillbilly beats his wife!
GOKU: It really wasn't much of a fight... One hit, and she just went down. Then we got married, I put a baby in her, and now she just stays at home, cooks my dinner, and raises our kid!
(cut to Chi-Chi and the Ox-King who both have dumbstruck looks while watching the fight at Goku's house)
CHI-CHI: Y'know... When he puts it that way..
(cut over to the crowd with Goku's face being shown on the jumbotron)
CROWD: (alongside some booing and jeering directed at Goku) BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!
GOHAN: Suddenly really happy I don't go to public school.
PERFECT CELL: Fair enough, Goku--this is a test of skill as well as power. But if you're looking for a ring-out...you'll have to try a little bit harder than that.
GOKU: Oh, don't worry, Cell. I'll show you just how HARD I can get...!
PERFECT CELL: Well, if we're going to get freaky, then perhaps we can make this... A menage a moi?
GOKU: G-Gohan, wha-what was that?
GOHAN: It's French, dad. (Perfect Cell uses the Multi-Form technique to create four copies of himself) Specifically, "My household." But it's really, awkwardly--
PERFECT CELLS: NNNEEEERD!!!
PERFECT CELL #1: But speaking of academics...
PERFECT CELL #2: ...it's time to take you, Goku...
PERFECT CELL #3: ...to Perfect University.
PERFECT CELL #4: We'd say "Take you to school," but I think we're beyond the basics.
GOKU: Doesn't that make it...P.U?
PERFECT CELLS: And we love that you got that.
(All four Perfect Cells charge at Goku, making him go on the defensive and block all their attacks. Goku manages to kick one of the Perfect Cells away, but two more appear and one of them elbows Goku, who retaliates by a headbutt. All four Perfect Cells once again corners Goku and attacks simultaneously.)
TIEN: This has got to be for shits and/or giggles. The Multi-Form technique basically halves your power level with each copy.
PICCOLO: Yeah. But at least we can follow the action a little better now.
GOHAN: Wait, were you having trouble?
GOHAN: Well then, you're gonna have a lot more when they start to getting serious.
KRILLIN: Wow. Saiyans; am I right?
KRILLIN: ...Aw shit, was that racist?
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan, can you explain this malicious mutant's multiplication!?
MR. SATAN: Well, Jimmy... Y'ever heard of mirrors?
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: I believe I have.
MR. SATAN: Well there you go.
(cut over to the crowd)
RANDOM DUDE: That also makes sense!
(Cut back to the ring with Goku and all four Perfect Cell landing on the ring. The four Perfect Cells land in each corner of the ring)
PERFECT CELLS: Pop quiz, Goku! Which attack is this? (puts both fingers on his forehead, with the other three Perfect Cells doing the same)
GOKU: Ooh! That's the...the-the beam thing! Uh, jeez...ugh..ah, this is killing me. I-I mean it KILLED me. Piccolo, what's this thing called?
PICCOLO: Oh, come on, Goku! It's the Makakas-- MA-KAN-A-KA... MADAK--
NAIL & KAMI: (Makankosappo!)
PICCOLO: THAT ONE!
PERFECT CELL #1: MA...
PERFECT CELL #2: ...KANKO...
PERFECT CELL #3: ...SA...
PERFECT CELL #4: ...CANNON!
(the four Perfect Cells fire the Makankosappo at Goku, creating a large explosion and Goku is seen flying out of the explosion and into the the air, followed by all four Perfect Cells)
GOKU: Alright. Time to do some math! Hahaah! (lands a hit on all four Perfect Cells, causing them all to fall back down to the ring and causes three of the disappear, leaving one Perfect Cell) Looks like four divided by one is just one!
GOHAN: No, Dad, that's still four!
GOHAN: I know, banging my head on a brick wall...
PERFECT CELL: Y'know, I was hoping you'd play along? Maybe make four Gokus... But, if you're just gonna sink the showboat, I'm not going to bother.
GOKU: Sorry, Cell. I'm here to win! And you're never gonna beat me with your stolen techniques!
PERFECT CELL: And what, are you gonna beat me with your stolen techniques?
GOKU: What!? I don't steal techniques!
PICCOLO: Actually, Goku...yeah, you do.
GOKU: Whhaaaaaa? What about the Kamehameha?
KRILLIN: Naw, that was Master Roshi.
GOKU: The Solar Flare?
TIEN: That's mine, thanks.
GOKU: The Spirit Bo--?
KING KAI: (over on his planet) Goku, I'm watching the tournament, don't think you can pull that shit!
GOKU: Oh hey, King Kai! Quick question: Did I learn the Kaioken on my own?
KING KAI: My f**cking name is in it...
PERFECT CELL: Kaaaaameeeee...
GOKU: *gasps* That's Yamcha's move! King Kai, I gotta go.
PERFECT CELL: HAAAAMEEEEE.....
GOKU: Hey, Cell? Uh, Pretty sure if you shoot this close to the ground, it'll blow up the--
PERFECT CELL: HYEAAAAAAA!
GOKU: (thinking) I should skidaddle. (flies up into the sky with Cell's Perfect Kamehameha wave in hot pursuit)
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: M-Mr. Satan! What do you--
MR. SATAN: LASERS, JIMMY! LASERS AND INDUSTRIAL FANS!
JIMMY FIRECRACKER: SUCH INSIGHT...!
(Goku nearly gets engulfed by Perfect Cell's Kamehameha wave but manages to pop out in time as the blast goes into orbit)
PERFECT CELL: Wow... It's over. After everything...I killed him with his own technique. Hmph. Ain't that a kick in the he-- (gets kicked in the back by Goku) OOOAAAAGH!
(Perfect Cell's Kamehameha wave is seen travelling into outer space)
KRILLIN: Hey, what do you think happens to those beams when they fire off into space like that?
GOHAN: Well, if it can sustain its form, it's all about whether or not it comes into contact with anything...
(cut to planet Arlia (that bug planet Vegeta destroyed back in episode 5) 1000 years later)
KING MOAI: Good day to you, my faithful subjects! It has taken over a thousand years, but we have finally repopulated our new Arlia! To celebrate this momentous occasion, I shall now make love to my hot...bug...wife. Who is also my SISTER! InnnnSECSUAL!
(a snapping sound is heard as King Moai proceeds to moan as he bangs his sister...until Perfect Cell's Kamehameha wave collides with the planet, causing it to detonate)
KAISERNEKO: Hi there! It's your editor and director, KaiserNeko of Team Four Star! Thanks for enjoying episode 58, and if you like, please go to SharkRobot and check out our new T-Shirt: Perfect University. Link in the description! Also, if you wanna see more TFS goodness, go check out TFS Gaming. As well as our latest side-project, the Cell VS. series. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you next episode!