MASTER ROSHI: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. Heh! Release.
(cut to Imperfect Cell running through a forest until he reaches a highway)
IMPERFECT CELL: (reading a road sign) All right. So South City is to the North, North City is to the West, and East City is...also to the North. ...Where the f**k am I?
(a bus appears on the road and crashes as the driver swerves to avoid Imperfect Cell)
COACH ROGER: Sir, I need to ask you to move off the road. We have a very important game today against the West City Southerners and we're already running late.
IMPERFECT CELL: (in his thoughts while reading a billboard) Aww, East City has a Panda Sanctuary, that's cute.
COACH ROGER: I am now going to start applying the horn. (honks the horn) I am now going to use it again. (honks the horn twice) I will now continue to use the horn until you politely move. (honks the horn six times, causing Imperfect Cell to turn his head and stare at the coach)
(after a brief pause, the coach honks the horn again)
IMPERFECT CELL: Beep. (the coach honks the horn again) Beep! (the coach starts honking the horn repeatedly) Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! BEEEEEEEP! (turns his head away after another pause, thinking) Now, I just need to find my brother and sister before--
BUCKO: Hey, you giant green pylon, you ain't no car, so get off the road! Else me and the boys are gonna have to make your face look like your ass, and your ass look like your face!
IMPERFECT CELL: Mmm... (inhales) Hey, you. I wanna make a joke about your team. What's its name?
BUCKO: The East City Westmen!
EAST CITY WESTMEN: Hoo-Hah!
IMPERFECT CELL: (thinking) ...Oh, I am too hungry for this shit. (starts to absorb Bucko and does the same with the rest of the football team off-screen as the coach tries to make a getaway) BEEP! BEEP! (reaches through the glass and takes the coach)
(cut to Piccolo, Trunks, and Krillin in the ruins of Ginger Town)
PICCOLO: Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!
KRILLIN: Wow, Piccolo's pulling a your dad.
VEGETA: (just arriving) Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!
KRILLIN: Oh, yeah. See?
TRUNKS: And now we have this...
VEGETA: (lands and walks up to Piccolo) You! Namekian! Too strong! Explain now!
TRUNKS: He fused with Kami so he could become stronger.
VEGETA: The f**k's a Kami?
KRILLIN: Basically God.
VEGETA: But I'm still here!
TRUNKS: Do you really believe your own hype that much?
VEGETA: I AM THE HYPE!
TIEN: Hey, finally found you guys. Just followed Vegeta's screaming. What'd I miss?
KRILLIN: Piccolo fused with Kami.
TIEN: Oh, that finally came full circle.
PICCOLO: More importantly, there's a new threat: another android created by Dr. Gero!
(Krillin, Trunks, and Tien are shocked to hear this)
VEGETA: DO I HEAR FIVE?!
(cut to Kame House)
CHI-CHI: Everyone! You have to come quickly!
GOHAN: Aw, but we were about to drink our lima bean and lentil smoothies.
MASTER ROSHI: Yeah, they taste like vomit, but they keep me regular. I'm like a soft-serve ice cream machine in the mornin'!
CHI-CHI: No time for those! Come upstairs!
(upstairs in another room...)
MASTER ROSHI: (is heard running up the stairs) I'm comin', I'm comin'... (arrives at the door) I came. Heh!
CHI-CHI: Look! Look at Goku!
(Goku smiles in his sleep)
OOLONG: (sarcastically) What a miracle we have witnessed. Allow me to go call the local news.
CHI-CHI: I've had to deal with him screaming bloody murder for the last three hours, I'll take what I can get.
MASTER ROSHI: I wonder what he's dreamin' about...
(in Goku's dream)
PIRATE GOKU: (dressed like Monkey D. Luffy) Yay! I'm Pirate Goku! Are you ready for an adventure, Sword-Guy Piccolo?
SWORD-GUY PICCOLO: (dressed like Roronoa Zoro) Uh, actually, I think you need to wake up. The androids are--
PIRATE GOKU: Wait, look! It's Ninja Goku!
NINJA GOKU: (dressed like Naruto Uzumaki) Hey, Pirate Goku! Let's go on an adventure!
PIRATE GOKU: Yeah!
(cut back to Goku sleeping)
GOKU: (in his sleep) Yeah...
(cut to Piccolo, Trunks, Krillin, Vegeta, and Tien)
PICCOLO: So yeah, that's basically it in a nutshell.
KRILLIN: You mean a nut-CEL--
PICCOLO, TIEN, TRUNKS, & VEGETA: Shut up!
TIEN: So if Cell manages to find whatever he's missing, he'll become even stronger?
PICCOLO: I guess? He was pretty vague about it. No matter what, though, if he and the androids join forces, none of us will stand a chance.
VEGETA: Says you.
TIEN: And here we go...
VEGETA: I don't care how many people you fuse with, you'll never be as strong as a Super Saiyan.
PICCOLO: Not really much of a milestone anymore.
VEGETA: As for me, I will find a level beyond a Super Saiyan.
TIEN: ...So what? Like a Mega Saiyan? Ultra Saiyan?
VEGETA: ...You're mocking me.
TIEN: Maximum Over-Saiyan?
VEGETA: F**k off, Triclops! (flies off)
KRILLIN: Why do you antagonize him like that? You know he can kill you, right?
TIEN: At this point, it's a game. If he gives in, I win. And he knows that.
TRUNKS: Crazy thought... If that Cell's from another timeline, then there's gotta be one in this timeline, too.
TIEN: Pretty sure that emotional episode you had earlier leveled Gero's lab.
KRILLIN: Well, he was a mad scientist. Shot in the dark: maybe he's got a basement?
TRUNKS: Aw, crapbaskets.
KRILLIN: Oh, you say that, too?
PICCOLO: All right, then. Trunks, you go back to Gero's lab. I'm going after Cell.
KRILLIN: I'm going with Trunks to go after Cell.
TIEN: And I'm going with Piccolo to...go after...Cell?
KRILLIN: ...Break! (he and Trunks depart)
PICCOLO: So, now that I have the chance to say this, um, sorry my dad killed Chiaotzu.
(Tien gives a quite glare at Piccolo)
NAIL: (Annnd you made it awkward.)
(cut to Cell at the outskirts of Nicky Town)
IMPERFECT CELL: Hey, there, cherry. What's your name?
"NICKY TOWN": (Imperfect Cell speaking in a feminine-like voice) My name is Nicky Town. Who are you?
IMPERFECT CELL: Name's Cell. (licks his beak-mouth) And you are lookin' fine.
"NICKY TOWN": Well, thank you, Mr. Cell, but you're just saying that.
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh, I don't say that to every town I come across.
"NICKY TOWN": Mr. Cell, please absorb me!
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh, don't worry, I'll get around to it.
"NICKY TOWN": Why don't you do it now, Mr. Cell?!
IMPERFECT CELL: Ok-ok-okay, I'm in the middle of something right now...
"NICKY TOWN": No, right now, Mr. Cell! Right NOW!
IMPERFECT CELL: (loses his temper) BITCH, I DO WHAT I WANT!
(cut to Trunks and Krillin exploring the ruins of Dr. Gero's lab)
KRILLIN: (starts shivering) Oh, my God, was it always this cold? We were here at noon, it was not this cold!
TRUNKS: Well, if you need to warm up, start looking. (begins to shoot ki blasts at various ruins)
KRILLIN: You know, I sometimes complain about our lifestyle, but honestly, shooting lasers is fun! (starts making laser noises as he fires off blasts) Pe-chew! Pe-chew! Pe-chew!
TRUNKS: Are you...making laser noises?
KRILLIN: All the time in my head. Why, is that weird?
TRUNKS: ......... (begins making laser noises with his blasts as well) Pe-pew!
TRUNKS: (sees a broken ladder leading beneath the rubble) Hey, there it is!
KRILLIN: Well, we can't climb down that, it's broken.
TRUNKS: Just come on. (both of them float down inside)
KRILLIN: Whee! (they land) Whee...
TRUNKS: I need to ask you a favor...
KRILLIN: What's that?
TRUNKS: If we find anymore androids down here... Please don't tell my father.
KRILLIN: I swear on my life. Unless he threatens my life, in which case... (Trunks opens the door to the basement, revealing a super-computer) Wow. Danger, Will Robinson.
TRUNKS: Who's Will Robinson?
KRILLIN: The future is no fun.
TRUNKS: It's really not... Huh? (notices a tank) Hey, so, if I were a gambling man...
KRILLIN: Huh? Oh, my God.... It's adorable! (reveals to be present Cell's fetus inside the tank) Well, time to waste it.
TRUNKS: No, wait!
TRUNKS: (finds some papers on a table) These... These are the schematics for the androids! We could use these to find a way to turn them off!
KRILLIN: (thinking) Don't ask how to turn them on. Don't ask how to turn her on. Don't ask how to turn Android 18 on! (out loud) How do you turn Android 17 on? (thinking) Shit!
TRUNKS: Also, it lists their real names! Lapis and Lazuli... And apparently, Android 16 was modeled after Gero's son!
KRILLIN: ...Are you making that up? It sounds like you're making that up.
TRUNKS: No, it's all here! Really!
KRILLIN: Well, okay. Grab those and let's kill Cell!
TRUNKS: Hold on, I-I've been thinking... Technically it's never done anything wrong... So...doesn't it have the right to life?
KRILLIN: This isn't about a right to life! It's about making a choice... A choice we both need to make. A choice between a terrible mistake that can ruin lives and f**k it, I'm dropping the pretenses. We're aborting Cell! (fires a blast at fetus Cell's tank, destroying it as the basement starts caving in) Boo-yah!
TRUNKS: All right, let's get out of here before this place comes down on our heads.
KRILLIN: Sorry, just a little caught up in gloating. (they both flee) I KILLED CELL! (both of them managed to make it outside) Hasta la vista, baby! (fires one last blast at the basement, creating an enormous explosion) Probably should have backed up first... (starts coughing before cutting to him, covered in soot, and Trunks flying away) That was fun. We should hang out more.
(cut to Piccolo and Tien investigating the bus Cell dealt with earlier)
PICCOLO: Nothing but clothes with stab marks; Cell's calling card.
TIEN: Aw, damn it. He killed my star battle back. My entire fantasy team just went straight to hell.
PICCOLO: Are you serious?
TIEN: What? I have hobbies.
PICCOLO: (scoffs) No, you don't.
(cut to Nicky Town)
TJ: (is heard from a radio) Hey there, Nicky Town. This is your local station 98.5, The Nick, where TJ--
WOMBAT: (also heard from a radio) And the Wombat-Wombat-Wombat.
WOMAN: Me so horny.
TJ: What's the weather looking like out there, Wombat?
WOMBAT: Wombat Weather Forecast! We're in the middle of an impossible heat wave, a balmy 104 degrees, so make sure you stay hydrated! Real hydrated!
(Imperfect Cell starts absorbing a man in Nicky Town)
TJ: And in local sports news, many of our listeners are still waiting at the stadium for the East City Westmen, who are becoming increasingly late to the game. Probably hit some traffic on the turnpike...
WOMBAT: Or maybe they're just scared!
(a woman is seen screaming in terror)
TJ: Oh, looks like we got our first call-in of the segment! Hello there, caller. What can TJ...
WOMBAT: And the Wombat!
TJ: ...do for you?
IMPERFECT CELL: (through the speaker of a phone) Hello there, I-- (man screams) Okay, hold on, hold on... (kills the man and relishes it) Ah, there. Okay. Could you play "Video Killed the Radio Star"?
TJ: Wow, uh, we usually only do the top 20...
WOMBAT: But today, we'll make an exception for you, killer!
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh, shucks. Thanks, fellas. (song begins) I'll be right in.
TJ: Wh-what? What'd he say? (a door is heard breaking open) Oh, God...! Oh, God! WHAT IS THAT THING?! NO! NO, GET AWAY! GET AWAY FROM WOMBAT! NO! PUT HIM DOWN! NO! WHY, GOD?! OH GOD, I LOVED YOU, WOMBAT! I LOVED YOU SO MUCH! (screams and dies as it shows the clothes of all of Cell's victims scattered in Nicky Town)
IMPERFECT CELL: Hey, welcome back to 98.5, The Cell. We have another caller making a request...
CALLER: Please don't kill me!!
IMPERFECT CELL: Sorry, that's not in the lineup. (is heard absorbing the guy) Speaking of the lineup, in the next half-hour, we've got "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran, "Killing Me Softly With His Song" by Lauren Hill, followed by "All By Myself". Now, don't touch that dial...