PICCOLO: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Piccolo confronting the mysterious creature responsible for the disappearance of nearly all of the population at Ginger Town)
PICCOLO: What the hell is going on here?
CREATURE: (laughs) Let's answer your question with another question...
PICCOLO: Yeah? And what's tha--
CREATURE: WANNA SEE ME DRINK THIS GUY?! (sticks his tail into the man, who starts screaming)
(cut to the creature absorbing the screaming man)
NAIL: (Ugh, oh God... I-I think I'm gonna puke.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) You can't puke, you're in my--
(the sound of vomiting is heard)
KAMI: (Oh good lord, it's everywhere!)
CREATURE: (finishes absorbing the guy) Ah... So, Piccolo... What brings you to my neighborhood?
PICCOLO: I sensed a disturbance.
CREATURE: Well I am pretty disturbing! Remember that time I drank that guy? That was f**king weird.
PICCOLO: So I take it you're the one who exterminated this entire city, then?
CREATURE: Oh, no, no, that was another guy. His name was "Shit Sherlock", first name "No".
PICCOLO: Why? Just, why?
CREATURE: Well, three reasons: first, I was asleep for like, four years, and I am understandably hungry. Two, there's nothing more satisfying than the rush I get from watching a person disappear. And three, and I need you to pay attention on this one... (lets out a huge blast)
(cut to Kame House)
GOHAN: Huh? Why does it feel like my dad is fighting Mr. Piccolo? And Vegeta is fighting Mr. Piccolo? (sounding confused now) And Mr. Piccolo... is fighting Mr. Piccolo?
KRILLIN: That's weird, it even feels like I'm out there.
GOHAN: It feels like everyone we know is fighting Mr. Piccolo!
KRILLIN: Except for Yamcha.
YAMCHA: Well, duh, that's because I'm right here.
KRILLIN: Yeah. That's gotta be it.
(cut back to Piccolo and the creature)
CREATURE: Ah... And three...that is how I power the beautiful temple that is my body.
PICCOLO: You... You're a monster!
CREATURE: (mocking Piccolo) Oh, I'm a monster! Like I haven't heard that one screamed at me today. Of all peop-- (He spits out something on the ground, which is a pacifier. The creature stands there looking surprised.) ...Oh, that is just embarrassing! It's not even the right hole...
PICCOLO: As much as it disgusts me to admit, you and I at least have one thing in common..
CREATURE: More than you know... But continue.
PICCOLO: We both get a significant power up when we absorb someone.
CREATURE: Ominous! (Piccolo lets out a huge blast)
(cut to Android 17 and 18 standing out in a frosty wilderness)
ANDROID 18: I can't believe you screwed up the van.
ANDROID 17: Honestly, I don't know what you were expecting. I didn't even get my license before Dr. Gero went all Blade Runner on us.
ANDROID 18: Excuses. Hey 16, how's that tranny coming along?
ANDROID 16: I don't believe the car identifies as either male or female.
ANDROID 18: (after a short pause) So, what do you think that explosion was?
ANDROID 17: Eh, who cares? It's probably just Vegeta throwing a hissy fit or some--
ANDROID 16: Wait. Did you mean the transmission? Because it's fixed. (starts up the van)
(Cut back to Piccolo and the creature, with Piccolo having just leveled the surrounding area of Ginger Town. The creature is seen emerging from a small rubble.)
CREATURE: (thinking) Oh, so he fused with Kami? So that's a thing-- (Piccolo spins and kicks the creature)
KAMI: (Did you just spin kick him?)
PICCOLO: (thinking) I know, right? I've always wanted to do that.
NAIL: (Please don't do it again.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) MY body, MY rules! (the creature dodges his spin kick) DAMN IT!
CREATURE: (thinking) Huh, faster than me... That could be a slight pain in the ass... But— (Piccolo kicks the creature from behind) (out loud) OWW! MY "ASS BUTT!!!"
(the creature goes flying but manages to suspend himself in the air right in front of Piccolo)
CREATURE: Wanna see something cool? (flies higher up in the air and raises two fingers up to his forehead)
PICCOLO: (thinking) What is he doing?
KAMI: (That looks like your technique.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Well, it's not.
NAIL: (He's doing the finger thing.) (the creature's fingers are now teeming with power)
PICCOLO: (thinking) So? Goku does that when he telepo--
CREATURE: Makankōsappō! (fires the Special Beam Cannon)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Oh, crap.
KAMI: (So that's how you pronounce it.)
(Piccolo deflects the blast and proceeds to fly up towards the creature. The creature turns to attack Piccolo, but it turns out to be an afterimage and turns around to see Piccolo face-to-face.)
CREATURE: (thinking) He's gonna kick me again, isn't he? (Piccolo kicks the creature, sending him flying down to the ground) (out loud) All right, I'm gonna need you to do me a solid and not kick me anymore.
PICCOLO: Start by telling me how you know my technique, and maybe I'll consider it.
CREATURE: Well, what can I say? Imitation is the greatest form of flattery. Speaking of which... (the creature crouches into the Kamehameha wave stance) Ka...
PICCOLO: (thinking) No! That's impossible! The only one who knows that technique is Goku!
PICCOLO: (thinking) And Gohan..
PICCOLO: (thinking) Annnnd Master Roshi... And Krillin...
PICCOLO: (thinking) And Yamcha. And me, that one time I tried it just to see if I could--
CREATURE: HAAAAAAAAAAA! (fires the blast directly at Piccolo)
(cut to Trunks flying to Ginger Town)
TRUNKS: Damn it! A duplicate time machine, a monster on the loose, and now an entire city gone missing! And I still don't know where the androids are...
KRILLIN: (suddenly flying right beside Trunks) I know, right? A total fuster-cluck.
TRUNKS: Ah! When did you...? I didn't even feel you!
KRILLIN: I affectionately refer to it as Stealth Mode. So, what are we lookin' at?
TRUNKS: I have no idea... It could be a giant cicada monster for all we know. Hopefully Piccolo will be able to hold his own until — Ah! (stops as he sees a huge blast in the distance)
KRILLIN: So was that Piccolo or Piccolo-Piccolo?
(cut back to Piccolo and the creature in Ginger Town. Piccolo is seen appearing in the sky)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Eh... This thing's just full of surprises...
CREATURE: SURPRISE! (grabs Piccolo from behind)
NAIL: (Oh, hey, he's behind you.)
CREATURE: Howdy, neighbor. (sticks his tail in Piccolo's left arm, causing the Super Namekian to scream) Oh, it must be your first time because you are TIGHT! And unfortunately for you...it's also your last. (starts absorbing Piccolo's arm)
NAIL: (Uh, he's drinking your arm!)
PICCOLO: (thinking) I KNOW!!!
KAMI: (Well, then, do something!)
PICCOLO: (thinking) I AM!!! (headbutts the creature in the face and breaks frees of his grasp)
CREATURE: AGH! My beak-mouth! (Piccolo and the creature land on the ground, with Piccolo's left arm now all shriveled up) Oh, God... You're even starting to look like Kami.
CREATURE: You sure you don't want me to do the other arm? Even you out? 'Cause that's just distracting.
PICCOLO: Listen, I've obviously lost this fight. Without my arm, I'm finished.
NAIL: (Wait, can't you regrow your ar—?)
KAMI: (Shut up, Nail. He's doing the thing.)
CREATURE: Ah, submission. A second favorite to futile resistance.
PICCOLO: But before you finish me off... (the creature sniggers) ...how about you tell me everything about you?
CREATURE: Oh, weeellll...
PICCOLO: Unless you don't have anything important to say.
CREATURE: No, no, it's just...you're the first person to ask me who or what. Normally they just ask...why. Well, to start us off, then: I'm sure by now you're more than familiar with my father, Dr. Gero.
PICCOLO: Oh, goddamn it.
CREATURE: Oh, but wait, there's more. I am purely biomechanical, unlike my brother and sister, Cyborgs 17 and 18.
PICCOLO: We call them Androids.
CREATURE: Well, good for you. You're wrong. As I was saying, our father created me with the sole purpose of becoming...perfect. Infused with the genetic makeup of the galaxy's strongest warriors, collected over several decades.
PICCOLO: So that's how you know our techniques!
CREATURE: Oh, but I know much more than that. I know that in this timeline, there lies the secret to my true, perfect form. A secret I had all but conceded lost to me.
PICCOLO: This timeline? So you're from the future. But how?
CREATURE: Oh... (shows a flashback of the creature killing Trunks and stealing his time machine) I found a way. All you need to know is that I am here now, and I will stop at nothing to achieve my perfection.
PICCOLO: Well, then. I guess I know your story...
CREATURE: You're welcome!
PICCOLO: ...but I don't know your name.
CREATURE: Ah, truth is, I don't really have one. But all things considered, I think I'll go with...Cell.
(Seeing as this is his first Imperfect Form, we'll call him Imperfect Cell)
PICCOLO: That's kinda boring...
IMPERFECT CELL: Coming from the guy named after a woodwind instrument. You know what? Doesn't matter anyway. I'ma drink you now.
PICCOLO: Wait! Before that... Do YOU wanna see something cool?
IMPERFECT CELL: Now I know you're playing me...and I do.
(Piccolo rips off his ruined arm and grows a fresh one)
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh, that is HARDCORE!!! Also, not good for me. (Trunks and Krillin land next to Piccolo) Also not good for me! (hops backwards onto a destroyed foundation of a building)
KRILLIN: What the hell is that?!
TRUNKS: (Imperfect Cell breaths raspily) And why is it giving me the most ominous sense of déjà vu?
IMPERFECT CELL: (flies up) Sorry, kids, not telling the story again! (flies in front of the sun) But I will leave you all enlightened! SOLAR FLARE!!! (blinds everyone and leaves while laughing evilly)
KRILLIN: But that's Tien's thing!
PICCOLO: I F**KING KNOW!!!
(cut to Vegeta in midair)
VEGETA: Okay, what the hell am I sensing? Is that the Namekian? Is that me? Is that me stronger than me?! I'LL F**KING KILL ME!!!