KAISERNEKO: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Gohan, Krillin, Bulma and Oolong camping in the woods)
NARRATOR: 'Twas the week before Christmas, and upon the Earth, Krillin and Gohan were searching for a tree of great worth. They longed for a tree both tall and rare, and for some other reason, Oolong was there. And with eyes full of wonder and faces all grins, this, my dear viewers, is where our story begins.
KRILLIN: Alright guys, sleep well. We have an early morning tomorrow to search for our perfect Christmas tree!
BULMA: Hey, did anyone take care of that fire?
KRILLIN: Oolong, you got that?
OOLONG: I’m watching it.
(shows the forest being burned down as the animals flee the area)
KRILLIN: I thought you said you were watching the fire!
OOLONG: I was! It was beautiful.
GOHAN: Poor animals, their Christmas is ruined now...
KRILLIN: Yeah, and now we don’t have our tree.
GOHAN: I wish there was something we could do for them.
KRILLIN: (a ding sound is heard) Wish? I got it! We could use the DragonBalls!
(shows a quick montage of Gohan and Krillin collecting all seven DragonBalls)
KRILLIN: We got the DragonBalls!
GOHAN: Amazing how much easier this became with time.
(Shenron gets summoned)
SHENRON: I am the Eternal Dragon. State your... (sees Krillin, Bulma, and Oolong) No... No way. No, not you again! HAS IT EVEN BEEN A YEAR?!
OOLONG: It's been one year, two months, and fifteen...
SHENRON: SHUT THE HELL UP!
KRILLIN: Almighty Shenron, we called you forth to help us in this dire time! As you can see, this beautiful land full of trees and life has been burned to the ground.
SHENRON: So you want me to restore life to this desolated forest?
KRILLIN: Hell no! I want a Christmas tree!
SHENRON: ...You want...a tree.
KRILLIN: Not just any tree... The PERFECT Christmas tree!
SHENRON: ...Yeah. Yeah, okay. I'll give your tree. I'll give you THE BEST DAMN TREE YOU'VE EVER SEEN! (starts laughing sinisterly as he grants Krillin's wish)
KRILLIN: Thank you!
SHENRON: Oh, don't thank me. 'Tis the season of giving. (vanishes as the DragonBalls scatter away)
(cut to a spaceship approaching Earth)
SLAY: Turles, sir, our navigation system just changed course. We're on route to a new planet, Earth.
TURLES: Does it contain a sufficient amount of joy?
SLAY: According to our sensors, yes.
TURLES: Well then... Merry Christmas.
("Christmas Tree of Might" appears on the screen as "Jingle Bell Rock" plays before switching to "Rock The Dragon")
(cut to Goku's house)
CHI-CHI: You are not allowed to go camping again, young man.
GOKU: (in background) We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas... On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...
GOHAN: But Mom, Oolong's the one who burned down the forest, not me!
CHI-CHI: I don't care whose fault it is, you need to be responsible. Remember, if you don't act like a good little boy, Santa won't bring you any presents this year. Goku, stop that or I will deck you in the halls!
GOHAN: He's just gonna bring me books again...
CHI-CHI: He brings you what you like, and what do you like!?
GOHAN: I like books!
CHI-CHI: See, he brings you what you like.
GOKU: Well, what am I getting for Christmas?
CHI-CHI: The same thing as last year, Goku.
GOKU: Oh, so that thing you do with your mouth--?
CHI-CHI: Not in front of Gohan!
(cut to Yamcha and Puar flying inside a car)
PUAR: Yamcha, why did you spend all your baseball money on this car instead of buying Christmas gifts for your friends?
YAMCHA: Puar, the only gift they need is the gift of Yamcha.
PUAR: ...That's a non-refundable gift, isn't it?
YAMCHA: Just like this car.
(there's an explosion from inside the forests that sends the car flying, causing Yamcha and Puar to scream before the car explodes)
SLAY: It is time. Plant the tree. (short pause) Of might. (another short pause) The Christmas Tree of Might.
(Diaz throws the seed into an abyss)
JINGA & BERU: Oh...
JINGA: Title drop.
SLAY: Now....let the Yuletide celebrations begin.
("Deck the Halls Metal Style!" plays as the Christmas Tree of Might starts growing and destroying the city)
BOY: Mommy? (gets crushes by a car, in which a man is seen getting out and runs off)
(cut to Goku's House)
YAMCHA: So yeah, um, I'm gonna have to crash with you guys for a while.
GOKU: Ha, ha! "Crash" like your car.
YAMCHA: Yes, Goku... Like my car.
MASTER ROSHI: I can't believe the wreckage landed on your house.
YAMCHA: Neither can I. And since I put all my money into the car, I'm pretty much destituted.
GOHAN: You know, studies say that depression hits worst during the holiday season. That's why the suicide rates are so high.
(everyone except Yamcha and Bulma start laughing)
GOKU: Like your car.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Hey, are we laughing at Yamcha, cause I'm always up for that.
GOKU: King Kai, is that you?
KING KAI: (telepathically) I just want to call you up and wish you a Merry Christmas.
GOKU: (telepathically to King Kai on his planet) Aw shucks, King Kai. You too.
KING KAI: Yeah, also thought I'd tell you about the evil space pirates who are killing your planet.
GOKU: Space in the what now?
KING KAI: You see, a group of space pirates have sought out your planet. And with it, are growing an evil, evil tree.
GOKU: How evil?
KING KAI: It's literally sucking the Christmas joy out of the entire planet.
GOKU: *gasp* That's Disney evil!
KING KAI: (telepathically) Well, that’s all from here. I'm gonna go spike the eggnog and watch Gregory get smashed. Merry Christmas!
GOKU: Alright guys, group meeting. So, it turns out someone just planted a gigantic tree...
KRILLIN: Hurray! My tree!
GOKU: ...that is sucking the Christmas joy out of the entire world!
KRILLIN: I mean, oh, no! Who would be so dastardly?
GOKU: So, my plan is we get the DragonBalls and wish it away!
GOKU: I'm kiddin'. We're gonna go blow it up!
(cut to Goku, Krillin, Yamcha, Tenshinhan, and Chiaotzu blasting the tree, which has no effect)
GOKU: Didn't work.
TIEN: Damn. If we don't act soon, Christmas is going to be ruined forever.
KRILLIN: Wait a minute. Tien, Chiaotzu, what are you two doing here? Aren't you Jewish?
TIEN: (now wearing a yarmulke as Jewish music plays) Hey, I'm just trying to be culturally sensitive...you Buddhist ass!
KRILLIN: Well, happy holidays to you too.
GOKU: I think the only course of action left...is to reason with it.
YAMCHA: Uh, Goku?
GOKU: Big tree! If you don’t leave right now, I'm gonna have to beat you up!
YAMCHA: Goku, trees can't tal--
SLAY: (off-screen) Why don't you come up here and try it?
YAMCHA: Know what? F**k it, I don't care anymore.
(everyone flies up on the tree and confronts the villains responsible, who are chuckling evilly)
KRILLIN: Who the hell are these guys?
SLAY: We are from the planet of Misfit Minions.
REESE: Where all banished servants of Santa Claus are sent.
BERU: We were all lost, hope forsaken.
JINGA: But now Turles has given us a new chance at life.
JINGA & BERU: And at revenge!
KRILLIN: But why were you banished in the first place?
SLAY: Some of us did things...terrible things.
REESE: Things that some of us regret, and some of us don't.
SLAY: Take me for example. I was but a humble mall Santa trying to bring children joy.
TIEN: So what happened?
SLAY: Well, a young child asked me for a fire truck.
SLAY: So I dropped one on his house.
JINGA: Then there was my brother and I.
BERU: We were once elves working at Santa's workshop.
JINGA: Until a robot we made to aid production went out on a murderous rampage.
S.N.O.W.: Fa la la la la, la la, la DIE.
KRILLIN: Yikes. (to Reese) Wait a minute, that doesn't cover you. What'd you do?
REESE: Something so evil, I am forever on Santa’s naughty list.
YAMCHA: Geez, compared to these guys, what could you have possibly--
REESE: I raped Rudolph. (sounds of Reese laughing along with a reindeer's pained cries are heard)
TIEN: Dibs on not fighting that guy.
GOKU: We have to save Christmas, guys! Let's go!
(everyone except Goku charges at the Misfit Minions with Jinga and Beru knocking Tien and Chiaotzu out of the air)
JINGA & BERU: The great Jinga Beru Brothers!
TIEN: You mean Jingle Bell, right?
JINGA: No, Jinga...
BERU: ...and Beru!
TIEN: (slightly annoyed) Noooo... Jingle... Bell.
TIEN: (pissed) F**KING WEEABOOS!!! (uses Solar Flare to blind Jinga and Beru)
(cut to Krillin and Slay)
SLAY: You know, you look like one of the kids I let sit on my lap once. 'Course, he was the cancer patient; asked me if I could get rid of his cancer.
KRILLIN: Oh god, this is going exactly where I think this is, isn't it?
SLAY: So I blew him up! No more cancer!
KRILLIN: God, you are one of the worst mall Santas ever! Right behind those ones that molest kids.
SLAY: ...So I'm the worst mall Santa.
KRILLIN: Oh, come on!
(cut to Yamcha using his Spirit Ball technique)
S.N.O.W.: Singing "Yamcha the Scar-Faced Bandit" (said song starts playing)
YAMCHA: Go to hell! (throws Spirit Ball at S.N.O.W., which misses) Oh. Come. On. Come. On. Damn. You. (now having trouble redirecting the Spirit Ball)
S.N.O.W.: Do you require assistance?
YAMCHA: Shut. Up. You. Cowardly. God. (Spirit Ball finally hits) YES!!! Take that, motherfu-- (S.N.O.W. charges at him and rams him to the ground)
♪And if you saw this guy fight♪
♪You would even say he blows♪
(cut to Chiaotzu flying away from Jinga)
JINGA: I'll make you pay, like the rest of them! (fires a blast at Chiaotzu)
CHIAOTZU: Aaaah! I told you, I'm not an elf, I'm just really short!
JINGA: Shut up, Claus lover! (fires a barrage of blast)
CHIAOTZU: I don’t even celebrate Christmas-- Oh, my God! (gets hit)
(shows Gohan charging at Jinga)
JINGA: What the fuuuuuuuuu... (gets headbutted by Gohan)
GOHAN: Did I just smash the Krampus? Oh well, where are the others? If I don't find them soon, it's gonna be too late to go caroling! (bumps into Turles) Hey Dad, what's with the getup? It's not Halloween, it's Christmas!
TURLES: Christmas? I HATE Christmas!
GOHAN: You're not my dad! (Turles grabs him by the scarf)
TURLES: I hate gingerbread houses. I hate presents and toys. I hate reindeer and all of the good girls and boys. I hate the Whos down in Whoville and all of their songs. I hate their whumpets and blumpets and goobag-for-brawns. I hate carols and sleigh rides and falalalalas. But above all things else...I hate Santa Claus!
GOHAN: Don't talk sh*t about Santa! (Turles blocks his punch)
TURLES: You're Saiyan, aren’t you? How lucky you were...to never suffer my injustice! (starts crushing Gohan's fist, causing him to scream) However, after my tree is done with this planet, you'll be left with no ale to speak of! (chuckles until his scouter beeps) What? Who's there? (Piccolo arrives)
PICCOLO: Bitch, you look like Goku.
TURLES: And you look like a Yoshi.
PICCOLO: I get that. Now hand over the kid.
TURLES: Oh, you want this kid?
PICCOLO: I want him.
TURLES: You want this kid?
PICCOLO: I want him.
TURLES: You want this kid?
PICCOLO: I want him!
TURLES: You want, you want?
PICCOLO: I WANT THAT KID!!! (charges at Turles, who tosses Gohan at him)
GOHAN: Hi, Mr. Piccolo!
PICCOLO: Merry Christmas. (gets blasted by Turles)
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo... (gets pinned to the ground by Turles' foot)
TURLES: Yeah, you're gonna stay right there. Now how 'bout I show you a little trick I learned? If I put pressure down on this part of your back... (puts more force on Gohan's back, causing him to sprout his tail) ...your tail grows back!
TURLES: Look! (throws a fake moon in the sky and kicks Gohan before grabbing him by the eyes, forcing him to look at the fake moon) It's the Star of Bethlehem. You know what means?
GOHAN: Jesus is born?
TURLES: Yeah, only instead of Jesus...it's a giant monkey.
GOHAN: I don't see the para-- (transforms into an Oozaru)
GOKU: Gohan! (dodges an attack by Oozaru Gohan) Aw man... If Chi-Chi finds out about this, I might not get mouth present.
TURLES: Now, what will you do? Son against father; father against son! In a battle to the death! (Goku cuts off Oozaru Gohan's tail, returning him back to normal and catches him) ...Well played.