(shows an outside shot of Planet Vegeta with the sound of an infant crying being heard)
NARRATOR: Long ago, on a planet long forgotten by time...a young hero was born. A righteous Saiyan warrior who would bring peace to the galaxy. This...is not his story. This is the story of another Saiyan warrior, who slaughtered millions of innocents and brought terror to those who heard his name. And that name is...
("Bardock: Father of Goku Abridged" appears on the screen)
(Cut to Bardock and his crew in their Ōzaru forms causing a rampage on Planet Kanassa with "Dare" by Stan Bush playing in the background. By morning, all of the Kanassans have been exterminated and shows everyone but Bardock laughing.)
PUMBUKIN: And then I tell the guy, "Don't be angry, I'm just Saiyan!" (everyone but Bardock start laughing) And then I tore out his throat.
TOMA: Hey, Bardock, heard you had another kid. Congrats. Who's the mom?
PUMBUKIN: I bet it's Selypa. I see the way you two look at each other.
BARDOCK: Nah, it'd never work out between us.
TOMA: Why not?
BARDOCK: Are you kidding? She's a raging dyke.
SELYPA: I'm right here, you asshole!
SELYPA: God, this is why I hate men.
BARDOCK: Point proven.
PUMBUKIN: So, uh, why did we attack this rock in the first place?
BARDOCK: I dunno. The mission briefing said this planet was full of psychics.
TOMA: Wait a second. Doesn't that mean they can see the future? Don't you think they should have seen us coming?
BARDOCK: Just because they're psychic doesn't mean they're smart.
TOMA: But, aren't psychics supposed to have unbelievable mental--
(a surviving Kanassan warrior emerges from the rubble)
KANASSAN: I can see the future!
PUMBUKIN: Hey, look! One survived.
KANASSAN: Oh, no! They can see me! I have to stop you from destroying my race...in the future!
BARDOCK: We already did that.
KANASSAN: I knew you'd do that! Now I have to kill you! (rushes at Bardock and hits him in the back of the neck) Now you too can see the future! (gets blasted by Toma) WAHHH! (is now seen on fire) I'm on fire! AHHH! (gets blown up by Bardock)
TOMA: Well, that was...odd.
PUMBUKIN: Hey, Bardock. What do you think he meant about you seeing the future? Bardock? (Bardock collapses on the ground) Bardock? Bardock? Say nothing if you want me to eat the remains of that alien. (is heard making munching noises as the screen goes black)
(cut to Freeza)
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, the reports are saying that Kanassa has been seized.
FREEZA: (sounding like an old hag) Thank you, Zarbon. That's very good to hea-- (starts coughing and then speaks in his normal voice) Ah, sorry about that. I had something in my throat. Continue, Zarbon.
ZARBON: The reports say that it was overtaken by a group of low-level Saiyans led by Bardock.
DODORIA: Yeah, that Bardock's a pretty cool guy.
ZARBON: He conquers planets and doesn't afraid of anything.
FREEZA: Hmm... Doesn't afraid of anything, indeed...
(cut to Bardock inside a healing tank)
BARDOCK: (thinking) What...? What's going on? (sees Planet Vegeta exploding) Is...that my planet? (sees his son as an infant and then as a kid) Wait, who is...? Is that my son? Where is he? Hold on... Is he befriending that alien race? Oh, I get it. He must be earning their trust before he slaughters them all. (screen goes black) Wait...now everything's gone dark. Is...is it over? Am I...? (Mr. Popo's face appears on the screen)
MR. POPO: Hi.
(Bardock lets out a muffled scream as the water in the healing tank drains down)
SCIENTIST: Bardock, are you all right? Your heart rate skyrocketed.
BARDOCK: *gasps* I'm okay! I'm okay. It's just...eyes. Where am I, anyway?
SCIENTIST: Well, you're on Freeza Planet 692.
BARDOCK: Man, you'd think with all his free time he'd come up with better names for his planets.
(cut to Freeza inside his ship)
ZARBON: So Lord Freeza. Now that we have Kanassa under our command, what shall we--
ZARBON: Right, right...
(cut back to Bardock)
BARDOCK: Anyway, where's my team? Are they already on a new mission?
SCIENTIST: Yes, well, it seems that Freeza passed down a new mission just two hours ago. By the way, while your here, would you like to see your son, Kakarrot?
BARDOCK: Kaka-wha? Oh right, his name. Nah. Think I'll pass. Didn't pay attention to Raditz when he was growing up.
SCIENTIST: Oh, yes, and we both know how he turned out...
(Bardock pauses for a brief moment and then cuts to him standing in front of a nursery with Kakarrot crying inside.)
BARDOCK: Hey there, Kakarrot. It's your daddy! (thinking) Let's see what kind of power level we've got here... (scouter starts beeping) All right... Whoa...! 10,000! That's my boy! (sees name plaque) Wait...Broly? (shifts over to Kakarrot's plaque) Ah, here we go. (scans Kakarrot with his scouter) Kakarro-- (starts groaning in dismay) Two? Crap! (out loud) There is no possible way this day could get any more disappointing... (runs off)
(cut to another planet with Toteppo getting killed)
TOMA: Bardock's going to be so disappointed.
DODORIA: I think Bardock is the least of your concerns.
TOMA: Why? I don't understand. We've served Freeza loyally. (Dodoria picks him up)
DODORIA: Seems Freeza wants you dirty Saiyans out of the picture... And I'm just willing enough to oblige him.
TOMA: Don't you get it? Chances are someday he's just going to kill you, too.
DODORIA: Yeah, well, see... I'm more of a "in-the-now" kinda guy. Like, what am I gonna eat now? What am I gonna kill now? And in this regard, you're probably gonna be both.
TOMA: You... You won't get away with this.
DODORIA: Oh, yeah? Well tell me something... What looks like crap, feels like crap, and probably ain't gonna wake up in the morning?
TOMA: Is... Is it me?
DODORIA: And that's the punchline.
(Dodoria throws Toma in the air and punches him in the jaw before cutting to Bardock arriving at the planet)
BARDOCK: (sees multiple corpses of the planet's inhabitants) Whoa, looks like I'm late to the party. Where's the gang-- (sees the corpses of his crew) Oh... Oh. Oh, God! Guys... Tell me you're just resting in the blood of your enemies! Selypa... Totepo... Pumbukin? Toma?
TOMA: (weakly and coughs a few times) P-present...
BARDOCK: Toma! Oh, thank God Toma, you're okay. I'll be honest, you're the only one I really cared about. Everyone else was kinda bland. 'Cept for Selypa, she was the only one here with a decent pair of t--
TOMA: Bardock...listen. Freeza's...turned on us. He's afraid of the Saiyans. He sent someone to...to take us out.
BARDOCK: Oh, God! He sent the Ginyu Force?
BARDOCK: Listen, it won't end like this! We're not too far from a healing planet. We're gonna get you fixed up. We'll get you better, we'll warn everyone else, and then we'll-- (Toma closes his eyes and dies) (thinking) My best friend just died in my arms, didn't he? Yep... Yeeep... (removes Toma's handkerchief and his face) All right, Plan B. Don't worry, my friends. You shall all be avenged! (handkerchief starts turning red with blood) If Freeza's afraid of us, I'm gonna give him something to be afraid of. (starts tying the bloody handkerchief on his forehead) Then I'll know why I'm still alive... And I'm gonna rain hot vengeance down upon every single one of those sons of bi--
(Eachpe fires a bunch of ki blasts at Bardock)
EACHPE: All right guys, let's hit the show-- (scouter beeps as Bardock appears above him) Tell my brother, Appule, I love him! (Bardock hits him hard on the skull) Aaah... (starts falling to the ground)
MANGO: Eachpe, no! (he and his comrades fire a ki blast at Bardock, who vanishes before all three blasts connects) Where the hell is he?
LEMI: Keep sharp! These Saiyans can pull off all kinds of tricks! You have to be very careful--
MANGO: Got him! (fires a ki blast through the smoke, accidentally shooting down his teammate) Pierre, no! You dirty monkey!
LEMI: You're the one who killed him, you ass!
MANGO: Oh, gee Lemi, I never thought of it like tha-- Shut the f**k up! (both of them starts charging at Bardock)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Man, I can't believe they lost to these guys! What a bunch of-- (starts having another vision) Oh, sweet crap, not again!
KAKARROT (GOKU): (through vision) Kaio-ken!
BARDOCK: Kaio-wha-- (gets kneed in the face) Ugh!
(Lemi grabs Bardock from behind as Mango proceeds to punch him in the stomach. Bardock starts having another vision.)
BARDOCK: (through vision) For years, you've kept us under your foot...
BARDOCK: (thinking as he's getting pummeled in reality) What? Is that me? That's it!
MANGO: NOW, DIE!
(Bardock manages to flip over, causing Lemi to get in the way of the attack)
LEMI: What the f-- (gets punched in the back by Mango, coughing up blood) Guah! (Badrock breaks free and fires a ki blast) Goddamn it, Mango, you team-killing f**ktard! (both he and Mango scream as they get disintegrated by the blast)
BARDOCK: (thinking) I understand what I have to do now. I'm going to raise an army. We're going to rebel against Freeza. And nothing is going to stop me. (scouter starts beeping) What the--? (turns to see Dodoria charging up a mouth-beam) USELESS-ASS PSYCHIC POWERS! (screams as he gets engulfed by the blast)
DODORIA: (singing "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen)
♪Do-do-do, another one bites the dust♪
♪Dodo-do-do-do, another one bites the dust♪
♪And another one gone, and another one gone♪ (flies off)
♪Another one bites the dust♪
♪Hey, I'm gonna get you too♪
♪Another one bites the dust...♪
BARDOCK: (muffled while under his teammates' bodies) Oh, God! It's true! You really do soil yourself when you die! Ah, it's everywhere! It's in my Dodoria wounds! (frees himself from under the pile and starts coughing) Oh, well, uh, later guys. Off to raise that army. Vengeance... Yada, yada...
(cut to Kakarrot inside a space pod)
OPERATOR 1: All right, little guy. Time to send you to planet "Ee-arth."
OPERATOR 2: I think it's pronounced "Earth."
OPERATOR 1: That sounds stupid.
OPERATOR 2: You're stupid!
(cut to Freeza's ship)
FREEZA: So... how did the mission go?
DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.
ZARBON: Where are your men?
DODORIA: Complete Annihilation.
FREEZA: So, you're absolutely sure you killed every single living thing on that planet?
(Bardock's space pod is seen flying by Freeza's ship)
ZARBON: So, "Complete Annihilation," huh?
DODORIA: (stammers a few times before speaking) I'm sorry, Lord Freeza. I'll go take care of it right away.
FREEZA: Oh, forget about it. He's already on a direct course for Planet S.O.L.
ZARBON: Planet what?
FREEZA: (groans) Planet...
(cut to Bardock)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Vegeta! I've gotta warn King Vegeta.
(cut to a bar with many Saiyans socializing as Steppenwolf's "Bad to the Bone" plays in a radio)
BARDOCK: (enters inside from a door) You guys! Freeza's going to... (hit a table) Augh! (falls to the ground) Who put that table there?
SAIYAN 1: Dude, Bardock, are you wasted?
BARDOCK: Nooo. But my crew is...
SAIYAN 2: You smell like poo!
BARDOCK: Listen to me! We don't have much time. Freeza's on his way here and he plans to kill us all! We have to raise an army and--
SAIYAN 3: You're mom's an army! (Saiyan crowd starts laughing)
BARDOCK: What are you, stupid?! Do you--
SAIYAN 4: You face is stupid! (Saiyan crowd starts laughing again)
BARDOCK: Augh! Do you idiots even get it? Freeza's about to commit genocide on our entire race!
SAIYAN 5: Cool story, bro! (Saiyan crowd starts laughing once more)
BARDOCK: You know what? F**k it! I'm done! I hope you all die and go to hell! (runs off)
SAIYAN 6: Wow, that guy's a douche.
BARDOCK: (thinking) Screw them! I don't need an army. I took on those elites, I can take on this tyrant! Freeza must be stopped...no matter the cost!
("You Got The Touch" by Stan Bush starts playing as Bardock flies off towards Freeza's ship)
ZARBON: Lord Freeza, Bardock is approaching from the planet--
FREEZA: Waves of Freeza-soldiers...
(multiple Freeza soldiers start flying down from the ship)
DODORIA: It's raining men!
(soldiers simultaneously fire a ki blast at Bardock)
SOLDIER 1: Yeah, take that-- (Bardock rushes forward and elbows him in the face)
(Bardock flies through the multiple soldiers, killing a few of them in the process)
BARDOCK: FREEZA! (gets dogpiled by multiple soldiers) FREEZA!
SOLDIER 2: Ah, yo, Bardock, I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but--
(Bardock launches a blast to free himself and continues flying forward, ramming through multiple soldiers. It then shows the onslaught through a monitor at Freeza's ship.)
ZARBON: Sir, I think he wishes to have words.
FREEZA: Oh, whatever gave you that impression?
ZARBON: Well, he does keep on shouting your name.
BARDOCK: (over the speaker) FREEZA!
FREEZA: Just get my freaking bubble car.
ZARBON: Too bad. That Bardock was such a dashing rogue...
(Freeza emerges from inside his ship on his bubble car, which makes a Jetsons mobile sound effect)
BARDOCK: There you are, Freeza! I've been looking for you.
FREEZA: Well, I'm not exactly hard to find!
BARDOCK: We've had enough of this! We're done working for you, Freeza!
SOLDIER 3: (off-screen) Uh, just so you know, that man does not speak for us!
BARDOCK: We're here to kill you, and take our planet for our own!
SOLDIER 3: (off-screen) Seriously, we're not with him!
BARDOCK: For years, you've kept us under your foot... (continues speaking inaudibly under Freeza's thoughts)
FREEZA: (thinking) Oh, lord, these heroic types with their speeches. "Blah, blah, blah, injustices. Blah, blah, blah, tyranny. Blah, blah, blah, Freeza, stop killing me!" God, does he have any idea how hard it is to run an empire? I've got other things to do today, you know... Like decide what wine will I have for dinner tonight. White wine, red wine, or dare I say...rosé? Oh, perhaps I should give Cooler a call; his birthday's coming up. Nah, he's a prick. Wait a second, where was I? Oh right, mass genocide. (starts charging a Supernova)
BARDOCK: ...end your miserable life, once and for all! (starts charging up a ki blast) Now... Take this, Freeza! The power of the Saiyan race! (hurls his blast at Freeza) Hyah!
(Bardock's blast is seen flying towards Freeza and his growing Supernova and gets swallowed by the tyrant's blast. Freeza starts laughing madly and fires his now massive Supernova directly at Planet Vegeta.)
BARDOCK: (thinking) Well, I'd say I should have seen this coming, but that would be ironic...
(Bardock gets engulfed by Freeza's Supernova, with many pieces of his armor falling off)
BARDOCK: (thinking) I see it... My son. He... He's facing Freeza! He's gonna do it! He's going to avenge our people! But, wait... Wait, there's more... He fights...a giant green bug...man. And then a...giant...pink...man-child. Oh, no. It's dark again! Where...? What is...?
PARAPARA BROTHER 1: Bonparapara...
PARAPARA BROS.: Bonpappa!
PARAPARA BROTHER 1: Bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara!
PARAPARA BROTHER 2: I'm gonna lay this one down thick like whole milk!
PARAPARA BROTHER 3: Raise the cane, ra-ra, ra-ra-raise!
PARAPARA BROTHER 1: Bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara, bonparapara!
BARDOCK: (thinking) And I now welcome the sweet embrace of death... (Supernova falls and collides with Planet Vegeta)
(cut to Cooler in his spaceship)
SAUZA: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother is destroying ze Planet Vegeta!
COOLER: Very impressive, killing off a bunch of monkeys. Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could have done that at the zoo...
SAUZA: Wait, sir! It seems he has missed one ship. We are within range to intercept--
COOLER: No, let it go.
SAUZA: But, why?
COOLER: Because, I'm a prick.
(cut to Planet Vegeta getting destroyed)
NARRATOR: And so, Planet Vegeta was destroyed, along with all its inhabitants. Save a lone Saiyan child...and his brother...and a space pirate...and a renegade monster and his father...and, of course, Prince...
(cut to kid Vegeta and Nappa)
VEGETA: What is it, Nappa?
NAPPA: Well, I've got good news...and bad news. The bad news is...reports say our entire planet has been destroyed by a gigantic meteorite along with all its inhabitants.
VEGETA: Aah... But, what about--
NAPPA: Aaand your father.
VEGETA: My whole family...! My race!
NAPPA: But the good news is, we're going to Dairy Queen!
VEGETA: My entire race is go--
NAPPA: DAIRY QUEEN!
VEGETA: Just take me to the damn queen, Nappa.
NAPPA: Yaaaay! This seems the beginning of a beauuuutiful friendship...
(cut to planet Earth with Kakarrot being heard crying...again)
GRANDPA GOHAN: Oh look, someone threw out a perfectly good baby. Aren't you just adorable? I think I'm gonna call you...Clark. Heeeey, Claaarrrk. (thinking) Nah, that sounds stupid. (speaking again) Oh! How about...Goku? (Goku starts laughing) Yes, Goku! You like that, huh? Yes, you do! Whee! Wheee! Wheeeee! Whoops! (Goku is seen landing hard on his head) Uh, oh.