KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(shows the South Galaxy being destroyed)
NARRATOR: The south galaxy...has been obliterated.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) Holy shit!
(cut to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: Okay, first of all, calm down.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) I was in the bathroom for five minutes, and now it's all gone! HOW?! WHO?!
KING KAI: Could have been Beerus.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) Oh, you know that mother's still asleep! This is my ex, man! She told me she would hurt me in a way I'd never see comin'! WHY, EAST KAI?! WHY?!
KING KAI: South Kai, listen.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) I thought she meant like steal my Blu-Ray player, man.
KING KAI: South Kai! We are going to figure this out.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) We need to get whoever did this, North Kai.
KING KAI: Alright then, listen. I got a guy.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) What's his name?
(cut to Earth)
CHI-CHI: Goku! I'm gonna show you!
GOKU: Show me what?
CHI-CHI: How to act like an actual adult.
GOKU: But Chi-Chi, we're missing the wedding reception. We sat through that boring talk about love and junk for 40 minutes just waiting for the banquet. I learned how to count up to 40 because of that. That's ten fours, by the way.
CHI-CHI: And that is exactly why we're here. I don't want Gohan ending up the same, barely functioning man-child you are. And I made sure to schedule this college interview on the same day as the wedding, because as we both know, getting you into a suit, is like trying to give a cat a bath.
GOKU: But I like baths.
(cut to everyone else having a picnic in a different area)
KRILLIN: (signing a really bad cover of Don't Stop Believing)
♪Dooon't stop Belieeevin!♪
♪Hold on to that feeeeeliiiiin'!♪
MASTER ROSHI: Yeaaaaah! Sing it, girl! Ha ha!
OOLONG: Are you drunk already? The reception just started.
MASTER ROSHI: Pig, I am the pre-gaming master.
KORIN: Aw, sweetheart, I'm so sorry your best man had to skip out on the reception.
YAJIROBE: That's okay. I have my real best man right here.
KORIN: Daww, save it for the honeymoon.
YAJIROBE: Ho ho, that's not all I'm savin'...
KORIN: Is it a turkey?
YAJIROBE: You know me so well.
VEGETA: I came here for a banquet, and I find out it's a potluck, you cheap f**ks!
MRS. BRIEFS: Well, I'm surprised you came, sweetheart. An interspecies, homosexual marriage?
DR. BRIEFS: I just wanted to see what the gay agenda looked like in person. Frankly...not impressed. (a spaceship lands nearby) Oh, great, and now immigrants--truly a liberal wonderland around here! (an army of soldiers run out of the spaceship)
VEGETA: Do you fools have any idea whose planet this is?
SOLDIERS: (all of them kneel and raise their fists) All hail Lord Vegeta!
VEGETA: Well good. Glad we're clear on that.
???: It has been too many years, Prince Vegeta. Or should I say... (kneels) ...King Vegeta.
VEGETA: (eyes widen as the words "King" echoes in his mind) Never in my life have I needed something so much and never known until I received it.
(cut to Goku and Chi-Chi going through a college interview for Gohan)
INTERVIEWER: This is rather unorthodox. Your son is 11-years-old and homeschooled, but you say he's at a 12th grade level?
CHI-CHI: I'm a teacher first, and a mother second. Also a wife.
INTERVIEWER: I see. Uh, speaking of your husband, Mr. Son Goku, was it? (Chi-Chi moans and looks at Goku) Can you tell us anything interesting about yourself?
GOKU: Oh, sure. Well, uh, I'm a Saiyan.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, so you're a minority! Because that could favor your child for enrollment!
CHI-CHI: Oh, uh, yes! Definitely a minority. There are only two and half more like him that are...
KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku! (GOKU: Huh?) Are you there?
GOKU: Oh, hey, King Kai! Long time no talk. How's Bubbles? (Chi-Chi gasps) Eh, not much. Just a silly school thing. No, not for me, for Gohan. (as Chi-Chi speaks her dialogue) Oh wow, an entire galaxy?
INTERVIEWER: Um, excuse me, uh, Mr. Son?
GOKU: Hold on, talkin' to God. Wait, there are other Kais? (as Chi-Chi speaks her dialogue) When were we gonna talk about this?
CHI-CHI: Uh, he's very religious. We both are. Did you know my mother was Jewish?
GOKU: One sec. I-I gotta take this. (pops out, which causes Chi-Chi to gasp and get up from her chair)
INTERVIEWER: Ma'am? Is-is your husband a magician?
CHI-CHI: Um...yes! (laughs) And for his next trick, he will convince you to enroll our son.
INTERVIEWER: Well, if he's as "in touch with God" as you say he is, perhaps he could work that miracle.
(cut back to the picnic area)
VEGETA: So you're telling me that you've acquired an entirely new Planet Vegeta for me to rule over?
???: That is...exactly what I said, yes.
VEGETA: Ah, well then, it's official. Attention everyone! Your planet is a mudhole for entitled weaklings. And you're all worthless. (Baby Trunks is seen cooing) I'm going to claim my birthright.
TRUNKS: But Dad, what about Cell?
VEGETA: F**k 'em. (walks past the mysterious man, with Trunks running after him, but gets stopped by the mysterious man)
???: Ah, so, you must be...
TRUNKS: My name is Trunks.
???: Hello, Princess Trunks.
TRUNKS: I'm not a--
VEGETA: As my first decree, you shall only call her Princess Trunks!
SOLDIERS: All hail Princess Trunks! (all soldiers raise their fists)
VEGETA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MASTER ROSHI: Yeah! Let's go find some space strippers! (tries to get on-board the ship, but gets pulled away by Gohan, Krillin, and Oolong)
OOLONG: This isn't part of the reception!
KRILLIN: How is he this strong?!
BULMA: Sure, just go back into space again. At least I'm not pregnant this time. Shit, I hope.
TRUNKS: (as he runs past Bulma) I'll drag him back by his non-existant tail if I have to! (flies up into the ship)
BULMA: *sigh* Don't try too hard... (the ship blast off)
(cut to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: Wait, "take this" where? Goku? Goku? (Goku pops in) SUPREME KAI ALMIGHTY! What is up with that monkey suit you're wearing?
TALKING MOVIE BUBBLES: That's highly offensive, sir.
KING KAI: I'm a God, Bubbles, I don't see race, you filthy macaque.
TALKING MOVIE BUBBLES: Aw...
GOKU: (jumps out of the monkey suit and into his trademark orange gi) Ah... Alright! Who do I gotta beat up?
KING KAI: That's what you're going to find out. Now normally I don't involve myself in the matters of other galaxies, but South Kai bought me my car, so, I owe him a favor. Have you seen it? It's only got 63 miles on it.
GOKU: She's a Buick.
KING KAI: Chevrolet Bel Air, actually. Now, it's up to you to find out who destroyed South Galaxy.
GOKU: Okey-doke! I'll go look for clues!
KING KAI: Uh, wait, look where? (Goku pops out...and pops back in after three seconds)
GOKU: *gasp* S-s-so-ho-ho! I can't breathe in space, apparently!
KING KAI: You're the salt of the Earth, Goku.
(cut to the spaceship arriving on a mysterious planet and then shifts to Vegeta with the mysterious man on a hovercar)
???: And now, my lord. Behold! Your magnificent new kingdom.
VEGETA: Pretty sure when you rule over a planet, the planet is your kingdom.
???: How wise you are, my lord. How about we take a tour of your beautiful new palace?
(shift to Gohan, Master Roshi, and Oolong riding on the trunk)
MASTER ROSHI: Somebody get me a raw egg, two shots of Tabasco, salt, pepper, and a gun to shoot myself.
OOLONG: You know what they say, liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Liquor before intergalactic travel, feel your insides unravel. (Master Roshi vomits)
(cut to Perfect Cell standing in the center of his ring when Goku pops in)
PERFECT CELL: Hm?
GOKU: Did you destroy South Galaxy?
PERFECT CELL: There's a South Galaxy?
GOKU: Forget you heard that.
PERFECT CELL: No. (Goku pops out) Our talks are nice.
(cut to Vegeta's palace in New Planet Vegeta)
VEGETA: You call THIS a palace worthy of King Vegeta? First of all I demand more towers. Second, I demand more towels. And third, I demand more trowels. The brick-work on this place is a shit-show. (referring to a tall, scrawny figure) And who's this scrawny puke?
SCRAWNY PUKE: I'm a foot and a half taller than you, but, whatever...
VEGETA: What was that?!
SCRAWNY PUKE: I said I can't hear you from down there...
VEGETA: Speak up, boy, I can't hear you from up there!
???: Uhm, that is my son, Broly, my liege. Forgive him, he's a very passive boy.
VEGETA: Beta male. Got it. But, for the sake of the Saiyan race, he has my blessings to bed Princess Trunks.
TRUNKS: Excuse you?!
VEGETA: Shut up, boy, think of the bloodline.
TRUNKS: Do you even know what you're doing?!
VEGETA: I don't need to. I'm king.
TRUNKS: (as Broly approaches him) Huh?
BROLY: Your hair looks like lavender but smells like strawberries...
GOHAN: Something seems really fishy.
KRILLIN: Yeah, Trunks doesn't even have a womb.
GOHAN: I say we investigate.
KRILLIN: Ha! Not that curious!
GOHAN: The planet...
KRILLIN: Yeah, yeah, I know...
(cut back to Earth with Mercenary Tao screaming in horror at Goku's presence)
MERCENARY TAO: (screaming)
GOKU: I just wanna make sure if it was you who destroyed South Galaxy. Stop screaming if it was.
MERCENARY TAO: (continues screaming)
GOKU: Okay... I'mma let you go then. Good luck with your ass-assing! (pops out, cut to King Kai's planet) Man, King Kai, I'm stumped. I asked Cell, Mercenary Tao, Piccolo, Tenshinhan, and that monster, Pilaf, and none of them destroyed South Galaxy.
KING KAI: Goku... I've been trying to tell you for the last two hours! (points to a direction) Go to New Vegeta!
GOKU: *gasp* There's another Vegeta?! I wonder if he's stronger than normal Vegeta... Eeeeee- (pops out)
KING KAI: That man is going to be the death of me. (epic forshadowing)
(cut to Gohan, Krillin, and Trunks investigating New Planet Vegeta)
KRILLIN: This place looked a lot better as a skyline.
TRUNKS: What happened here?
GOHAN: And why does it look like the day after tomorrow was yesterday?
KRILLIN: Hey, over there! Maybe we can ask one of these fine, indentured servants what's going on. (shows a group of servants working as slaves)
TRUNKS: Aw, crapbaskets...
(one servant falls down and starts coughing)
CONDI: Worry not, podling... I just inhaled a little bit of rust... (continues coughing as Gohan lands)
SHAMO: No, please! If you are angry, use your whip on me. I can take it...
GOHAN: No, don't worry, we're not with them. We won't hurt you.
SHAMO: Oh. Whatever.
GOHAN: (as Condi continues coughing) So, uh, you guys slaves, or...
SHAMO: Oh, yeah! A couple of Saiyans landed on our planet a few months ago, and transported us here against our will. And if we step out of line, well... (a soldier appears and kicks him) AUGH!
SOLDIER: Surprise, you worthless runt! It's time for your hourly beating! (whips Shamo)
SHAMO: Ugh! Oh, God, daddy!
DAH DI: Uh, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's my name. It's actually pronounced "Dah Di". (whips Shamo again)
SHAMO: Huaa! Harder, daddy!
DAH DI: Now, that one was what you thought it was. (whips Shamo once more)
SHAMO: Ungh, yeaaah... (gets whipped for a fourth time) Ughh!
CONDI: Please, I beg you! He is but a boy! Let me take it! It's MY TURN. (WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?)
DAH DI: Only after you lick my boot!
CONDI: Oh, you "monster"!
GOHAN: Stop that! (attacks Dah Di)
DAH DI: Huagh!
GOHAN: Leave these...odd people alone.
SOLDIER: Ha ha ha... We've been beating up children all day long. What makes you any different?
KRILLIN: Because he's with me! (starts punching the air) Hii ya! Ha! Hua! Whacha-cha!
SOLDIER: Okay, kinky we can handle, but we're not being paid for crazy. We're out. (he and another soldier runs off)
GOKU: (pops in) -eeee--
KRILLIN: WAATAA! (accidentally punches Goku in the face)
GOKU: Aaaagaaghhh! Agh.... And I just bit the inside of my cheek earlier. Augh...
KRILLIN: Goku? What the heck are you doing here? Also, sorry.
GOKU: Oh, just looking for the New Vegeta. I followed old Vegeta's energy here and I found you guys.
TRUNKS: Uh, Goku? New Vegeta is actually just a planet.
GOKU: Aw, now you tell me! Who names their planet after themselves?
VEGETA: A goddamn idiot!
(cut over to Vegeta walking toward the ship he and everyone else arrived in with Broly behind him)
VEGETA: That's what I am for buying into this garbage heap.
???: Please, my liege!
VEGETA: I'm not your "liege" you brown-nosing toady. You promised me a kingdom, but I have no subjects, no infrastructure, and a throne made of wood! What am I, the Space Pope?!
???: I beg of you, King Vegeta, please stay! For roughly...three--maybe three and a half hours?
VEGETA: And continue wasting my time? Oh, and tell your creepy brat to stop following me!
BROLY: What's your power level?
VEGETA: And stop asking that! NO ONE CARES ANYMORE!
BROLY: Mine's pretty big...
GOKU: (lands in front of Vegeta and Broly) Hey 'Geets!
???: Oh, shit, it's Kaka-
???: -ku! Goku. Hello, Goku. Have you come to join the rest of your marvelous race?
VEGETA: Or did you just come to see my new palace? It has six towers! Like a peasant!
BROLY: Hello... What is your power level?
GOKU: Eh, dunno. Pretty big, though.
BROLY: Mine too...
GOKU: Cool! So, 'Geets, I'm actually looking for the person who blew up a galaxy.
???: But who would blow up South Galaxy?
BROLY: Probably someone with a really big power level...
GOKU: That's a good point. You've got a good point! What's your name?
GOKU: Good point, Broly!
BROLY: (smiles) Mmm...
TRUNKS: (arrives) Father! It's all a lie!
VEGETA: I know, a queen-sized bed? Paragus, you squalid f**k.
TRUNKS: No, Paragus has been fabricating this entire planet. From its palace to its people!
PARAGUS: Princess Trunks, hrn, perhaps...
TRUNKS: Okay, I'm putting a moratorium on that right now. Father, this psychopath has been enslaving races from other planets to build your kingdom. (shows Gohan and Krillin landing with a group of slaves) Even the greenery is manufactured!
VEGETA: Paragus...is this true?
PARAGUS: My liege... Yes, it is.
VEGETA: My God... You're not the shitstain of a Saiyan I thought you were!
PARAGUS: Thank you, my liege.
TRUNKS: Oh, goddammit, Dad.
VEGETA: You are now my Royal Grand Vizier!
PARAGUS: Ah! Big shoes to fill...
TRUNKS: Father! What this guy has done... It's in-human!
VEGETA: Yes, but it's not in-Saiyan.
SHAMO: Actually, we much enjoy the slavery.
GOHAN: Say wha'?
SHAMO: Yes. Being enslaved and exploited by another...stronger, strapping race, (puts on a seductive face) fulfills us completely.
KRILLIN: You know, I...actually kinda get it.
SHAMO: Although, it is strange he would force us to build a kingdom on a doomed planet.
PARAGUS: (thinking) Oh, goddammit.
VEGETA: Explain, shitstain.
PARAGUS: To hell with this, I'll leave the bootlicking to the Shamoshians. Well then! You have finally unravelled my plan, King Vegeta!
PARAGUS: This whole wretched planet will soon be encompassed by the cataclysmic comet, Camori. Wiping it, and you, out with it.
VEGETA: I'm confused. Am I being pranked? Cause I don't do jokes.
PARAGUS: This is no joke! This...is my revenge!
GOHAN: But why?
PARAGUS: Because that bastard Vegeta left us both to die.
VEGETA: Sounds like me but that doesn't sound familiar.
PARAGUS: Not you, you self absorbed, blue-blooded snot! Your father. The true king. (shows Broly as a baby in the maternity ward) Mere days after my son was born, they realized his immense power level. A whopping 10,000!
VEGETA: Pff, yeah, well I was like, 20,000 as like a sperm, so, y'know.
PARAGUS: And so, threatened by the magnificence of my prodigy, the king ordered for him to be executed.
(shows a younger Paragus entering the throne room)
YOUNG PARAGUS: This is insane! Freeza's got us paying rent under his boot-heel, and you're just going to murder our Saiyan baby with a power level of 10,000? (gets grabbed by two Saiyans as King Vegeta approaches him) He's like a trump card, if the card literally flipped the table over and shot the other player! He would be of great use to Vegeta!
KING VEGETA: My son, the planet, or me?
YOUNG PARAGUS: Yes! (King Vegeta blasts him) HUAAAAAAAAAAGH! GAHBHOOHUAAHYEAB HYUNNOBHUHA-- (crashes off-screen)
KING VEGETA: Grand Vizier Nappa. I require your treasured guidance once more.
NAPPA: Stab the baby.
KING VEGETA: Are...you sure?
NAPPA: Look, we've got a meeting with Freeza in one hour. So either stab the baby, or we have to cancel your 6:00.
(cut to the maternity ward with a silhouetted figure of King Vegeta picking up baby Broly, who's next to a crying baby Goku, by the foot)
PARAGUS: He then saw to my son's execution himself. With, well, less than success.
(shows King Vegeta attempting to kill baby Broly by stabbing him with a dagger, only for the dagger to break when it comes in contact with baby Broly's body, who shrieks upon getting hit)
KING VEGETA: Son of an Arlian whore... Someone fetch me a better dagger so I may properly stab this baby! (baby Broly starts crying) Oh, good, now it's crying. To hell with this! (drops baby Broly to the floor with a splat) Just dump him in a hole with his father.
(shows Paragus and baby Broly being left for dead in a garbage heap)
PARAGUS: Luckily, the king was as half-assed at murdering us as he was at raising you, Vegeta. (shows Freeza's Supernova colliding with Planet Vegeta and then shows baby Broly creating a force field to protect himself and Paragus from the explosion) And with Broly's magnificent power, we survived the extinction of our race.
GOKU: Wait, wait, wait, wait. So does this have anything to do with South Galaxy? Cause that's kinda why I'm here.
PARAGUS: Actually, yes. You see, one night while I was discussing the son of Bardock...
VEGETA: The scientist?
PARAGUS: The very same. That night, I uttered a single word that triggered Broly. And he suddenly went wild! In his furious rage he exterminated the South Galaxy in its entirety.
GOKU: What was the word?
PARAGUS: I... Why would I--?
GOKU: Is it "non-fat"?
PARAGUS: No! Why would it be--?
PARAGUS: This is ridiculous. Stop trying to trigger my son!
GOKU: "Freezer" with an "i"?
PARAGUS: For God's sake...
VEGETA: First of all, Paragus, your seed couldn't compare to my own. And he's a filthy half-ling.
TRUNKS: Love you too, Dad.
VEGETA: And second, I couldn't care less about any South Galaxies, or lack thereof. So, if you're done wasting everyone's time... Grab your friends, grab your shit, and go home, Kakarrot!
PARAGUS: Please do not say that again.
GOKU: It was "friends", wasn't it?
VEGETA: I said shut it, Kakarrot!
PARAGUS: Please, stop saying that name!
TRUNKS: Father, just call him "Goku"!
VEGETA: And disrespect my heritage? I will address him with the name given to him by the glorious Saiyan race! Kakarrot, Kakarrot--
VEGETA: See, he's slow, and he gets it.
PARAGUS: I suggest we all run.
BROLY: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (screams and explodes, transforming into a mysterious Super Saiyan form)
VEGETA: This power... Wha... What is he?
PARAGUS: He...is the Legendary Super Saiyan.
VEGETA: Oh, that's so cool.
GOKU: But why is it kinda...green?
PARAGUS: Because it's legendary.
VEGETA: (off-screen) AAAAAHHHHH!
BROLY: Hey, Kakarrot. You said your power level was pretty big, right?
GOKU: Yuh-huh... Why?
BROLY: Because my power IS MAXIMUM!
GOKU: ...Prove it.
BROLY: HUUUAAGH! (sends out an energy burst)
GOHAN: (as Goku flies him out of the vicinity) Why?
TRUNKS: I woke up this morning for a gay wedding... I did not expect this. (flies off towards the battle)
VEGETA: H-how... How is he this strong? How many pushups did he do?! How many situps?! WHAT KIND OF JUICE DID HE DRINK?!
PARAGUS: This is not the result of paltry training...this...is destiny. For you see, Prince Vegeta. You're not dealing with the average Saiyan warrior anymore.
GOKU: Gohan! Trunks! Haaaaa! (turns Super Saiyan)
GOHAN: Hu! (also turns Super Saiyan)
TRUNKS: Huuuu ahhh! (turns Super Saiyan as well, shredding his mother's jacket) Wha?! Aw, dammit, my jacket! I only had the one! Augh, mom is gonna kill me!
(Broly charges at Goku, Gohan, and Trunks and knocks all of them away with one blow)
GOKU: Listen Broly... I don't wanna tell you how to be the Legendary Super Saiyan, but...you're not supposed to start all-out. You're supposed to start off small and then work up to it.
BROLY: I am starting small.
GOKU: Oh. Good for you. Holy crap...
KRILLIN: Hey Goku! I brought the Shamoshians! (shows the Shamoshians in a big group)
SHIMO: There's no way we're going to miss sadism like this!
GOHAN: Dad, what is sadism?
GOKU: Ask your mother.
BROLY: Yeah, you know your place. Under your master's feet!
SHIMO: (with a horny face) Oh, God, yes!
BROLY: You want the ultimate punishment?
SHIMO: (with a more horny face) Mmm, yeah!
BROLY: Then I'll just blow up your planet!
SHIMO: (now with a horrified face) Guys? What's our safeword?
SHAMOSHIAN #1: Uhh, I think it was "banana"?
SHAMOSHIAN #2: No, "pineapple".
SHAMOSHIAN #3: It wasn't a fruit, it was a vegetable. (Broly fires a blast the Shamoshians' planet)
SHAMOSHIAN #2: "Brussel sprouts"?
CONDI: "Broccoli"! It was "broccoli"--
(the blast destroys the Shamoshians' planet)
SHIMO: Why did we not know our own safeword...?
CONDI: It was lost to time...
BROLY: Princess Trunks...
TRUNKS: Please, no...
BROLY: You lied to me.
TRUNKS: I did no such thing!
BROLY: You dirty boy.
TRUNKS: (with dawning horror) Goku, get me off this planet right now! I'm serious! Instant Transmission! (Broly grabs him with his arm) Agh! (Broly rams him into a wall) Gah!
GOKU: Okay, Gohan. I was gonna save this for Cell, but I'm gonna need you to let go, and...
GOHAN: Got it. Leaving. (flies off)
GOKU: Gohan? Where'd you go, Han? (Broly kicks him in the face) HUAAAA! (flies into a wall)
GOHAN: (thinking) It's okay, Gohan. You just find that ship we came here on, grab everyone else, and...
BROLY: (appears straight through a building) AHAHA!
GOHAN: (thinking) I should apologize to Mom if I get home. (Broly grabs his face and throws him trough the wall of a building until he hits another building)
GOKU: Gohan! (starts running towards Gohan)
BROLY: (appears in Goku's path) RAAAGH!
BROLY: RRUAGH! (fires a blast that hits Goku dead-on)
BROLY: (prepares another blast) What's wrong, Kakarrot?! Don't you care if I kill your son?!
GOKU: Ugh... I'd rather you not? We have DragonBalls, but, that's like a whole day. Oh! He's never met King Kai. Hey Gohan! You're gonna meet King Kai! (get sent flying upward by Broly's blast) Eeeeeeeeeee! (hits a building, causing a big explosion)
(cut over to Paragus and Vegeta)
PARAGUS: You are probably wondering where this unfettered hatred for Kakarrot stems from.
VEGETA: Not...really? Hating Kakarrot kinda gives me life, so--
(flashback to baby Broly getting mentally traumatized by baby Goku's constant crying in the maternity ward)
PARAGUS: It all began...
VEGETA: Oh, being ignored.
PARAGUS: ...when they were but newborn babies. Their cribs in the maternity ward were right beside each other. And Kakarrot cried. Terrorizing my son.
(back to present)
PARAGUS: That's it.
VEGETA: Didn't my father stab him?
VEGETA: Then why doesn't he hate me?
PARAGUS: Oh, no, I hate you. Well, I hated your father, and therefore you. Broly hates Kakarrot. Because he cried. A lot. For like three hours.
VEGETA: But...that's really dumb. B-but he's so cool! But that's so dumb!
BROLY: My power... My power is...MAXIMUMER! (fires multiple blast that destroys Vegeta's palace and the spapceship)
GOKU: Yeah, son?
GOHAN: Holy f**k, he's strong.
GOKU: Yeah...and to make things worse...I think we blew your college submission...
GOHAN: Man, this just isn't my day.
GOKU: Eh, don't worry. I think it's your movie next.
BROLY: But now is Broly! NOW BROLY! (fires a blast at Gohan)
GOHAN: Piccolo, help! (Broly's blast gets blocked by another blast and Piccolo (once again) rescues Gohan)
PICCOLO: (gives Gohan a Senzu Bean) Gohan, are you okay? Do you need some juice? Did you get into that school you wanted?
GOHAN: Doesn't look like it.
GOHAN: How did you get here?
PICCOLO: I came when I heard you call.
(cut to Krillin, Oolong, and Master Roshi inside a ship, which flies past Comet Camori)
KRILLIN: Thanks for the ship, Piccolo!
MASTER ROSHI: We're taking this bitch to Space Vegas!
OOLONG: (simultaneously) Yeaaaaaah!
KRILLIN: (simultaneously) Wooooooo!
MASTER ROSHI: (simultaneously) He he he he haa!
BROLY: You! Green man! You're new. What is your power level?
PICCOLO: I dunno, give me a minute.
BROLY: BROLY DOES NOT LIKE TO WAIT!
PICCOLO: Goku can we beat this guy?
GOKU: Uh! I dunno. I'm sure I'll pull something out my butt.
BROLY: AND IT WILL BE BROLY'S FIST!
PICCOLO: Let's see how you fare when it's four-on-one, monster! (he along with Goku, Gohan, and Trunks fly up to confront Broly)
BROLY: Monster? Broly is not a monster. Broly is... Durh...
GOHAN: A genuine demon?
GOKU: A true freak?
BROLY: The devil!
VEGETA: (off-screen) OH, MY GOD, HE'S SO GODDAMN COOL!
(Goku and Piccolo charge forward to attack Broly accompanied with awesome music, which immediately cuts out as it shows Broly evading all of Goku and Piccolo's attacks, in which you can hear Goku and Piccolo grunting along with slapping sound. This goes on for six seconds until Broly grabs both Goku and Piccolo)
GOHAN & TRUNKS: Masenko!
(Broly releases Goku and Piccolo and takes the combined Masenko before landing on the ground. Piccolo tries to attack Broly from above, but Broly headbutts and sweepkicks him. Gohan and Trunks try to attack together, but Broly manhandles both of them while running towards Piccolo and kicks him away and sealing the deal by firing an energy blast, which sends the Namekian flying all the way to a cliff nearby Vegeta's location and causes a big explosion.)
PICCOLO: (groans as he climbs up the cliff) What the f**k are you doing back here?!
VEGETA: I don't know what's going on anymore. He's so cool but he's so...goddamn dumb!
PICCOLO: (grabs Vegeta by the hair) Okay, Vegeta. While you're here having this "crisis", we're out there getting beaten into a bloody paste!
VEGETA: But you don't understand, the Legendary Super Saiyan, is motivated by a crying infant! He is a literal giant f**king baby!
PICCOLO: So, kind of what you're being right now?
VEGETA: You're just mad you're not the Legendary Super Namekian.
PICCOLO: Alright, bye Vegeta.
VEGETA: (as he falls to the ground) Byyyyyye... (lands on a building below)
(cut to Broly walking through smoke with booming footsteps)
GOKU: Hey Broly! Ka... Me... (Broly grabs him by the hair) Ah! Oh wah!
BROLY: You were sayin'.
GOKU: (muffled) I am Saiyan! Hu hu hu! (Broly sends him flying with a punch) Ah aughh... (hits the ground and shifts to the ground crumbling around Vegeta)
BROLY: This all you got, Kakarrot? Broly is disappointed. Kakarrot killed Freeza. Kakarrot's supposed to be strongest. But now Broly's strongest. And now YOU DIE!
VEGETA: Excuse you.
BROLY: Excuse Broly?
VEGETA: You've been ignoring someone this entire time.
BROLY: Broly's wife?
TRUNKS: Well, technically, I was the one who killed Freeza.
BROLY: That's hot.
VEGETA: No, you mouthbreather! You have been ignoring your king!
BROLY: What is a king to a God?
VEGETA: And what is a God...TO A NONBELIEVER?! (turns Super Saiyan) HEAAAAAAAAAAA-- (Broly shuts him up by lariating him into a wall, which creates a massive crater)
BROLY: Do you believe now?
VEGETA: (muffled) Uh-huh. (Broly lets go of his face) So cool... (turns back to normal and falls)
BROLY: Now, Kakarrot... KAKARROT! KAKARRROOOOT!
PARAGUS: He has devolved into only saying a single word. (thinking while getting inside a space pod) Time to hit the ol' cosmic trail...
PARAGUS: (thinking) Oh. (sees Broly approaching the space pod) Hi son.
PARAGUS: N-no, i-it's your father. I was just prepping this pod to leave, before the comit hits.
BROLY: KAKARROT. (grabs the space pod)
PARAGUS: Yes, true... It's a pod meant for one person, but...
BROLY: KAKARROT! (crushes the space pod)
PARAGUS: Broly! Be a good boy and show daddy the love he has shown you.
BROLY: HUG. HUUUUUUUG. (crushes the space pod)
PARAGUS: (as he gets crushed inside the space pod) Oh, nonononono!
BROLY: HEAAAAUNGH! (hurls the space pod at Comet Camori, which explodes upon contact with the comet)
GOKU: Okay, guys... Be real with me... Is this the worst, or what?
PICCOLO: Frankly, at this point...I wish we could open up the Dead Zone and bring back Garlic Jr..
TRUNKS: Can't believe I'm saying it, but I'll take some more Androids, please.
VEGETA: And I'd rather get kicked in the dick...a thousand more times, than hear that idiot scream Kakarrot's name again.
BROLY: (off-screen) KAKARROT!
VEGETA: (groans in frustration)
GOHAN: I'd even take Turtles. And he was just an evil version of my dad.
VEGETA: Wait, that guy with the tree? Is he alive?
GOKU: Not anymore. Also that Wheelo guy. He was nice...
GOHAN: Oh yeah... Too bad he died of brain cancer...
GOKU: Cool... Then I'll cut to the chaste... Give me all of your energy. Right now. I'll end it in One Punch, man.
PICCOLO: (sends his energy to Goku) Done.
TRUNKS: (sends his energy to Goku) Doing it.
GOHAN: (sends his energy to Goku) Please make it end.
GOKU: Now Vegeta... I know you're probably not going to--
VEGETA: (sends his energy to Goku) F**k it. You have it, just go.
GOKU: Thanks, best buddy!
VEGETA: No. (collapses)
(Broly screams and charges at Goku, who does the same. Broly prepares to throw another punch at Goku.)
GOKU: HEY, BROLY! SAY MY NAME! (lands a clean punch at Broly's abdomen)
BROLY: HUUNGH? (shows a brief flashback of baby Broly getting tormented by the cries of baby Goku and then back to the present with Goku delivering the deadly blow to Broly) KA...KAA...ROOOOOOOOOTTT!!!
GOKU: Victory for Go-- (get caught in the explosion by Broly) Huaaaaa!
(cut to New Planet Vegeta getting obliterated by Comet Camori and then to the far reaches of space with a Capsule Corp. spaceship popping in)
MASTER ROSHI: HOLY SHIT!
SHAMOSHIAN: Ohh, it's so tight!
PICCOLO: Okay, just gonna drop this one out there, but, earlier, nobody brought up Slug and I feel that's kind of racist.
OOLONG: What are these things and why is one grinding on me?
SHAMOSHIAN: Step on my genitals!
(cut to King Kai on his planet)
KING KAI: There you go, South Kai. Your galaxy has been avenged.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) ...But it's still gone.
KING KAI: Sorry, but ain't no DragonBalls that'll bring that back. ...I think.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) But what about the Otherworld Tournament coming up?
KING KAI: Well, now you have a lot more options.
SOUTH KAI: (telepathically) ...That's f**ked up, man.
("Broly Chronicles" plays as the ending credits roll)
♪Broly's legend first began in 1993.♪
♪With biceps bigger than Goku's head and a heart that longed to be free.♪
♪Broly, Broly, Broly... Why are you so strong?♪
♪Your power level is twice as high, as your Saiyan hair is long.♪
♪Broly was a motherf**ker.♪
♪Stronger than that robot trucker.♪
♪Broly's enemies are done!♪
♪BROLY POWER MAXIMUM!!!♪
♪That's it, everybody! That's Broly!♪
♪When Broly, Broly done!♪
♪Don't even--don't even ask anymore.♪
♪Ju-just subscribe and enjoy!♪
♪And I'm out!♪
(cut to Goku popping in with Gohan outside near their house)
GOKU: Alright. Let's see if we can just sneak into the house and...
CHI-CHI: (emerges from behind the hanged laundry) (to Gohan) ROOM, NOW!
GOHAN: Okay! (runs inside)
GOKU: Oh, hey, Chi-Chi! Gohan not make it in?
CHI-CHI: Oh, no, he made it in! After a sizeable donation from my father!
GOKU: Good! Man, I'm glad we come from money!
CHI-CHI: I come from money, Goku! YOU come from a race of idiots!
GOKU: I sure do, Chi-Chi. I sure do. (screen slowly zooms in on Goku's face)
CHI-CHI: I want a divorce.
GOKU: Me too, I'm starving!
LANIPATOR: Hey everyone, Lanipator here. Thanks for watching! If you're new to the channel, and enjoy what you saw, make sure you subscribe and stay up to date! And if you're in the mood for more anime violence, why not check out Hellsing Ultimate Abridged? Also, if you're catching this on release day, join us at 6:00 CT for a post-release stream over on twitch.tv/streamfourstar. Love ya, and catch you later.