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MIKASA: Did you have that weird dream again?
EREN: Yes! Gahh...
EREN: (voiceover) My name is Eren Jaeger. I'm 10 years old. I live within the walls with my family. I spend most of my days with my adopted sister Mikasa. I met her a long time ago during a summer trip.
(Flips to Eren stabbing the kidnappers)
EREN: (voiceover) And it got REALLY crazy when the third guy showed up.
(Flips to the kidnapper scene again with Mikasa running with a knife and screaming)
EREN: (voiceover) I live with her and the rest of my family: my mother and my supportive father.
EREN: Dad, when I grow up I want to invent ice cream!
EREN'S DAD: That's okay, son, when I was your age I had stupid dreams too!
MIKASA: Like being a supportive father who's around for his children?
EREN'S MOM: Mmhm.
EREN'S DAD: Aha, it's funny you say that! 'Cause I'm leaving today!
EREN: But, dad, what about that thing in the basement?
EREN'S DAD: Ahh I'll show you when I get back.
EREN'S DAD: Yeeeaaaahhhh...Mmhm.
EREN: (voiceover) And of course you can't forget about my best friend Armin.
(Flips to Armin getting beat up)
ARMIN: Oh yeah, see, so you guys are gonna beat me up now huh? This is why I called you guys assholes in the first place, you know, it's good!
(While Eren is narrating, sounds of Armin getting beat up come from the background)
ARMIN: (in background) I come from a military family!
EREN: (voiceover) We all live happily together in this peaceful city. And nothing's ever gonna change that. But part of me always wished for some sort of adventure...
(Colossal Titan appears)
EREN: (voiceover) Why did I wish for this adventure?
CITIZEN #1: Holy shit is that a titan?
CITIZEN #2: You know, I heard they'd be naked but that's a lot more naked than I expected-
MAN: My leg!
EREN: I-It's okay! Maybe the titans can't get in!
MIKASA: They're in.
ARMIN: Dammit Eren you keep jinxing shit! And your house is right there!
(Eren and Mikasa run towards their house)
ANNOUNCER: Attention, everyone. The outside wall has been breached and titans have began entering the city. Please make your way to the Wall Maria exit in a calm and orderly fashion. In the meantime, we will be playing soothing music for your leisure.
(music starts playing)
CITIZEN #3: Oh, that's nice.
ANNOUNCER: We will now be turning up the music.
(music is now louder)
ARMIN: Ye-You know what? I woke up today... and... I realised I hate everyone! And this happens, so... today's a win!
EREN: Mom, are you okay?
EREN'S MOM: Mhmm-mm.
EREN: Is it because the house is on you?
EREN'S MOM: Mmhm.
EREN: Do you want me and Mikasa to save you?
EREN'S MOM: MMHM!
EREN: Mikasa, use your super-strenght or something!
MIKASA: There's a titan coming.
EREN'S MOM: Mm-mm! Mm-hmmm! Mmm!!!
HANNES: Don't worry kids! It's time... for HANNES!
HANNES: Get your mom out of there. I'll take care of this titan lickity-split! Gyaaaa- *gasp*
(Hannes stares at the Grinning Titan and it stares back at him a few times, until Hannes pees himself)
HANNES: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Alright kids, say goodbye to mom!
EREN'S MOM: Mmmmm!
EREN: No! I can't see this! Turn me around! Turn me around!
HANNES: We can't turn around kid! She's gone!
(The titan eats Eren's mom)
SOLDIER #1: Alright guys, most of the citizens have made it through the gate! Keep laying down and surpressing barrage until they're all through! Then we'll be home free!
(Giant titan appears)
SOLDIER #1: What? No, seriously guys, what the actual hell is that?
(Titan starts running)
SOLDIER #1: Whatever it is, SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT SHOOT IT SHOOT IT!
(Titan keeps running)
SOLDIER #1: Oh, SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Titan destroys the wall)
CITIZEN #4: Oh, fuck that guy!
NARRATOR: And so hundreds of thousands of people died and the outer world was taken over by titans. And the survivors were forced into refugee camps where they didn't have enough food so even more people died. Yay! But, how are Eren and the gang getting by?
EREN: Guys! I know how to solve all of our problems.
(flips to Eren talking to 2 soldiers)
SOLDIER #2: You want more food kid?
SOLDIER #2: Then you should fuckin' join the military! You can get all the food you want!
SOLDIER #2: Yeah! And you can also do stuff like this!
(Soldiers punch and kick Eren)
EREN: That sounds awesome!
(flips to Eren with Mikasa and Armin)
EREN: We'll join the military! We can get all the food, authority and VENGEANCE that we ever wanted! I know we've been going through some rough times lately... I mean... My mom died... And the rest of Armin's family died...
ARMIN: Ahagha I'm alright! Everything worked out for us!
EREN: Armin! Not all of us can be like you and love the fact that our parents are dead! Except for Mikasa. 'Cause hers were murdered right in front of her. I guess now I can understand why she's so messed up in the h- (Mikasa punches him)
MIKASA: The military sounds great.
EREN: Yeah *cough*
[3 YEARS LATER]
SHADIS: Alright, you poop nobblers! Now I don't want no screwin' around with you batch of meat tossers! Last group thought it'd be funny shove a corn cob up a trainees' bunghole! And you know what happened? (Silence) They were asked to leave politely. And it was awkward (voice crack) for everyone!
(goes to Armin)
SHADIS: Alright Arian coconut! What's your name?
SHADIS: Well, sweet Mother Theresa on the hood of a Mercedes-Benz, you sound like a majestic fucking eagle! Do you sing?
SHADIS: Harmonize with me maggot!
ARMIN: I don't know if I ca-
(epic head crack)
SHADIS: Wha' about you, muffin top? What's your story?
JEAN: Ah well my name's Jean Kirschtein from Trost and after I ace this academy, I'll be joining the military police.
SHADIS: Wow. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
JEAN: Oh, well thank you so mu-
(Shadis hits Jean's head and he falls on the ground crying)
SHADIS: Now listen up, you double-decker pig fart! You don't get to join the military police 'till after you pull your head out of your hamster hole!