ANDROID 17: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to the island where Piccolo and Androids 16, 17, and 18 are staring at Imperfect Cell, who was previously spectating the battle between Piccolo and 17 from a cliff)
ANDROID 17: So what is this? Spearmint, your inbred mutant cousin or something?
PICCOLO: Wait... I thought he was on your side.
ANDROID 17: What? Why would I know him?
IMPERFECT CELL: Hello... brother...
ANDROID 17: Come again?
IMPERFECT CELL: In a moment... (to Android 18) And hello, my beautiful sister. (starts wagging his tongue in an indecent manner)
ANDROID 18: (disturbed) Oh, F**K no!
IMPERFECT CELL: (to Android 16) And... um...
ANDROID 16: I am designated as Android 16.
CELL: ...Cool. Anywho... (jumps down from the cliff to ground level) You have my sincerest gratitude, Piccolo. Without power levels, I would have been left searching for them blindly. But thanks to your little skirmish, I have been reunited with my family. And we have so much catching up to do! (begins to power up) Haaaah...!
ANDROID 17: Okay, so am I alone, or did that not explain ANYTHING?!
PICCOLO: He calls himself Cell. He's one of Dr. Gero's creations; he's from the future.
ANDROID 17: Oh, sure, he's from the future. Yeah, and I'm a park ranger.
ANDROID 16: That sounds nice.
ANDROID 18: Can we FOCUS?!
(Imperfect Cell lets out an enormous blast)
(cut to Kame House)
TIEN: Guys, is that who I think it is?
KRILLIN: Yeah, oh yeah... Yeah...
MASTER ROSHI: Damn it! And we still don't have that detonator!
KRILLIN: (indecisive sounding) Yeah, no! Yeah! Yeah, no!
TIEN: We're out of time! We need to do something now!
CHI-CHI: Here's a thought... How about one of you who can fly faster than the speed of sound go meet Bulma halfway?
KRILLIN: ...Chi-Chi, you beautiful woman who lives in Goku's house!
CHI-CHI: That is what I do.
MASTER ROSHI: Well, then, which one of you--?
KRILLIN: DIBS! Woo-hoo! (takes off)
MASTER ROSHI: Well, that works. Guess this is all we can do until Goku and Vegeta get ba--
TIEN: ENOUGH! I AM NOT A SPECTATOR! I AM A WARRIOR! (flies off to the battlefield)
MASTER ROSHI: I can never read that guy...
CHI-CHI: Aren't you going to help, too?
MASTER ROSHI: No.
CHI-CHI: Is it because you're old?
MASTER ROSHI: Yeah...
CHI-CHI: Where's Yamcha?
(a toilet is heard flushing inside Kame House as Turtle looks at the front door)
YAMCHA: (from inside the house) Hey, Master Roshi, you're out of toilet paper! (the toilet is heard backing up) Oh, no... Oh, geez... Oh, God...!
(Cut to the battlefield where Imperfect Cell leveled the area he's standing on with his power alone, leaving Piccolo shocked and speechless)
KAMI: (All right... He's grown just a bit stronger since last time. No big deal. We've got this.)
(Imperfect Cell starts walking forward)
NAIL: (He's going to kill us. He's going to kill Piccolo--and by extension us.)
KAMI: (I'm trying to boost his morale, you idiot.)
(Imperfect Cell walks past Piccolo and stops just after passing him)
IMPERFECT CELL: Is it hard to bear, Piccolo? My overwhelming power? Its weight? Its...girth?
PICCOLO: How... HOW MANY PEOPLE?!
IMPERFECT CELL: ...Enough.
(Imperfect Cell starts walking forward and stops a few feet in front of Android 17)
ANDROID 17: Look, I don't know what you're on about with this family nonsense, but if you're here because of Gero, I 86'd him myself. So why don't we cancel these family matters, shelve the photo album and-- (Imperfect Cell lunges at Android 17 with his tail, but the cyborg narrowly dodges) WHA--?!? (The Bio-Android grabs Android 17's arm and slams him to the ground, pinning his other arm with his foot and aiming his stinger at 17's chest) (surprised) ...Come again?
IMPERFECT CELL: If you insist! (begins laughing until Piccolo kicks him in the face, causing him to let go of Android 17. Imperfect Cell recovers, still chuckling, and wipes some spit and blood from his lip)
ANDROID 17: Okay, future bug-man, let's say I, uh, believe that now... Where do we go from here?
IMPERFECT CELL: Inside me.
ANDROID 17: (thinking Imperfect Cell is just being crazy) Stop it.
PICCOLO: He's also a walking, talking petri dish of the galaxy's strongest fighters!
IMPERFECT CELL: No need for flattery, Piccolo... You're already inside me.
PICCOLO: (equally disturbed) Stop it!
ANDROID 17: Scared to ask, but anything else?
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh, tell him about the part where I took an entire Battle Ball team at the same time!
ANDROID 18: Wait, is he kidding?
ANDROID 18: UGH.
ANDROID 17: That's fun, but it really doesn't answer the big question: Why is he here?
IMPERFECT CELL: You know, it's rude to talk about someone when they're right in front of you.
ANDROID 17: Okay, why are you here?
IMPERFECT CELL: Because, BITCH...I drink people.
ANDROID 17: ...Yeah, f**k that!
(Android 17 charges at Imperfect Cell but gets elbowed to the ground. Piccolo attempts to kick the evil cicada-like adversay, but the synthetic serpent catches his foot and punches him in the face, causing the Super Namekian to tumble across the ground while yelling incoherently)
ANDROID 16: ...You should leave.
ANDROID 18: What? Why?
ANDROID 16: Neither of them can stand up to this Cell. If he defeats them, you may not be safe.
ANDROID 18: I can't just run. I'm way too curious to see how this plays out.
ANDROID 16: I believe that is a poor decision.
ANDROID 18: Maybe. But it's mine to make.
(shows Piccolo landing on his face)
KAMI: (I believe this is what the young people call "getting wrecked".)
NAIL: (Yeah, man. If you have any techniques left up your sleeve, now's the time.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Yeah, I think I got one...
NAIL: (Really? Since when?)
PICCOLO: (thinking) About now-ish... (puts his hands together and starts charging up a blast as Imperfect Cell starts walking up to him)
ANDROID 17: (realizes what Piccolo is about to do) Nope! (gets on his feet and starts running away)
PICCOLO: LIGHT GRENADE!
(Piccolo launches the blast at Imperfect Cell, which causes a massive explosion)
ANDROID 16: He never stood a chance.
ANDROID 18: See? And you were so afraid of the big bad bug.
ANDROID 16: That is not who I meant.
(shows Imperfect Cell laughing and emerging from the ocean, unharmed by Piccolo's attack and glowing with a gold Super Saiyan-like aura)
PICCOLO: (thinking) OH...
ANDROID 17: (thinking) ...SHIT.
(Imperfect Cell hovers forward and lands on the ground and starts walking up to Piccolo again)
NAIL: (Okay, last-ditch effort didn't work.)
KAMI: (Any last-LAST-ditch efforts?)
(Imperfect Cell is now standing face-to-face with Piccolo)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Just one... (yelling) NAIL GU--!
(Imperfect Cell punches Piccolo HARD in the face, breaking his neck and sending him flying to the ground. The imperfect being then picks the incapacitated Namekian up by the shirt)
IMPERFECT CELL: Any last words, my big green friend? (Piccolo gurgles as his head falls limply to one side) Well said. Good game. (blasts a hole through Piccolo's chest)
(on The Lookout, Gohan and Goku feel the blast)
GOKU: WHOA! That ain't good!
(On the battlefield, Imperfect Cell tosses Piccolo into the ocean)
KAMI: (Well... That's it, then, isn't it?)
NAIL: (Gentlemen, it's been a privilege fighting with you.) ("Nearer My God To Thee" plays as what's left of Piccolo sinks into the ocean)
(cut to The Lookout)
GOKU: You know, funny thing is... Either way, we still wouldn't have Dragon Balls--
GOHAN: (begins to run off The Lookout) MR. PICCOLO!
GOKU: Gohan, NO! (grabs Gohan from behind, who strains to get loose)
GOHAN: I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL F**KING KILL HIM!
GOKU: You can't! Cell is too strong for you!
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo would let me go!
GOKU: No, he wouldn't! And he's smarter than me!
GOHAN: I... (freezes, seeing Goku's point) Wow. O-okay, that's...actually a good point.
GOKU: And besides, the moment you leave, that door is going to open.
MR. POPO: He's right, you know.
GOKU: Every time.
(Back on the battlefield)
IMPERFECT CELL: Ah, Piccolo... He died as he lived.
ANDROID 18: Drowning?
IMPERFECT CELL: Alone.
ANDROID 16: That is sad...
IMPERFECT CELL: Yes. Such isolation. I know his pain. So, my siblings... Why don't you come with me, and you'll be in a world of truly pure perfection...
ANDROID 18: STOP IT!
ANDROID 16: 17! We need to go!
ANDROID 17: No. I'm gonna play this one out.
ANDROID 16: I believe that is a poor decision!
ANDROID 17: Probably. But it's mine to make. (charges at Imperfect Cell, but get punched in the stomach and elbowed to the ground)
IMPERFECT CELL: You know, he wasn't wrong. (picks up Android 17 and enlarges his tail)
ANDROID 17: (looks up as the monster's enlarged tail starts lowering down on him) This is...the grossest thing!
IMPERFECT CELL: Aw, come now, don't be so scared. Once you're a part of me, you'll be reunited with our sister in... I don't know, give me 5 minutes--10 tops. And once I have achieved my perfection... (Android 17 grabs the tail and strains to keep it off of him) ...I'll take my time killing every person on this planet. Even the mighty Goku. (starts laughing until a hand touches his shoulder: 16's hand)
ANDROID 16: Would you care to repeat that, you son of a bitch?! (punches Imperfect Cell in the face, causing him to drop Android 17)
IMPERFECT CELL: (wipes some spit from his lip) Got another one in ya?
ANDROID 16: Stop. It.
ANDROID 17: Damn, 16... where the hell did that come from? And what took you so long?
ANDROID 16: I was waiting to see how things played out.
ANDROID 17: Wait, was that sarcasm?
ANDROID 16: I am not programmed for sarcasm.
ANDROID 17: I'm proud of you.
ANDROID 16: Now if you'll excuse me, I will eliminate Cell.
ANDROID 17: I thought you were only programmed to kill Goku.
ANDROID 16: This Cell is comprised of 10.78 percent of Son Goku's DNA. These parameters...are acceptable. (charges at Imperfect Cell)
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh, okay, I guess we're doing THIS now! (He and Android 16 bash heads with each other before he punches 16 in the face and sticks his tail into his neck. He chuckles) Oh, an admirable attempt by the red-headed stepchild! But don't feel too disappointed. For now, you shall be a part of me...! (tries to absorbs him, but it doesn't work) (?) ...Of me...! (tries to suck him again, but still gets nothing) Ah...! OF MEEEEEEE...! (tries to drink him AGAIN, but still nothing happens) GOD, GUY! WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF, PURE METAL?!
ANDROID 16: (grins and removes Cell's tail from his neck) Affirmative. I am Android 16.
IMPERFECT CELL: Oh... Errors have been made. (Android 16 leaps in the air while holding Imperfect Cell's tail and throws him to the ground. He them stomps on his tail and starts tugging on it.) N-n-now, I know what you're thinking, "Should I rip off his tail?" And the answer might surprise-- (Android 16 completely rips off his tail) (screams like a girl) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-HA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAH...!
ANDROID 17: (astounded, though disturbed) ...I was not ready for today.
ANDROID 18: (also both astounded and disturbed) I don't think any of us were.
IMPERFECT CELL: (starts getting back up on his feet, breathing heavily) Do you know... how long it's gonna take to regrow my tail?
ANDROID 16: ...Pardon m--?
IMPERFECT CELL: Boop. (grows a new tail) Thanks to Uncle Piccolo's cells, an ultimately fruitless effort. But if it's any consolation, that hurt like hell.
ANDROID 16: My mistake was starting at the wrong end. My next attempt will be on your head.
IMPERFECT CELL: (chuckles) And your second mistake is assuming I'll give you another chance.
(Imperfect Cell powers up and charges at Android 16, punching him in the face and sliding across the ground. The Bio-Android then starts charging at Android 16 while he's still down.)
ANDROID 16: (quickly gets up and aims his fist at Imperfect Cell) Rocket Punch! (his fist flies off directly at the bestial foe)
IMPERFECT CELL: WHAT?!? (16's fist hits him in the face) Blehhhhhhhh...!!!
ANDROID 18: (thinking) Wow... really?
ANDROID 17: (thinking) THAT IS SO COOL!
(Android 16 reattaches his hand and punches Imperfect Cell to the ground, then he picks the synthetic serpent up and throws him into the ground, creating a crater)
IMPERFECT CELL: (from inside the crater, sounding extremely agitated) Ahhhh...!! WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!? WHERE THE F**K AM I?!! (Android 16 detaches both of his hands and begins to charge a Hell's Flash) Wait, what's that noise? Hold on... Now I see a light...
ANDROID 16: Walk towards it! (fires his Hell's Flash cannons into the crater)
IMPERFECT CELL: WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...?!?
(shows an outside shot of the island, now filled with craters with smoke coming out)
ANDROID 18: Oh, my God... He actually did it.
ANDROID 16: Why are you still here?
ANDROID 17: Oh, come on, we can't just leave you here! We're the Three Amigos!
ANDROID 16: You do not understand. I do not know if I am entirely capable of eliminating this Cell. And should he absorb the two of you, he will wreak havoc upon this world.
ANDROID 17: Well, yeah, but, we were gonna do that, too.
ANDROID 16: Yes, but I like you.
ANDROID 18: (blushing) Aww...
ANDROID 16: Over the last few days, I have come to feel a great adoration for this planet. From its trees...to its birds...to its people...to its birds. I do not wish to cause any more destruction.
ANDROID 18: Actually, 16... (smiles, a sign of turning over a new leaf) I think you've got the right idea.
ANDROID 17: (equally moved by Android 16's words) Yeah, you know what? Screw that noise, man! Forget destroying everything, forget killing people, and you know what? (spits) Forget killing Son Goku!
ANDROID 16: (not wanting to abandon the notion of fulfilling his primary programming) Let's not get crazy!
(Imperfect Cell suddenly rises out of a hole behind Android 17)
IMPERFECT CELL: TOO LATE!!!
ANDROID 17: Huh...?
(Android 17 turns around as Imperfect Cell descends his tail down on him and catches him)
ANDROID 17: (muffled as he is getting absorbed) Oh, God, this is totally disgusting! This isn't how this is supposed to work! (begins to be pushed into Imperfect Cell's tail) I'm not supposed to die like this! I'm too cool! Someone pull off the tail! I'm too cool for this! I'M TOO COOL--! (gets swallowed up completely)
(Imperfect Cell starts glowing and begins to transform. In a flash of light he morphs dramatically and transforms into Semi-Perfect Cell. The now semi-perfect being smiles in satisfaction in the wake of his brand new transformation. As Android 18 stands completely still, horrified at 17's seeming "death", Semi-Perfect Cell, his body crackling with electricity, sets his sights on her...)
(shows Imperfect Cell "evolving" into Semi-Perfect Cell in a Pokémon-style evolution sequence)