FREEZA: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
NARRATOR: Last time, on DragonBall Z Abridged...
KRILLIN: WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAA-- (explodes to smithereens as Goku and Gohan watch his remains fall from the sky)
FREEZA: Oh, out of all the people I've blown to bits, that one will hold a special place in my heart.
(Goku is seen shaking in anger)
FREEZA: Oh what's wrong, monkey? Come on now, give me something funny.
GOKU: (enraged) You... killed my best friend! (continues trembling in anger)
FREEZA: Ha! That is pretty funny. Hilarious, actually.
(thunder and lightning starts striking around Namek as Goku's hair briefly turns gold and his eyes briefly turn green)
GOKU: RRAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!! (transforms into a Super Saiyan for the first time)
(Goku, now a Super Saiyan, turns around and sets his sights on Freeza)
FREEZA: (stunned by Goku's transformation) That's... that's not funny.
(cut to King Kai's planet)
KING KAI: I don't believe it! Goku has truly done it! He has become the one and only Super Saiyan! (small pause) Right?
NARRATOR: (hesitantly) Ye-Yeah...
KING KAI: You hesitated there for a second. (small pause) What?
(cut to Namek where Super Saiyan Goku is angrily glaring at Freeza)
FREEZA: What the hell is all this about? What's up with your hair? What's up with your eyes? Answer me!
GOKU: Gohan, take Piccolo, find Bulma, get back to the ship.
GOHAN: But what about you?
GOKU: If Piccolo dies, then all this was pointless! Take him, get to the ship, and get out of here!
GOHAN: This is surprisingly well thought-out for you.
GOKU: Gohan, where should you be right now?
GOHAN: The ship?
GOKU: THE SHIP!
GOHAN: Okay! (takes Piccolo and flies away)
FREEZA: Oh, real cute. But at the very least, I do love a moving target. (starts aiming at Gohan in the sky)
(Goku quickly appears in front of Freeza and grabs his hand)
FREEZA: (struggling to break free of Goku's grasp) Gah! What are you--? Let go of me!
GOKU: I'm going to break you.
FREEZA: (meekly) What? (Goku crushes his hand) Agh!
GOKU: Like a Kit-Kat bar.
FREEZA: (small pause) ...What???
(Goku punches Freeza in the face, sending him flying across the sky)
FREEZA: (thinking) What?!?
(Goku grabs Freeza and breaks his back)
FREEZA: Aaaaaaah! (recovers and starts firing a barrage of Death Beams at Goku) Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
(Goku easily dodges all the shots, with the last one destroying a small island)
FREEZA: You... you're different. What happened? What the hell are you?
GOKU: Can't you tell, Freezer? It's just like Vegeta said.
FREEZA: No, you f**king don't!
GOKU: I am the hope of the omniverse! I am the light bulb in the darkness! I am the bacon in the fridge for all the living things that cry out in hunger! I am the Alpha and the Amiga! I am the terror that flaps in the night! (starts powering up) I am Son Gokū! and I am a Super...
(Freeza shoots Goku in the face with a Death Beam and growls)
GOKU: (leans forward unharmed) ...Saiyan. (Freeza growls angrily)
(cut to King Kai's planet with King Kai is stammering in utter surprise)
YAMCHA: King Kai, what's going on on Namek right now?
KING KAI: You know, you could always just grab my shoulder and watch.
YAMCHA: Yeah, but, you kinda... smell?
KING KAI: That's my natural musk. Musk... Musk...
TIEN: Stop saying "musk".
KING KAI: Stop eating my food.
KAMI: (telepathically) King Kai, do you hear me?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Oh. Hey, Kami. How's everything going along?
KAMI: (telepathically) Well, I sent off Mr. Popo to collect the DragonBalls like you asked.
KING KAI: Good. The whole plan is coming together.
YAMCHA: I don't think you ever told us your plan.
KING KAI: I don't have to tell you everything! I don't have to tell you anything!
TIEN: And that just about sums up our time spent here.
KING KAI: Ha-ha.
(cut back to Namek with Gohan carrying Piccolo through the sky)
GOHAN: (notices Goku's ship) Huh? It's the ship! (takes Piccolo inside the ship) See Mr. Piccolo, we're halfway home. I mean, not literally but... just don't bleed out, okay? (thinking while noticing the ship's controls) God, so many buttons... I forgot, I don't know how to fly the ship. I could have sworn somebody did that for... (out loud) Oh, my God, Bulma!
(cut to Bulma hanging on a cliff)
BULMA: Help...! Somebody...?
(cut to Goku and Freeza)
FREEZA: I have to admit, this is new, monkey, this is definitely new. But a monkey is still a monkey; and I've killed plenty in my day. Millions, literally millions. What's the matter, run out of quips? Cat got your tongue? No more words to fail? You think now that you're this so-called "Super Saiyan" that you're better than me, Lord Freeza?! Well, you're not! I own you! I own your planet! I own this planet! In fact... (charges up a large orange energy sphere) F**K THIS PLANET!!! (throws energy blast directly at Namek)
GOKU: Wait, I was zoned out there for a second, what?
(Freeza's blast hits Namek's core, emitting a humongous explosion that seemingly destroyed Namek)
(cut to King Kai's planet)
KING KAI: No... No, no! Son of a bitch! Gah!
YAMCHA: What's wrong, King Kai?
KING KAI: You dumb assholes are gonna be here forever.
TIEN: (scoffs) Yeah, real funny, King Kai. (King Kai remains silent) Oh, God, you're serious.
KING KAI: I had this whole plan ready to go, but as it turns out, Freeza's a sore loser and just...
CHIAOTZU: Blew himself up along with his opponent? (Tien and Yamcha are seen giving blank stares) What? It's what I do.
KING KAI: Yeah, only this time it worked. And now Goku, Gohan, Piccolo, everyone's dead! And I'm stuck with you idiots for the rest of my life!
KAMI: (telepathically) Should I call you back when you're done screaming, or is that just not happening?
KING KAI: And then there's this cu... (telepathically) Kami?
KAMI: (telepathically) Yes, I wanted to inform you that Mr. Popo has acquired the sixth DragonBall and...
KING KAI: (telepathically) You're alive?
KAMI: (telepathically) So this is what counts for omnipotence these days, hmm?
KING KAI: But if you're not dead, then that means Piccolo's not dead, and Namek is still there.
(shows an outside shot of Namek, which is still there but is now detonating due to its core being destroyed)
GOKU: Did... did ya miss?
FREEZA: How could I miss?
GOKU: I dunno, how did ya?
FREEZA: I know I hit the core... God, this always happens when I try and perform under stress.
GOKU: Seems to me like you just couldn't go through with blowing us both up.
FREEZA: That's not the problem, you idiot. I can breathe in space.
GOKU: (gasps) But space is a vacuum!
FREEZA: Honestly, I'd say you only have... I don't know, five min... is it five? Ye-yes five-- five minutes before this planet explodes, and you perish along with it.
GOKU: Oh. Well then, I'll just have to kill you in four.
FREEZA: Wait, hold on! I'm only at half my full power.
GOKU: I don't see how that's my problem.
FREEZA: No listen! If you let me power up... I'll give you a pizza.
GOKU: You killed my best friend, Freezer. That's not gonna work anymore!
FREEZA: Two pizzas!
GOKU: I said I'm done! (starts charging at Freeza) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!
FREEZA: With stuffed crust.
(Goku immediately stops on a dime)
KING KAI: (telepathically, sounding both insistent and scolding) Gokuuuu...
GOKU: (telepathically) Now hear me out, King Kai. (Freeza starts powering up) If I let him power up to 100% and beat him then, it'll demoramalize him. And he'll never threaten anyone again.
KING KAI: Goku, that is retarded!
GOKU: Stuffed crust, King Kai! You can eat it in reverse. (inside Goku's eye is an actual stuffed crust pizza being ripped apart)
KING KAI: I-I can't even believe we’re having this conversation.
GOKU: (telepathically) Me either.
FREEZA: (now at 100% full power) Thanks for waiting, by the way.
GOKU: (telepathically) Hold on a second, King Kai. (out loud to Freeza) What was tha--?
(Freeza punches Goku in the stomach)
FREEZA: SMASH MONKEY! (starts pummeling Goku) SMASH MONKEY!!
(cut to Gohan flying in the sky, searching for Bulma)
GOHAN: Bulma, where are you?
(Bulma is heard making Taz snarling noises, which catches Gohan's attention and spots her on top of a cliff. Cut to Gohan flying Bulma back to the ship.)
BULMA: Oh, well how nice of you to finally come and get me... only you left me stranded on my own to fend for myself! Planet's going to hell, I almost die, and I'M FREAKING THE F**K OUT!!!
GOHAN: (while giving an annoyed look at Bulma) Bulma, how high would you have to fall from to hit terminal velocity? (Bulma glares at Gohan and gives no reply) I thought so.
(cut to Freeza kneeing Goku in the stomach)
FREEZA: I just love how easy it is to get away with this shit with you people. I want to transform, you just sit there and let me. I want to blow the planet up, you just sit there and let me. I want reach 100% power, and you just sit right there and let me!
GOKU: (not really fazed by Freeza's assult) So, can I get a Meat Lover's? (Freeza knees him in the face) UNGH!
(cut to King Kai's planet)
KING KAI: And that is my star pupil. I don’t even know why I bother...
KAMI: (telepathically) King Kai, are you there?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Oh Kami, do you have an update for me?
KAMI: (telepathically) Apparently, it's all I'm good for anymore. I wanted to tell you that Mr. Popo has acquired the final DragonBall and is ready to summon the dragon.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Awesome, now let me talk to him.
KAMI: (telepathically) Heh, if you insist.
KING KAI: Alright, now Mr. Popo-- (antennae explodes, knocking him down) Gah! (telepathically to Kami) How the hell do you work with this guy?!
KAMI: (telepathically) It's easier than you think.
(cut to Mr. Popo on Earth with all seven DragonBalls)
MR. POPO: I'm so f***ing high right now! (summons Shenron, the eternal dragon)
SHENRON: I am the Eternal Dragon. Speak your wish and I shall... (notices Mr. Popo) Oh, it is you, my master. Is it time to lay waste to this world?
MR. POPO: Eh, not yet. Give 'em a couple hundred years, see if they can clean this up.
SHENRON: Then how might I be of service, Lord Popo?
MR. POPO: Good question. Kami, The f**k am I doing?
KAMI: (telepathically) Good question. King Kai, the f**k is he doing?
KING KAI: (gets helped up by Tien) Ah, my head. (telepathically) Okay, listen, I want you to bring back everyone Freeza and his men have killed.
KAMI: (telepathically) Why?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Are you questioning God?
KAMI: (telepathically) Are you?
KING KAI: (telepathically) Not in the mood, Kami!
KAMI: (telepathically) Fine! Not my problem anyway. Mr. Popo--
MR. POPO: I heard. Dragon, bring back all the worthless maggots that were killed by Freeza and his men, oh, whatever.
SHENRON: As you command, so it shall be. (eyes start glowing)