FREEZA: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to Porunga emerging from the water, now back to life, before shifting to Guru's house)
GURU: (wakes up) Aaaah! Oh. Oh... right. I stopped my heart for a couple minutes there. (notices the destruction of Namek) Oh, God, global warming? Naaaaaaiiillll!!!
(cut to a Namekian village where all of Namekians are waking up, being brought back to life by Shenron)
MOURI: Ah, why is my neck so stiff?
(cut to Vegeta's grave)
VEGETA: (makes muffled noises as he emerge from his grave) When there's no more room in hell, VEGETA SHALL WALK THE... (turns around notices the destruction of Namek) ...other hell, what the hell? (thinking) Well, I have my clothes back-- so at least that's a start. Am I alive? (punches himself in the ribs) Argh! Augh! (falls on the ground) Yay! I'm alive! (coughs blood at the ground)
(cut to Dende)
DENDE: (wakes up and gets on his feet) I’m alive? I'm alive! And... (notices Porunga in the distance) And I have an idea.
(cut to Freeza ramming straight into Goku and burying him in a hole hundreds of feet underground before jumping out of the hole, which explodes with lava)
FREEZA: Well, now you’re Super Saiyan soup, high in vitamin dumbass! (laughs and looks up at the sky) Huh? Oh, God, what's up with the sky? This planet really is about to blow. I give it like... two minutes tops. I better get to my ship and-- (gets kneed in the face by Goku) Stop that! Stop not dying! You think you're better than me? You're nothing but an overgrown monkey!
GOKU: And you're nothing but an overgrown that thing Chi-Chi keeps in her drawer! (thinking) Man, Freezer's stronger than ever at a hundred percent. I’ll have to stratergize. I know, a distraction! (out loud to Freeza) Hey look, Freezer! A giant dragon! (referring to Porunga)
FREEZA: What? (looks and sees Porunga) Well, I'll be damned! Immortality is mine! (Flies off)
GOKU: (thinking) Oh, I am become error. (flies after Freeza)
(Goku manages to catch up to Freeza and once again engages him in battle)
FREEZA: Will you just piss off already!?
GOKU: I don't have to use the bathroom!
(cut to Vegeta flying in the sky)
VEGETA: (thinking) All right, I know one of the Ginyu's ships must be around here somewhe-- (sees Goku and Frieza battling it out) Yeah, I think I'ma stay away from that one. (sees Porunga) That, however. Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine...
(cut to Freeza dodging Goku's attacks and proceeds to kick him in the *ahem* "DragonBalls")
GOKU: Ah, my Gotens!
FREEZA: Filthy wish dragon, grant me immortality as so I may rid myself these vile creatures, and secure myself as ruler of all creation!
PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) Your wish has been granted.
(Namekians start disappearing)
FREEZA: What? No! This isn't what I wished for! What's going on?!
DENDE: (off-screen) Down here!
(Freeza looks down and sees, Dende, who's beaming proudly)
FREEZA: You! No... No, you didn't!
DENDE: So what if I did? What are you gonna do about it, huh? Come at me, bro!
FREEZA: Hyah! (fires a blast at Dende, but the latter poofs away before it hits)
VEGETA: Hey Freeza! Hope you’re ready to party, because it's Vegeta clo--
(Vegeta disappears before he can attack Freeza. It then shows Guru, Piccolo, Bulma, and Gohan, disappearing before Porunga rises in the sky and vanishes in the sky.)
FREEZA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOO... (all seven DragonBalls rise in the sky and get separated) What just happened? Where did they all go?
GOKU: Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually just as lost as you.
(cut to Earth)
BULMA: (thinking) Huh? Are we...? (out loud) Huh?
(Gohan appears on a tree)
BULMA: Gohan! What do you think happened?
GOHAN: I don't know. We just disappeared all of a sudden.
DENDE: (thinking) Ahhh, it's good to be the king.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Hello? Who am I speaking to right now?
DENDE: (telepathically) My name is Dende.
KING KAI: (telepathically) Dende? Are you the one who made the wish on the dragon?
DENDE: (telepathically) I am.
KING KAI: (telepathically) How the hell did you know my plan?
DENDE: (telepathically) What plan? I just wanted to screw over Freeza.
(cut back to Namek)
GOKU: You know, if it makes you feel any better, I'm not immortal, either. And I'm okay with that.
(Freeza looks at Goku and starts growling in anger)
GOKU: Are you just mad cause I'ma outlive you now?
FREEZA: Grrr! (punches Goku into the ground) Aaaaaahhh! (starts charging up a 100% Death Ball) Bigger! (Death Ball grows bigger) Bigger! (Death Ball grows more bigger) BIGGER! (Death Ball grows even more bigger) (thinking) Perfect!
(Freeza throws the Death Ball at Goku. Goku manages to catch the Death Ball with both hands.)
GOKU: Yaaaah! (punches the Death Ball away from Namek, which blows up a nearby planet) Nice try! But you won't be destroying any more planets! (shows the floating rubble of the destroyed planet) Um... except, you know... that one... Hm.
(Freeza grabs Goku from behind with a bear hug, causing Goku to squeak)
GOKU: Ah! Bad touch! Kidney shot! (elbows Freeza in the ribs, causing the tyrant to whimper in abject pain) Kidney shot, kidney shot, kidney shot, and pause... stomach punch! (punches Freeza hard in the stomach, causing him to cough up blood and fall to the ground)
FREEZA: (weakly) Gonna wiz red...
(cut to Earth where Dende heals Piccolo)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Wha...? (out loud) Wha...?
DENDE: Welcome back, Nail.
PICCOLO: Where... am I?
DENDE: May I hug you?
DENDE: (looks down sadly) Oh.
PICCOLO: (gets on his feet and looks around) Gohan!
GOHAN: (runs up to Piccolo and Dende) Mr. Piccolo! And Dende? But, I thought that--
DENDE: Turns out we're all alive! (sniggers) Except Krillin. How unfortunate.
GURU: Naaaail. Naaaaaaail! Naaaaaaaiiill!
PICCOLO: (thinking) I think he's looking for you.
NAIL: (Do not tell him I'm here.)
GURU: Nail, I can sense you...
NAIL: (Do not make eye contact!)
GOHAN: You know, looking around, it seems like the only people who were brought back were those killed by Freeza and his men.
PICCOLO: Huh. That's convenient.
(a Namekian is seen walking up to Mouri)
NAMEKIAN 1: Sir, we cannot find the Tagrok tribe.
NAMEKIAN 2: Wait, you mean that one guy who really liked showing off his DragonBall?
NAMEKIAN 1: Yeah, that dumbass.
VEGETA: (appears in front of the Namekians) Oh, I wonder what sort of handsome, dashing rogue could have been responsible for their deaths. Oh wait, it was me.
GURU: Ha! Nice.
NAMEKIAN 3: He massacred an entire village!
GURU: Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you... I don't really like any of you. Except him. (refers to a Namekian child)
(the Namekian DragonBalls, now turned to stone, all land on Earth, with one of them crushing the one Namekian child Guru liked)
GURU: (starts laughing but suddenly gags) Oh, God, I'm actually dying this time...
NAMEKIAN 4: Lord Guru! You can't leave us!
GURU: I’m sorry, my children, but I must leave you now. My time is at an end. But before I leave, I must confess my sins.
NAMEKIAN 4: What do you mean?
GURU: Do you remember the great drought that befell our planet?
MOURI: The one that nearly wiped out our race?
NAMEKIAN 5: The one caused by those filthy albinos?
NAMEKIAN 3: The ones we purged as per your instruction?
GURU: YEAH... See, I might have shifted the blame on that one.
MOURI: You what?
GURU: Remember when I said they were the ones responsible for the disappearance of our precious water?
NAMEKIAN 4: We slaughtered thousands!
GURU: It was me.
NAMEKIAN 5: How?
GURU: I drank it.
NAMEKIAN 3: Wha...?
GURU: How do you think I got so fat? (shows Mouri and a group of Namekians staring at Guru in stunned silence) And now, I can die with a clear conscience. (groans but does not die) Uh... (groans again, but is still alive) Uh-oh.
MOURI: Kill him!
GURU: NO! NAAAAAAAAAAAIL! (the mob of angry Namekians bring Guru to the ground and brutally murder him off-screen)
(the camera shows Gohan, Bulma, Piccolo, and Vegeta's shocked expressions while this going on, with Vegeta even doing a jaw drop in utter suprise)
GURU: (while getting slaughtered) Choke on them! Choke on them...!
(Cut back to Namek where Goku and Freeza continue their fight inside a Namekian house. Goku punches Freeza out of the house, knocked him down to the ground.)
FREEZA: (thinking) Rrrrgh! Dirty monkey--! (turns around but Goku is already gone) Huh? Where--? (turns and looks directly at Goku's abs) Oh, my God, you could grind meat on it-- (realizes it's Goku) AAH! (steps back)
GOKU: I'm done.
GOKU: I'm done fighting you... I'm bored... You're boring me.
FREEZA: Wha--? Oh, I get it. You're scared, aren't you? Afraid knowing that this planet only has one minute left before it explodes.
GOKU: Do you have a watch?
FREEZA: No, why?
GOKU: Do you know what a minute is?
FREEZA: What? Of course I do!
GOKU: I don't think you do.
FREEZA: Uh, but, uh--
GOKU: Anyway, I'ma leave now. (powers down to his base form) Try not to blow up any more planets. Else I'ma hafta kill ya. (flies off)
FREEZA: You can't just... We're not... You little...! (growls and charges up a Death Saucer) Hey monkey, you forgot your pizza!
GOKU: Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me-- (almost gets cut by the Death Saucer) That's not a pizza...! THAT'S NOT A PIZZA AT ALL! (transforms back into his Super Saiyan form)
FREEZA: Now, to end this! (tries to guide the Death Saucer at Goku but misses) I... uh, huh? Oh, come on now, I... Ugh, this blasted thing! (starts to have trouble controlling the Death Saucer)
GOKU: What are you doing down there? You trying to swat a bee? 'Cause I don't like bees.
FREEZA: (still struggling to control the Death Saucer) No, don't worry, I'm just... Oh, what is going on? What are these, inverted controls? Who even uses-- (gains control of the Death Saucer) AH! GOT IT! (Goku avoids the Death Saucer, disappearing in an Afterimage) DAMN IT!
GOKU: So, are you just stealing Krillin's attacks now? (is shown getting chased by the Death Saucer) Or should I watch out for the Tri-Beam? Or the Garlic Gun? Or the Makakapotamus?
FREEZA: HYAH! (hits Goku with the Death Saucer) Gotcha, bitch! (Goku is seen vanishing) Huh? (Goku completely vanishes) URRRGH!
GOKU: Don't feel bad, Krillin never hits anyone with it, either. Anyway, you done?
FREEZA: Oh, far from it. (charges up another Death Saucer) I just remembered, I promised you TWO pizzas!
(Goku flies away, being chased by two Death Saucers, and then flies right through them and towards Freeza)
FREEZA: Really? You seriously think that that pathetic million-year-old trick is going to... (Goku fires an energy blast directly in front of Freeza's feet, covering the area in smoke) (thinking) Clever dick! (avoids the Death Saucers by jumping into the sky) Where'd that flying monkey go?
GOKU: HYAH! (kicks Freeza in the stomach)
GOKU: Now say you're sorry! (Repeatedly slaps Freeza in the face. The camera even plays in slow motion in front of Freeza's face to show his reaction in each hit.) Are you sorry yet?!
FREEZA: (thinking) I think I peed a little...
GOKU: YAAAH! (spikes Freeza to the ground, who forms a small hole upon landing)
FREEZA: I am DONE. (jumps out of the hole)
GOKU: Freezer, look out behind you!
FREEZA: I already told you, that trick won't work! (one Death Saucer is seen approaching Freeza)
GOKU: No, serious, get down!
FREEZA: Oh, ha-ha! Keep going, you STUPID INBRED MONKEY--! (gets split in half by his own Death Saucers, losing his left arm and the lower half of his body, along with most of his tail) (meekly) Daddy, I don't want to be on Namek anymore... (body parts fall to the ground)