FREEZA: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(Cut to Namek where Freeza's severed body falls to the ground. Cut to King Kai's planet.)
KING KAI: Oh, my God...!
TIEN: You know, you keep reacting, trying to prompt us to ask what's going on. You could just tell us.
KING KAI: All right, fine. Freeza got cut in half.
TIEN: Wow, I didn't think Goku had it in him.
KING KAI: He doesn't. Freeza did it to himself.
(cut back to Namek)
FREEZA: Aaaah! My organs! Stay in there--stay in your home--daddy needs you!
GOKU: Wow Freezer, you really were a cut above the rest. (Freeza groans) But too bad you didn't make the cut. (Freeza groans harder) Guess you could call this a slice of life.
FREEZA: Please stop!
GOKU: All right then, I'll cut you a break. I’m gonna split. (turns around and starts to walk away)
FREEZA: Wait! Wait! Wait! I... I know I've done a lot of terrible things, killed quite a number of people, some of which you liked, but may I ask you as one neighbor to another, can you spare a cup of energy?
KING KAI: (telepathically) NO! NO! NO! (spoken from his planet) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
TIEN: I'm not even asking anymore.
GOKU: Yaaah! (gives Freeza some of his energy) Now be responsible with this energy--don't use to hurt anymore people, or on the drugs.
FREEZA: (wakes up) What, but why?
GOKU: I'm gonna go now, got a long trip home. I'd ask if I could take one of your legs with me, but you're probably hungry too. Bye! (flies away)
FREEZA: Huh? (thinking) He's... really just leaving me here. He gave me his energy and left me. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I should change. Maybe this is my second and last chance. Maybe... I was wrong. (out loud) NAH! (clenches his fist and fires one last energy wave, the "I'm The One Who Will Kill You!" Energy Wave, at Goku)
GOKU: God dang it, Freezer, now I have to give you more! (fires an Angry Kamehameha, which overpowers Freeza's attack)
FREEZA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no--! (gets hit by Goku's Angry Kamehameha) YAAAAAAAAAAAAH...!
(the blast explodes, leaving an enormous crater in the water with Freeza nowhere to be seen)
GOKU: (thinking) Huh. Don't see him anymore. Guess he took the energy and left. Speaking of which, where am I going?
(cut to King Kai's planet)
KING KAI: Ooh! Aaah! Huah! Aaah!
TIEN: Don't you dare.
KING KAI: Huah! (...) Okay, you win! Goku blew Freeza up.
TIEN: See, was that so hard?
KING KAI: Well, not as hard as it's gonna be to get off Namek.
(cut back to Namek where Goku is trying to find his ship)
GOKU: (thinking) Where am I? Where's my ship? Everything looked the same before, now it looks all the same but on fire! (notices Freeza's ship) Ah, a ship! (lands inside Freeza's ship and starts running) All right, gotta find it!
KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku, hurry!
(Goku is seen running inside Freeza's ship. Cut to Earth where Gohan is looking up in the sky, worried about his father. Cut back to inside Freeza's ship where Goku destroys a door and reaches the control room.)
GOKU: The controls! Where is it, where is it? (lava erupts nearby Freeza's ship)
KING KAI: It's about to blow!
GOKU: (thinking) Come on, come on! (finds a button) There! (presses the button, and out comes... a muffin) Yes! (keeps pressing button and more muffins pop up)
KING KAI: (lowers his head in total disbelief) Oh, my God...
GOKU: (continues pressing the button, spawning more muffins) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY...! (Namek explodes, vanishing completely from the face of the galaxy)
(cut to King Kai's planet)
KING KAI: It's... it's over.
KING KAI: Goku could not escape the explosion. Namek is gone, and so is he.
YAMCHA: No... Goku, no...! NOOOOO! (drops to his knees and starts sobbing)
TIEN: Why do you care?
YAMCHA: Ah, what?
TIEN: Why do any of you care? Are you forgetting the whole reason that they went to Namek in the first place? Now we have two sets of DragonBalls.
YAMCHA: Well, yeah, but you make it sound like death has no consequence.
TIEN: It really doesn't. We're literally waiting to go back. Hell, this is Chiaotzu's second time.
CHIAOTZU: Next time I get a free sundae!
KING KAI: Huh.
KING KAI: So, who wants to tell Bulma?
YAMCHA: Let me do it. Bulma's my girl.
KING KAI: Heh! Yeah, okay. Go ahead, stud.
(cut to Earth where Mouri is seen with purple blood on his face)
MOURI: And now that I have devoured Guru, I have become the new grand elder!
BULMA: Huh, seems legit.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Hey, Bulma! It's me, Yamcha.
BULMA: Oh, hey, hold on a moment, my ex is calling me.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Hey, girl. It's good to... Wait, ex? What's that about?
BULMA: Yeah, I'm breaking up with you.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Wha--? But why?
BULMA: You haven't called me in months.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) I have been dead!
BULMA: Oh, well, that’s not stopping you now is it?
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Do not do this right now!
BULMA: Hey, you wanna know how this is ending? (to Vegeta) Hey, Vegeta. Wanna come live with me?
VEGETA: Only if it's got a pool.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) He's the reason I'm dead!
BULMA: Well then, I guess he's just more of a man then you, isn't he?
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Oh, you dirty BITCH!
KING KAI: Yeah, okay, I'm gonna take over-- this isn't going anywhere.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Now you listen here...
KING KAI: (telepathically) Tenshinhan. (a snapping sound is heard)
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Aaah! My good leg!
KING KAI: (telepathically) Okay listen, Gohan's fatherless and the Namekians are homeless so... that's a thing. Have fun delivering the message, now I gotta go cast up Yamcha's leg.
YAMCHA: (telepathically) Why!? (a hanging up sound is heard)
BULMA: Huh. Well, uh, Gohan, Goku's dead.
GOHAN: Damn it!
BULMA: Namekians, your planet blew up.
NAMEKIANS: (in unison) Damn it!
BULMA: So, until we can use the DragonBalls, who wants a big ol' sleepover?
MOURI: You think you can accommodate the entirety of my people?
BULMA: My dad's a billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist.
(a ship is shown flying over to their are, with '"Back in Black" by ACDC 'playing inside)
BULMA: Speak of the devil. (the ship lands on the ground)
GOHAN: Wait, I feel a dark presence in the ship. (the hatch opens with Chi-Chi running out of the ship and stopping in front of a group of Namekians)
CHI-CHI: (in a demonic voice) WHERE'S MY BABY?!
(cut to the ship taking everyone to the Capsule Corporation in West City)
NARRATOR: And so, the Namekians were relocated to the Briefs' compound.
DR. BRIEFS: (referring to the group of Namekians) So honey, you say all of these are your friends from high school?
BULMA: Yes, Dad.
DR. BRIEFS: Tell them to keep out of my scotch!
(cut to the Mouri playing golf)
NARRATOR: The Namekian adults learned golf.
GOLF ANNOUNCER: (silently) Tricky bit of putting here. Very difficult read from this angle and the greens have been running rather fast today. Mouri looks like he's aiming slightly to the right of the hole and... (Mouri makes the shot) good for par.
(cut to Dende and two Namekian children playing cards)
NARRATOR: The Namekian children learned strip poker.
DENDE: All right, sprouts, lay 'em on the table.
(cut to Gohan studying at his house)
NARRATOR: Gohan caught up with all his studies.
CHI-CHI: You read it, your learn it, you love it!
GOHAN: But Mom, I've already read Huck Finn.
CHI-CHI: (holds up an "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" book) Yes, but this one had the n-word taken out!
(cut to Piccolo mediating)
NARRATOR: Piccolo... did his usual thing; only with company.
NAIL: (So, uh, you wanna go hang out with our race?)
PICCOLO: (thinking) No...
NAIL: ('Cause, you know, this maybe the last chance we'll ever get.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) No.
NAIL: (Well, you're boring.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) And you're ruining my meditation.
NAIL: (You're not meditating, you're napping--I know the difference!)
(cut to Vegeta standing next to a Capsule Cororation spaceship)
NARRATOR: Vegeta did what he does best...
VEGETA: Sayonara, bitches! (steals spaceship and launches into space)
DR. BRIEFS: Son of a bitch took my scotch!
BULMA: Call me!
NARRATOR: And soon four months--or one Namekian year--passed, and the Namekian DragonBalls became ready for use.
(cut to Dende, Bulma, Master Roshi, Piccolo, Dr. and Mrs. Briefs, Mouri, and the rest of the Namekians standing in front of the now functional Namekian DragonBalls)
DENDE: During our time squatting here on Earth, we taught the Dragon how to speak English.
BULMA: Oh, well, that's convenient.
DENDE: Rise Porunga!
BULMA: Wait a second, I just thought of something, maybe we shouldn't do this out in the middle of the... (sky turns dark and Porunga rises out of the DragonBalls)
WOMAN: (notices Porunga in the sky) Aaah! Godzirra!
(crowd starts frantically screaming "Godzirra")
POLICE OFFICER: (holding up a megaphone) Attention everybody. *clears throat* Godzirra, Godzirra. Godzirra, Godzirra, Godzirra. Godzirra, Godzirra.
(most of the crowd sighs in relief and continues to say "Godzirra" in mild interest and go back to their own business)
PORUNGA: You have summoned the great Porunga. Make your wish and I'll--
DENDE: Okay listen, I'm sure you get this a lot, but can we just get like six wishes? 'Cause we're just gonna bring you back again in four months and do this crap again. Plus, we're just bringing some schmucks back to life.
PORUNGA: Well, that is unconventional, but considering the ease of these wishes, I will accommodate.
DENDE: And a planet.
PORUNGA: Oh, that's just a dick move!
DENDE: All right, let's get the hard one out of the way. Dragon, build the Namekians a new Namek!
PORUNGA: (eyes glow red) Donezo.
DENDE: Sweet! All right, you guys do whatever you want.
BULMA: First, Tien and Chiaotzu!
(Porunga's eyes glow red and Tien and Chiaotzu get brought back to life)
CHIAOTZU: Oh, hey...! We're back! Kinda want that sundae, though.
CHIAOTZU: I'll wait.
BULMA: Next, (in disdain) Yamcha.
YAMCHA: (falls inside a pond) Aah! There's water in my cast! I'm gonna get gangrene! Aaaah!
DENDE: And I guess you want to wish back your dad now, huh?
GOHAN: Actually, we want to save him for last.
(brief pause between the two)
DENDE: Yeah, like I said, you want to wish your dad back, right?
GOHAN: Dende, we have to wish Krillin back.
DENDE: Ugh, fine. We wish back... Krillin.
KRILLIN: (gets brought back to life) WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH!
GOHAN: Krillin, you're alive!
KRILLIN: WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH!
GOHAN: Eh, just give him a minute. And now, last but not least, bring back my dad!
DENDE: Bring back his dad!
(Porunga's eyes start glowing but suddenly stops)
PORUNGA: I cannot do this.
GOHAN: (laughs but stops) What?
PORUNGA: The one called Goku is still alive.
GOHAN: Wh-What? He is?
BULMA: That's great! Then just wish him here.
GOHAN: Dragon, will my father here!
(Porunga's eyes start glowing but stops again)
PORUNGA: Uh, sorry. Can't do that either.
GOHAN: Okay, what?
PORUNGA: The one called Goku wishes not to return.
DENDE: He said your father wishes not to return.
GOHAN: I heard what he said. I want an explanation!
PORUNGA: Well, I'm sorry. Wishing all your other friends back to life and building a planet has left me a little worn out! He doesn't want to come back, end of story. Now, if you have another wish for me, I can try that. Otherwise, bite me!
DENDE: Gohan, I... I know it must be hard, but maybe your dad is off somewhere else, doing something really important. I just want you to know that... that I’m here for you and... and that... I... I love you.
GOHAN: (completely stunned) Wha--? What?
DENDE: Wha... What did I--? Did-did I say it too soon? (starts freaking out) Oh, God, I said it too soon! Oh, God, I f**ked it up! Dragon, take everyone from old Namek and put them on new Namek!
(All the Namekians get teleport away to New Namek and the sky light up. Bulma places her hand on Gohan's shoulder while everyone else looks up toward the sky.)
DR. BRIEFS: What a fa--
(cut to Vegeta's spaceship flying off in space)
VEGETA: This ship will take me where I need to go. Now I can train without anyone bothering me. ("Ghostbusters" ringtone starts playing) What the hell is that? A phone? (turns on phone, revealing the caller to be Nappa)
NAPPA: Hey, it's me. Don't ask me how I got this number, I've got people.
VEGETA: What the hell is going on?!
NAPPA: Okay listen, I figured out that they used the DragonBalls to wish back everyone that was killed by Freeza’s men. Technically, you worked for Freeza when you killed me, so BAM, Nappa's back, baby! Woo-whoo!
VEGETA: What about all the ones you killed?
NAPPA: Well, technically I worked for you, but that has changed. I'm in Hollywood now!
VEGETA: What, are they doing a live adaptation of Mr. Clean?
NAPPA: Ha! That's hilarious. Find me the guy who writes your material and give me his number, because I'm a producer now.
VEGETA: Of course you are. What do you even do?
NAPPA: Actually, I'm in charge of this new project-- wrote it myself. It’s about this one guy who’s killed tragically by his best friend, but then comes back as a ghost and haunts him. I call it: "Citizen Nappa". Merchandising rights alone are gonna make a f**king mint. We just signed on this great new actor, too. Name's Mark Satan. (shows Vegeta a picture of Mark Satan) Need to work on the first name, thinking "Hercule". What do you think?
NAPPA: Why do I care? You're not in my board.
VEGETA: But I...
NAPPA: Listen, I'll see you around, and when you're back on Earth, give me a call. We'll do lunch! Ciao! (hangs up)
VEGETA: God... damn it... Nappa.
(Vegeta's spaceship is seen flying off into the cosmos)
(cut to the floating rubble and debris of old Namek, where Freeza's mutilated body is floating around in space)
FREEZA: (weakly) DragonBalls... DragonBalls...
(What's left of Freeza's body continues to drift off in space until it was founded by another spaceship arriving at the scene, which is his father's, King Cold. Freeza immediately gets taken on board and put in a healing tank before being put back together with several cybernetic parts by King Cold's men, being reborn as a cyborg.)
FREEZA: What happened to Namek? What happened to the DragonBalls?
KING COLD: It seems, my little princess, in your anger, you destroyed them both.
(camera shows an outside view of the cosmos before fading completely black, with the word "PLTLH" appearing at the bottom right of the screen)