GOKU: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cut to The Lookout with Piccolo, Tien and Mr. Popo watching the news on TV showing millions of people fleeing from Cell)
NEWS REPORTER: Over the last thirteen hours, more than two dozen evacuation orders have been issued all over the globe. Thousands upon millions head countryside--including the endangered saskatoad t-rexes--while others seek shelter. The world has never seen terror as real as it has today.
PICCOLO: You're kidding me...!
TIEN: Yeah, right? Dinosaurs are still a thing. It's odd how we never talk about it. At least not since we drove them out of the cities.
PICCOLO: I'm talking about terror! Never seen, my ass! My dad released every murderer out onto the streets, and overthrew the world government!
TIEN: Oh, right. And the king of the world is a blue carenterrier.
PICCOLO: It's bullshit!
TIEN: I think it's pretty progressive.
VEGETA: Aw, look at the poor Namekian lost and forgotten to time.
NEWS REPORTER: Even the attack of the Saiyans five years ago pales in comparison to this overwhelming threat. As if comparing a cataclysm to a rampaging toddler.
VEGETA: Bullshit! We turned an entire city into a glass floor!
PICCOLO: Aw, look at the poor Saiyan lost and forgotten to time.
VEGETA: Watch it, Namekian! Unless you wanna go right now! And I think we both know how our last fight went.
PICCOLO: And I think we don't because we've never fought.
VEGETA: I... Wait, yo-- Really? But then how did you?
PICCOLO: Your dumbass friend.
VEGETA: Riiight! Wow! We've never actually fought! That's so weird! (to Mr. Popo) Isn't that weird, black man?
MR. POPO: Yeah... Almost as weird as what's gonna happen if you call me that again.
VEGETA: (thinking while gawking at Mr. Popo) What IS he?
(Trunks and Tien both gasps while Piccolo grunts and they all look at the room towards the Hyperbolic Time Chamber)
GOKU: (from inside) All right now, Gohan. When we get out there, try not to brag.
GOHAN: (from inside) About what?
GOKU: (from inside) That's it, son. And don't let slip just how much stronger we are. Otherwise Vegeta will be all, (imitates Vegeta's voice) "Oh, but my pride! Grr, I wish I were a carrot!"
GOHAN: (from inside) That's not inaccurate.
GOKU: (from inside) Piccolo will probably just growl and grumble. Really, it's too bad we're out of Namekians for him to absorb. Then he'd be as strong as Vegeta. (Vegeta growls in anger) Speaking of, did you know they never fought? (he and Gohan walk out the room, both of them in damaged armor and in their Super Saiyan forms) Crazy, right? (sees everyone else out front) Oh, hey, guys. What'd I miss?
VEGETA: (in anger) Mock my pride...
GOKU: Huh, what'd I tell ya? He's like a See 'n Saiyan!
VEGETA: (off-screen) I'MA KILL HIM!!!
(cut to Goku and Gohan gorging on all the food placed on the floor as Tien, Trunks, Piccolo, and Mr. Popo watch)
GOKU: (pauses eating a bowl of ramen and looks up) Hmm?
TIEN: Was there enough food in there?
GOKU: (looks at Gohan with his mouth full) Hmm...
PICCOLO: Did you get stronger?
GOKU: (with his mouth full) Mm-hmm!
TRUNKS: Stronger than Cell?
GOKU: (looks back at Gohan with his mouth full) Hmm...
PICCOLO: For the love of... Swallow! Now!
GOKU: (sucks the rest of his noodles in for five seconds and swallows) I'm not pooping tonight.
PICCOLO: ARE YOU STRONGER THAN CELL?!
GOKU: I'ma need my threads first! Yo, Mr. P! Hit me up!
MR. POPO: Bitch, you're lucky you're endearing.
(cut to inside Capsule Corp. with Bulma working on 16)
ANDROID 16: Another reason I want to kill Son Goku? He is so orange. It's like, "Come on. there are other colors." Am I right?
BULMA: (not paying attention to 16) So we'll have to machine the skull ourselves...
ANDROID 16: Another reason to kill Son Goku, you ask? His stupid face. Have you seen it?
ANDROID 16: That's a face even a mother could kill.
BULMA: Now luckily Dad has enough synthetic skin to patch that area...
ANDROID 16: Another reason to kill Son Goku is...
BULMA: (tired of hearing 16's reasons of wanting to kill Goku) Hey. So, how 'bout we talk about something else?
ANDROID 16: Very well. What is your favorite type of bird?
BULMA: Oh, um, penguins.
ANDROID 16: WRONG!
(cut back to The Lookout with Goku now in his trademark orange gi)
GOKU: Ah, good ol' orange. Really brings out my stupid face.
MR. POPO: I have them washed for you.
GOKU: Aw, man. Now they don't have that Goku smell. Hey, Gohan. We'll have your mom make you a new gi when we get home. You're probably too big for your old one now.
GOHAN: (walks up to Piccolo) I've got it covered. Uh. Mr. Piccolo. Could you, uh...
PICCOLO: What, you want me to make you a gi like your dad's?
GOHAN: Actually, I was hoping to get one like yours.
PICCOLO: (eyes widen) Oh.
NAIL: (Did our heart just skip a beat?)
KAMI: (That is precious.)
PICCOLO: (while gritting his teeth) Shut...the f**k up! (to Gohan) Yeah, sure, I guess. CLOTHES BEAM! (materializes a new gi for Gohan based on his own attire)
GOKU: Wow. You know, that works on you. I mean...if you don't like orange.
PICCOLO: Quick rundown: doors are gonna be a little difficult at first. I suggest a 45-degree angle. Also crowds. But I don't really deal with them.
TRUNKS: Look, I don't mean to be that guy...
VEGETA: (off-screen) Oh, that's accidental.
TRUNKS: ...but there's a green cyborg elephant in the room. Goku, are you or are you not stronger than Cell?
GOKU: Good question. I'll go check!
TRUNKS: I'm sorry, check wha-- (Goku disappears with a pop)
(The scene shifts to Perfect Cell at his Cell Games Arena. The perfect being is standing in the middle of the ring and is talking with someone on a small earpiece. He is speaking to a Hetap manufacturer about sponsors.)
PERFECT CELL: (talking on the phone through the headset) Look, I understand that you sponsor all forms of sporting events, but just so we're clear, you do realize that everyone dies if I win, right? (phone chatter) Yes? (more phone chatter) Yeah, I guess that is a win-win for you, isn't it? Alright then, it's officially the Cell Games--presented by Hetap!
GOKU: (appearing out of nowhere) I'd kill for a Hetap!
PERFECT CELL: (quickly turns his head around and causes his earpiece to fly off) WHOA! JESUS!
GOKU: No, actually. It's Goku.
PERFECT CELL: Need to put a bell on you.
PERFECT CELL: Nothing! Sorry, I just wasn't expecting you for another week. (chuckles) Must look a mess. I just got done finishing the ring, patching a hole... Speaking of which, what do you think of our glorious battleground? (chuckles)
GOKU: Eh, it's alright. Kinda small, isn't it?
PERFECT CELL: I prefer intimate.
GOKU: Well, I'm not intimidated either.
PERFECT CELL: Oh, but you should be! Because in it, we shall decide the fate of not only this boring blue ball of dirt and water, but the entire galaxy! So you best bring your A-game, Son Goku. Because the stakes have never been higher. (chuckles as Goku let's out a happy gasp) And before you say it, the prize isn't actually steak.
GOKU: I wasn't thinking that.
PERFECT CELL: Yes, you were.
GOKU: Then what is the price, you monster?!
PERFECT CELL: Living! ...Also a lifetime supply of Hetap.
GOKU: You know, they say "lifetime", but they never consider the DragonBalls. Anyway, I just came to measure you up. And I gotta say...nice.
PERFECT CELL: Baby, you know it.
GOKU: I've seen all I need. Now, I'm up to go and have a...high-fiber dinner. See ya in a week!
PERFECT CELL: It's a date.
GOKU: Yeah, I know. That's how days work. (disappears with a pop)
PERFECT CELL: ...I'm gonna miss him when he's dead.
(cut back to Trunks, Piccolo, Mr. Popo, and Gohan on The Lookout)
GOHAN: So the Androids took my arm?
TRUNKS: Yeah... You lost it saving my life.
GOHAN: Well, did it at least look cool?
TRUNKS: Oh man, it was the coolest! You were always the first to jump into battle, and you never back down, and you saved my life so many times!
GOHAN: I died, didn't I?
GOKU: (appears with a pop) Wow. Okay, yeah. He's pretty strong. Also really handsome. Like, why didn't none of you warn me he would be this handsome?
PICCOLO: But is he stronger than you?
GOKU: If he's as strong as he is handsome, then whoo-boy! I mean, I'd never cheat on Chi-Chi, but...
GOKU: So handsome!
PICCOLO: Well then, if it's all the same to you, I'ma take my turn inside the chamber.
GOKU: Hey, maybe after you're done, you and 'Geets can finally have a go. (quietly to Vegeta) Go easy on him, best buddy.
PICCOLO: You know, I was stronger than you yesterday.
GOKU: Yeah, but that was a year ago. We've all grown! Like Gohan! Just look at him! All super and Saiyan...
TRUNKS: About that... You've been Super Saiyans since you came out. What's up with that?
GOHAN: Well, after extended exposure and focus, our bodies acclimated to the elevated state. We can sustain it without literally any loss in stamina.
GOKU: Yeah-huh. Also, we kinda forgot how to turn it off. (nervously laughs)
GOHAN: Truthfully, it's very concerning.
GOKU: Yeah...for Cell! And, uh, also doors...
MR. POPO: What did you do?
GOKU: (quickly as he and Gohan fly off The Lookout) See you at the Cell Games--presented by Hetap!
VEGETA: (thinking) That hollow-skulled bastard! Now I'm angry and thirsty! Boy!
VEGETA: We're going back to the chamber and fixing this immediately!
TRUNKS: Yeah, Piccolo just went in. (the door to the Hyperbolic Time Chamber slams shut)
VEGETA: What? Then what the hell am I suppose to do for 24 hours? Hang out with you two idiots? (sees that Trunks and Tien are gone) Fine, your literal humanity disgusts me, anyway. (to Mr. Popo) Guess it's just you and me now, black man.
MR. POPO: (stares at Vegeta, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath)
(cut to Korin inside his tower with Vegeta being seen whooshing down. Mr. Popo obviously threw him.)
YAJIROBE: See? I told you it would happen.
KORIN: 'Twas never a matter of "if"... (takes a sip form his cup as the tower vibrates due to Vegeta hitting the ground off-screen) Only "when".
(cut to Goku's house)
KRILLIN: Crazy. So you're like a year older now, huh?
GOKU: Yeah-huh. Which means he's Teen Gohan now.
GOHAN: Actually, I'm eleven, so that means I'm a pr--
GOKU: (cuts Gohan off) That means you need a birthday party!
KRILLIN: Ooh! Can it be Super Saiyan themed?
GOHAN: *gasps* With little spiky pieces of yellow frosting?
GOKU: (amazed by his son's brilliant idea for a cake) That sounds amazing~! (to Chi-Chi) Chi-Chi! Super Saiyan cake me!
(There is a slight, but dangerous silence...)
CHI-CHI: Did you take our son into a magical reality outside of space-time for an entire year, bleached his hair without my consent, and suddenly come back home demanding birthday cake?
GOKU: If it makes you feel any better, it's...not bleach.
CHI-CHI: It doesn't.
GOKU: Are you upset?
CHI-CHI: No...because I know how you're going to pay me back.
GOHAN: Mom, what do you mean?
CHI-CHI: (opens the front door) Krillin, would you take Gohan out for a few hours?
KRILLIN: (quickly) Gohan, we're going to Kame House.
GOKU: Wait, what does she mean? Guys?
CHI-CHI: He said one week... (the door slams shut) ...and I'm using it.
GOKU: Wh-what are you...?
(cut to an outside shot of Goku's house at nighttime, with the sounds of a bed rocking sounds being heard. In short, Chi-Chi is forcibly using Goku for sex as "punishment.")
GOKU: (heard from inside the house moaning as Chi-Chi is heard grunting) KA... ME... HA... ME... (the bed stops rocking for a few seconds and then a Kamehameha wave suddenly bursts through the roof) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(cut to Piccolo sparring with himself inside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber)
KAMI: (Seriously, you can materialize clothing from your very being.)
NAIL: (You wouldn't have to spend anything on supplies, manufacturing...)
PICCOLO: (thinking) I am focusing on training.
KAMI: (You should be focusing on what you're going to do after Cell's defeated.)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Fine, but what would we even call this hypothetical clothing line of ours?
NAIL & KAMI: (Big Green Threads!)
PICCOLO: We might need to Workshop that.
PERFECT CELL: (appears as a giant image in front of Piccolo) I think it has a perfect ring to it.
PICCOLO: Yeah, well you're big and green! You have a bias!
NAIL: (Wait, are we hallucinating?)
KAMI: (How long have we've been in here?)
PERFECT CELL: Three days.
PICCOLO: ... (cut to him emerging out of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber) I'm out.
VEGETA: (off-screen) I CALL DIBS!!!
LANIPATOR: Hey, everyone. I'm Lanipator, co-writer and co-star of DBZA, and I like to thank you for watching. If you enjoyed what you saw, let us know by leaving a comment and clicking that little thumbs up button. And if you're new here and want to stay up-to-date on everything we have coming down the pipeline, then be sure to click that Subscribe button as well. If you haven't had enough anime parody goodness just yet, then may I recommend checking out our friend, LittleKuriboh? I'm sure a lot of you already know him, but for those that don't, he's the guy that started this whole abridged series craze, and we wouldn't be here without him, so show him some love! Also, if you want to hang out with us tonight, ask some questions about the episode or just in general, why not join our livestream that kicks off at 6 P.M. Central Standard Time tonight as we play some DragonBall Fusions. If you're catching this after the fact, don't worry. Not only will the archives still exist if you want to check it out, but we also stream nearly every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday over on TFS Gaming. So come on by and join us! Come on! It's my birthday. L-literally it's...it's my birthday. September 28th... Love you guys!