VEGETA: (in a dying voice) The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall *wheezes* GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. *coughs* Oh, God.
(shows Vegeta on the ground, with a sizzling hole in his chest from where he was pierced by Freeza's Death Beam)
GOKU: Vegeta, no!
GOHAN: Vegeta, no!
KRILLIN: Don't worry, Little Green'll... (notices Dende's corpse) Oh. Vegeta, no!
PICCOLO: (after a short silence) Meh. (rolls his eyes)
GOKU: Are you all right?
VEGETA: (weakly) I have a f**king hole in my chest. Why didn't you block that one?!
GOKU: I thought you had it.
VEGETA: (weakly) NO!
FREEZA: It's funny how he's still talking, I could have sworn I hit a lung. (Vegeta coughs blood) Oh, there it is.
VEGETA: (weakly) Kakarrot, if you're ever going to listen to anything I have to say, do it now.
GOKU: What is it, Vegeta?
VEGETA: (weakly) I've lived my entire life under Freeza's rule. My entire kingdom, my race, was enslaved to his bidding.
GOKU: I understand now. If it weren't for Freezer, you wouldn't be--
VEGETA: (weakly) Dying? No.
GOKU: I was gonna say evil.
VEGETA: Oh, no. I'd definitely still be evil. If this situation were reversed, this conversation would never have happened. You'd be dead, and I'd be laughing. (laughs weakly) Oh, it hurts to laugh.
GOKU: So, why are you telling me this?
VEGETA: (weakly) Because, Kakarrot, you are our race's last hope. You are the last remaining Saiyan. (opens both eyes in shock) Oh, God, you're the last remaining Saiyan. (Vegeta makes a final wheeze and goes limp. He is dead.)
GOKU: Vegeta... you...
(Goku blasts a hole in the ground with an Kiai and then picks up Vegeta's corpse)
GOKU: Come on. You deserve a proper burial.
FREEZA: Oh yes, a proper burial: an unmarked grave on an empty planet in the middle of nowhere space. Honestly, I'd say it's too good for him.
(Goku buries Vegeta inside the hole)
GOKU: I'll make sure to give Freezer one for you, best buddy. (stands up) Goodbye.
FREEZA: Come now, I'm sure he's in a better place. Oh, who am I kidding? He's probably in Hell.
GOKU: I don't know. I went to Hell once. The only real bad parts were these two-oiled up German guys trying to wrestle me.
FREEZA: (stares blankly) ...Are you real?
GOKU: But now, I know what I have to do. I have to stop you! You're a heartless monster who kills everyone in his way... even children!
FREEZA: Oh please, everyone's always on about the children. I already tried leaving them alive, but all they do is grow up under my rule or dedicate their pathetic lives to revenge. Usually both. Really, killing them is a kindness. I can retract that kindness if you wish. But then who's the villain?
GOKU: (totally lost) Y-You.
FREEZA: N-No. That was a rhetorical question.
GOKU: And I gave you a rhetorical answer.
FREEZA: Good lord, I traded Vegeta for this.
GOKU: Gohan, Krillin, Piccolo, get on out of here! I'll take Freezer myself.
GOHAN: But Dad--
GOKU: No buts! Piccolo, you take care of Gohan.
PICCOLO: So, keep doing what I've been doing, then?
PICCOLO: Yeah, I figured. Let's go! (flies off)
KRILLIN: (while flying off) Oh, thank God!
GOHAN: Dad, beat him within an inch of his life... and hang him up by his entrails! (flies off)
GOKU: (thinking) Wow, he sounds like he's had a hard time. Piccolo should really have a talk with him.
FREEZA: I see. Sending your friends off to fight me all on your own. How gutless.
GOKU: What? How is that gutless?
FREEZA: Because, suicide is the coward's way out.
GOKU: Can we fight now?
FREEZA: Son of a... Yes!
(Goku charges forward and swings at Freeza, who dodges and swipes at Goku with his tail. Freeza launches a Death Cannon at Goku)
GOKU: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!
(Goku launches himself out of the ground with a Kamehameha, causing Freeza's Death Cannon to hit the ground and produce a huge explosion. Goku is seen floating inside the smoke while Freeza tries to shoot him with multiple eye beams.)
GOKU: Hey, wait a minute... They're all missing! He can't sense my energy. Ha-ha! You can't sense my energy!
FREEZA: No, but I can hear you, moron! (appears behind Goku)
GOKU: (thinking) *gasp* He has bat-vision!
(Freeza starts to chase Goku down while continuously firing eye beams at him. Goku then dodges an eye beam, which hits the ground and shows a small visible hole.)
GOKU: Ha! You missed!
FREEZA: Or did I?
GOKU: Yeah, you did.
FREEZA: Well, no, I really did--
GOKU: You see? Not a hole on me!
FREEZA: I wasn't trying to--
GOKU: You should really work on your aim.
FREEZA: You know what? I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to let this next part be a surprise.
GOKU: What part-- (lava erupts from the ground) WAHA! Lava!
FREEZA: Ha! Now what do you have to say?
GOKU: MY BUTT IS FLAMING!
FREEZA: (shorts silence before looking down to the side) I miss Zarbon...
GOKU: Wow, that was close. I was almost out of the frying pan and into the... lava.
FREEZA: (completely dumbfounded) How do you function?
GOKU: Hey, I'm just like any other guy. I pay my taxes one leg at a time.
FREEZA: (stares at Goku with loathing) ... I'm going to drown you. I'm going to drown you like a sack of dumb puppies.
GOKU: What? Why would you drown puppies?
FREEZA: Because they're cute and cuddly.
GOKU: Are... you coming on to me?
(Freeza kicks Goku down into the water. Goku is seen underwater with his head stuck in a hole but manages to free himself and swims upward before crossing his arms)
GOKU: (thinking) Ah, man. This guy's strong! I've gotta catch him by surprise. (remembers Freeza's earlier assault in the air) Wait, he can't sense my energy. I know! Kamehameha! (charges up two ki waves: his Twin Dragon Shot) This is the best idea I've ever had. Second only to the double baconwich; a sandwich with bacon instead of bread.
FREEZA: (floating above the water, waiting for Goku) Come now, I've waited long enough! I know it's something new to you, monkey, but it's called a bath.
GOKU: (thinking) Go, my children. (launches the first blast)
FREEZA: What? (dodges the first blast) That's just distracting! (dodges the second blast) Gah! And that's just annoyingly distracting!
GOKU: (in distance) Geronimo! (hits Freeza with a dropkick, launching him into a pile of rocks) 'Bout time someone kicked you to the curb! Nice work, brain.
BRAIN: You're welcome.
(Freeza breaks out of the rubble with an explosion and starts exercising his neck, with Orpheus falling out of his left ear)
ORPHEUS: Hey, man!
(Freeza jumps onto a cliff while Goku lands on the ground)
FREEZA: You're a cheeky little monkey, what with your silly martial arts. But you know what the difference between you and I is? You can punch a board and it will break in half. I can punch a board and wipe out its entire race.
GOKU: But can you block?
FREEZA: I'd like you to meet my friend.
GOKU: A friend? Is he nice?
FREEZA: Rock solid. (Freeza raises a giant rock out of the ground using telekinesis) Filthy monkey, meet General Mountain!
GOKU: Hi, General Mountain! My name's Go-- (gets hit by the giant rock and crashes into a wall)
GOKU: (muffled) I'm sorry, Mr. Mountain. (bursts out of the mountain and then takes a breath before Freeza appears above him.)
FREEZA: Want to play a game?
(Freeza traps Goku inside an energy sphere and proceeds to knock him around back and forth, making pinball sound effects, before launching him to the ground, emitting a huge explosion.)
(shifts to a outside shot of Planet Namek and shows a high score screen, with Freeza being on top. Freeza enters his name as "ASS".)
(cut back to the battle where Freeza is seen floating above a sandy wasteland)
FREEZA: So how did you like that game, monkey?
GOKU: (flies back to Freeza, unharmed) Eh, it was okay.
FREEZA: Wha...? You...?
GOKU: It's not Donkey Kong, though. That has a pie level.
(Freeza gives off a wide-eyed stare and then leans forward, making a creaking sound)
(cut to Bulma drinking seawater from a lake)
BULMA: Oh, God, that was so refreshing. Too bad it was all saltwater, though. (falls over)
(cut back to the battlefield where Goku and Freeza land in another area)
FREEZA: Alright then, how about this for another game? I'll fight without using either of my hands.
GOKU: Okay. Then I'll fight without using my shirt. (starts to remove his shirt)
FREEZA: I think you’re missing the point.
GOKU: (drops his shirt) Fight time now!
(Goku and Freeza fight for a bit, with Freeza only using his legs to attack Goku. Freeza then tries to hit Goku with his tail, but Goku manages to grab it.)
GOKU: Ha-ha! Got your tail!
FREEZA: What are you--? Do you think this is a game?
GOKU: Well you... you said it was a game.
FREEZA: I was being coy, you imbecile! I'm trying to kill-- Aaaah! (Goku starts screaming and begins to swing him around) What are you doing?! Stop it! Stop it now or I'm going to... to... ugh... guh...
(cut to Piccolo, Gohan, and Krillin)
FREEZA: (in distance) (makes a retching sound)
KRILLIN: (as he sees something approaching his face) Huh. What's that?
(Freeza's puke flies directly at Krillin's face. Cut to an outside shot of Planet Namek.)
(Krillin Owned Count: 27)
(cut back to the battlefield)
(Goku throws Freeza in the distance, but Freeza disappears)
GOKU: (thinking) Ah! He's gone! I'll have to keep on guard. All my vital areas. (Freeza reappears and grabs Goku's neck with his tail) Oh, no! My neck! My most vital area!
FREEZA: Oh, what's wrong? Don't have anything cute to say this time? (Goku starts choking and drops down on one knee) Adorable!
GOKU: (thinking) He's gonna choke me to death! Quick, Goku, use your instincts! (bites Freeza's tail)
FREEZA: GAH! (releases Goku) Son of a... Mother... F*CK! (punches Goku, knocking him back a few feet)
GOKU: Augh! You punched me in the face!
FREEZA: You bit my tail!
GOKU: You punched me in the face!
FREEZA: YOU BIT MY F*CKING TAIL'!
GOKU: Yeah, well, I still haven't used my shirt! Does that mean I win?
FREEZA: ...Yes. Yes! You win!
GOKU: *gasps* What do I win?
FREEZA: Another bath!
GOKU: But I'm not dirt--
(cut to Freeza drowning Goku underwater with his foot)
FREEZA: Just tell me when you need to come up for air.
GOKU: (thinking) Crap. Lungs... filling with water. Muscles... hurting. Brain, status report!
BRAIN: (makes mumbling sounds) ...Frozen peas...
GOKU: Well, that's not good. That's not... good... at all...
(the camera completely blacks out as Goku loses consciousness)
VEGETA: (in a ghostly voice) Kakarrot... Kakarrot... Kaka-- (in normal voice) Ah, you know what? Screw this. Wake up, dumbass!
GOKU: (suddenly wakes up) Huh? Ve-Vegeta?
VEGETA: (appears as a ghost) You're failing your race, Kakarrot. Freeza's unlike any opponent you've ever faced. You need to embrace your heritage; become the Saiyan that you were meant to be--
GOKU: Why are you naked?
GOKU: You're naked. (shows Vegeta fully naked with his tail) Why?
VEGETA: Idiot, you don't take your clothes with you when you die.
GOKU: Well, I did.
GOKU: Yeah. even had my weighted clothes on too. And I didn't even die in those. Huh.
VEGETA: That lying red motherf*cker! Anyway listen, Kakarrot. Inside you is the primal burning fury of the Saiyan race. Like a wild raging Ōzaru, you must unleash it, Kakarrot!
GOKU: So... do I gotta throw my poo at him?
VEGETA: Oh for God's--! Just use your stupid Kaio-whatever!
GOKU: Oh, okay! Thanks, Vegeta!
VEGETA: F**k off. I'm gonna go get my clothes back. (disappears)
(cut back to Freeza above the water still drowining Goku with his foot)
FREEZA: So, any last words, monkey? You know, besides "gurgle, gurgle"?
(Goku bursts out of the water, startling Freeza)
GOKU: Yeah! (powers up to Kaio-Ken) Kaio-Ken!
FREEZA: Kaio-what--? (Goku punches him away) Gah!
GOKU: Ka... Me... Ha... Me... HA!
(Goku launches a huge x.20 Kaio-Ken Kamehameha at Freeza. Freeza blocks the attack head-on by extending his hand. The blast connects and causes an enormous shockwave, turning the whole area into sand dunes. Goku is seen in midair catching his breath.)
FREEZA: No seriously, Kaio-what?
FREEZA: I thought so. (blasts Goku away)
(cut to Earth's Check-In Station in the afterlife)
BLUE OGRE: (off-screen) Attention! Any sin you commit before being judged will be used against you.
KING YEMMA: Next... strip. Next... strip. Next... strip. (stops and leans forward) Nice!
RECOOME: (off-screen) Recoome thanks you.