NAIL: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cuts to Piccolo on Planet Namek)
PICCOLO: Urgh, what was that idiot DOING bringing me here! It's... Wait a minute, I can feel it... This is my home! I can finally see its beauty! The lush blue fields, the crystal clear waters, the wind brushing past my... GOD, THIS IS BORING!!! (groans) No wonder I feel at home.
(cuts to Freeza confronting Vegeta, Gohan, Krillin, and Dende)
FREEZA: Well, Vegeta. You've finally pulled it off. You've managed to dashed my hopes entirely. With some help, I see.
GOHAN: Krillin, seriously, not helping!
KRILLIN: I can try.
FREEZA: I'm very curious. Where exactly are you from?
KRILLIN: We're from Ear--
GOHAN: Krillin, no!
KRILLIN: Oh right... Thanks for stopping me, Gohan. 'Cause I can't shut--
DENDE: They're from Earth.
KRILLIN: Little Green, why?!
DENDE: Because my name is Dende.
FREEZA: Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and BLOW IT THE F**K UP!!! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit ABSOLUTELY LIVID.
VEGETA: Oh, Freeza. Quit being such a woman. I lost my chance at immortality too and you don't see me crying about it.
FREEZA: Yes, Vegeta. But you see, the difference between us is I'll live long enough to regret it. (charges at Vegeta and engages him in battle) HYAAAAAAAAH!
(cuts to Piccolo flying through the sky)
PICCOLO: (in his thoughts and sighing) Everything looks the goddamn same on this goddamn planet! (sees something) Wait a minute, a body! (out loud) SOCIAL ACTIVITY! (Piccolo flies down and lands next to a body, which is Nail's) Please tell me you're not dead!
NAIL: (speaks in Namekian/Klingon)
PICCOLO: Ah, crap. I find the only living thing for miles-- and he's so broken he can't even talk right.
NAIL: I was speaking Namekian, you idiot. Don't you know anything about your own people?
PICCOLO: Well, we're demons, right?
NAIL: Eh, more like slug people.
PICCOLO: Ah, dammit! I liked it better when I was a demon.
NAIL: And I liked it better when I had proper bladder control. Nobody's perfect.
PICCOLO: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that. What happened?
NAIL: Let's just say our world elder's kind of a giant green asshole.
PICCOLO: Preachin' to the choir on that one. Well, it's been fun, but I have to go DIE again... (turns to leave)
NAIL: Wait. I might be able to help you.
PICCOLO: Look, buddy. If you want to add me on MySpace, I switched to Spacebook a while ago. (turns to leave again)
NAIL: No, no, no, no. Listen. I think I know something that might work out for both of us. I don't wanna die and you seem pretty lonely.
PICCOLO: (loudly) DESPERA-- (normal tone) I mean, go on.
NAIL: There's a special ability our people share. Forbidden, even amongst our most sacred clans.
PICCOLO: And we're just going to abuse it?
NAIL: Oh, maliciously!
PICCOLO: Bitchin'! How we do?
NAIL: Well, first you put your hand upon me.
PICCOLO: 'Kay. (places his hand on Nail's elbow)
NAIL: Yes. Like that. Now lower.
NAIL: Little lower.
NAIL: Ah! If we had junk, you'd be gay right now. (Piccolo groans) Fusing!
(Piccolo fuses with Nail)
PICCOLO: Wow. Unreal. My gosh. This is amazing! I feel INCREDIBLE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I can win! I feel great! I-can-do-this! HAAA...
NAIL: (heard inside Piccolo's head) (What are you doing?)
PICCOLO: (stammers quickly) Nothing.
NAIL: (Really? 'Cause it looked like you were chanting to yourself.)
PICCOLO: Are you in my head?
NAIL: (Yup. Don't worry; supposedly I should fade away into your subconscious. Sooner or later.)
PICCOLO: Okay. So, what now?
NAIL: (By my estimate, this fusion should have given you just enough power to wipe out the bastard who killed our people.)
NAIL: (Well, let me put this in terms you'll understand: You can win! You feel great! You-can-do-this!)
PICCOLO: Oh, ha-ha!
(cuts to Vegeta and Freeza in a brawler lock)
FREEZA: Impudent... little... (scouter shows "F**K THIS I'M OUT" before exploding) Guh!
(Vegeta and Freeza both back off, producing a small crater due to their power)
FREEZA: I'm impressed, Vegeta. When did you graduate from pull-ups?
VEGETA: About the same time you got off the rag.
FREEZA: Cute. But bear no false hopes, Vegeta. You're a mere paper tiger in front of a storm. You have no idea what true power I possess.
VEGETA: It's that you can transform, right?
FREEZA: I can transform... Okay, when and how?
VEGETA: Guldo told me.
(flashback of a conversation between Vegeta and Guldo)
GULDO: So... Did you know that Freeza can transform?
VEGETA: Huh. That right?
GULDO: Yeah. And Burter's gay.
VEGETA: (genuinely surprised) Really!?
(back to present)
VEGETA: And then I threw a dog treat at him. True story.
FREEZA: Right. But if you are so aware, why do you persist in goading me?
VEGETA: Because Freeza. You're not dealing with the average Saiyan warrior anymore. I am a Super Saiyan!
FREEZA: Oh, here we go!
VEGETA: That's right, Freeza. I've arisen beyond the limits of a normal Saiyan, and into the realm of legend-- the legend that you fear. The legend known throughout the entire universe as the most powerful warrior to ever exist! (Freeza starts speaking faintly at this point) I, Prince Vegeta, have become a... (voice completely trails off)
FREEZA: ...Super Saiyan. Blah, blah, blah, blah, I get it. Then you slayed the Jabberwocky and went on to save Narnia.
VEGETA: Go ahead and mock me, Freeza, but I'm not afraid of you. So why don't you doll yourself up and get ready for a night on the town, because I'm about to take you to a ballroom blitz.
FREEZA: Fine. I'll indulge you, Mr. Super Saiyan. But before I do I have a funny little story I'd like to tell you.
VEGETA: Funny how?
FREEZA: I like to call it, "I killed your dad".
VEGETA: So "ha-ha" funny.
FREEZA: You see, thanks to a rogue lower-class warrior, your father caught wind of my plans...
(flashback to planet Vegeta)
BUTAREGA: King Vegeta, I have urgent news!
KING VEGETA: Speak, Butarega.
BUTAREGA: Bardock has gone absolutely mad, sire!
BARDOCK: (off-screen) Freezaaaaaa!
KING VEGETA: What's all the commotion about?
BUTAREGA: He's been telling everyone that Freeza plans to destroy Vegeta!
KING VEGETA: Wait, my son, the planet, or me?
(King Vegeta blasts Butarega away)
KING VEGETA: Freakin' smartass. (shows Nappa wearing Jafar's headdress) Counselor Nappa, what do you think?
NAPPA: Let me tell you what you need to do. You need to sit him down...
KING VEGETA: Uh-huh.
NAPPA: ...you look him dead in the eye...
KING VEGETA: Yes.
NAPPA: ...and you say, "Don’t blow up my planet."
KING VEGETA: And you think that will work?
NAPPA: He'd have to be aaaaaaawfully evil if it didn't. And I'm not gonna lie, I like the cut of his jib.
KING VEGETA: All right, but I want you to take my son, the Prince, off-planet just in case things go south.
NAPPA: Don't worry, sir. You'll do juuuuuust fine.
(shifts to King Vegeta approaching Freeza, Zarbon, and Dodoria)
KING VEGETA: Freeza, can I sit down and have a word with--
FREEZA: SHORYUKEN! (uppercuts King Vegeta in the jaw, causing the latter to fall back while producing with an echoing scream)
STREET FIGHTER ANNOUNCER: K.O.! YOU WIN!
(back to present)
FREEZA: And then I blew the planet up. The end.
VEGETA: How did you know about the parts you weren’t there for?
(Freeza gives a blank stare at Vegeta and then proceeds to transform)
GOHAN: Krillin, do you feel that?
KRILLIN: I taste that!
(Freeza finishes transforming into his second form)
FREEZA: All done. And judging by the expression on your face, so are you.
VEGETA: What...? How?
FREEZA: Let's be practical and put a number to that feeling, shall we? Last time I clocked this form it was at... one million.
VEGETA: You're lying!
FREEZA: Am I? Am I really?
(Freeza raises his hand and explodes the island that everyone is currently standing on, making an explosion so big that it can be seen from the planet. Freeza is shown standing on what's left of the island.)
VEGETA: (off-screen) Not impressed! I can do that, too!
GOHAN: Krillin, are you okay?
KRILLIN: Yeah, and I've got Little Green right here!
FREEZA: (sings to "My Favorite Things")
♪Peaceful young races with fires on their houses♪
♪Millions of voices all silenced like mouses♪
♪Watching the cowards bow toward their new king♪
♪These are a few of my favorite things♪
KRILLIN: Is it just me, or is he singing to himself?
(Freeza charges at Krillin and impales him with one of his horns, causing Krillin to drop Dende)
(Krillin Owned Count: 15)
VEGETA: (thinking) Well, he's dead.
KRILLIN: This is... the worst... pai-i-i-in!
FREEZA: Really? Sure it isn’t this? (looks up and starts shifting his head up and down) Or this? Or this? Or this? Or this? (Krillin Owned Count: 16-21, with two 1Ups coming up in the last two ones)
GOHAN: Krillin, stop! You're making him stronger!
KRILLIN: (while getting tortured by Freeza) I-can't-help-it!
(Krillin Owned Count: 22-25)
FREEZA: One down! (throws Krillin off his horn and towards the lake) Ah, I think impalement is my favorite way to kill a person.
GOHAN: You condescending... sadistic.... callous... MOTHERF**KER!!!
(Gohan attacks Freeza by kicking and punching him in the face before knocking him upward with an uppercut and finally kicks him towards the ground. Gohan then starts charging up an energy blast.)
GOHAN: (thinking) GOHAN SMASH EFFEMINATE ALIEN! GOHAN STRONGEST THERE IS!
(Gohan launches a ki blast directly at Freeza, causing a massive explosion. Gohan is then seen in midair catching his breath. Freeza is seen lying face down on the ground, covered in sand from Gohan's assault.)
VEGETA: Yeah, how's that feel, Freeza? Now if you can, why don't you pick your sorry ass up and take on a REAL (Freeza is seen getting up) Saiyan... (voice trails off)
FREEZA: Huh. That happened. Vegeta, mind sitting right there for just a moment, I need to go play babysitter.
GOHAN: (thinking) Think! What would Dad do in this situation?
(flashback of Goku wearing a backpack)
GOKU: Bye, son!
(back to present)
GOHAN: I'm beginning to think I have issues... (gets punched by Freeza) AAAH! (hits the ground and tries to get up, but gets crushed by Freeza's foot) AAAH! GAH!
FREEZA: So, Vegeta. Does this get you angry?
VEGETA: Not really. Kind of a smartass.
FREEZA: Well then, why am I even bothering?
VEGETA: Because you get off on it?
FREEZA: Oh, unbelievably... Huh? (tail gets cut off by a Kienzan) Alright, who has the balls?!
(Camera zooms on to Krillin, who is the one responsible for cutting off Freeza's tail. Krillin then turns around and starts repeatedly spanking his butt.)
KRILLIN: Kiss my ass, bitch! I'm immortal!
(Freeza growls angrily and flies after Krillin)
KRILLIN: (imitates Curly's whooping sounds while flying away) Suuuck myy diiii...
(shifts to Vegeta)
VEGETA: (thinking) How the hell did he get up? Oh, my God, I swear if he used that wish of immortality on himself, I am going to murd... (stops himself and opens his mouth in shock. Speaks out loud after a short pause.) That... bastard.
(shifts to Dende healing Gohan)
DENDE: Come on... You can't leave me alone here; you're the only one I can talk to!
GOHAN: (regaining consciousness) I... you... healed me.
DENDE: You are the only one I respect.
GOHAN: Then why did you heal Krillin?
DENDE: The better question is: why did I tell him he was immortal?
(Krillin flies back to the battlefield)
KRILLIN: Holy crap! Thank God I’m immortal!
DENDE: (off-screen) Actually, I healed you, you idiot!
KRILLIN: Wait, so I could have died back there?
VEGETA: Yeah, and unlike the runt and I, you don't get a power boost from it.
KRILLIN: Hax! I call hax!
GOHAN: How did you escape?
KRILLIN: Oh, it was awesome! (flashback of Freeza chasing Krillin) See, he was gaining on me there for a minute, but then I managed to lose him in some crevices, but he kept cutting me off at every pass.
(back to present)
VEGETA: He didn't just blow it up?
KRILLIN: I thought the same thing, but no! (flashback of Krillin using the Solar Flare on Freeza, showing Dodoria in a lingerie for a brief moment) So I thought fast and I used the Solar Flare on him!
(back to present)
GOHAN: And then you used your Kienzan to cut him in half?
FREEZA: (flies back to the battlefield, angrily) I WILL MOUNT YOUR HEAD WHERE MY TAIL USED TO BE!
KRILLIN: To answer your question, Gohan. No, I did not do that.
VEGETA: Douse this bitch!
(Vegeta, Gohan, and Krillin fire a barrage of energy blasts at Frieza, covering him in smoke)
KRILLIN: Did we get him?
GOHAN: Krillin, we can feel his energy. Why do you bother asking?
KRILLIN: I'm an optimist.
VEGETA: You're an idiot.
FREEZA: (unfazed by the blasts) You're both wrong. You're dead.
GOHAN: You know what? I'm sick of this. If I'm gonna die, then I'm gonna go out the same way Piccolo would! (moves in to attack Frieza head-on)
KRILLIN: Gohan, no! (flies after Gohan)
VEGETA: No, goddamn it! (also flies after Gohan)
(A new figure surrounded by light appears in front of the trio. The light clears, and the figure is revealed to be Piccolo, arriving at the battlefield, as "Battle with Magus" from Chrono Trigger Resurrection plays in the background)
GOHAN: M... Mr. Piccolo!
FREEZA: Well, well, well! I'm legitimately surprised I missed one of you. But that's just fine because I've been working on some jokes. Now tell me if you've heard this one: How many Namekians does it take to-- (gets sent flying by a punch from Piccolo) DOAH!
PICCOLO: Just one.
(Super Mario Bros. theme song plays in the background as Freeza is seen under a ? Block from the Mario series and headbutts it, revealing a Super Mushroom. Freeza touches the mushroom and "powers up" into his second form.)