KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(scene opens up at Kame House with Bulma, Master Roshi, Oolong and Puar watching a telecast of Yamcha's death)
MR. KENT: And there you have it, folks. That man is dead. Very, very dead.
JIMMY: Mr. Kent, if you had to come up with a word for how dead he is, what would it be?
MR. KENT: "Cadaverific!"
BULMA: (breaks down crying in Master Roshi's chest) Yamcha! No! I was saving myself for him!
MASTER ROSHI: (...?) Bullshit!
(scene shifts to the battlefield with Krillin being struck with grief over Yamcha's death)
KRILLIN: Yamcha! Yamcha! Yamcha was our friend...and you bastards killed him! Don’t worry, Yamcha, I’ll avenge you!
PICCOLO: Oh right, you're going to avenge him? The five-year-old over here is stronger than you are!
KRILLIN: But I--
PICCOLO: Face it, you’re pretty much here as a meat shield.
(Krillin is extremely angry)
NAPPA: Ha! Look at him, Vegeta. He’s like the Raditz of their group.
KRILLIN: That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! I can only be pushed so far!
(HUD from Final Fantasy VII appears at the bottom of the screen, selecting "Krillin" and "Limit")
(Scatter Shot appears at the top of the screen)
KRILLIN: KRILLIN LIMIT BREEEEEAK!!!!
(Battle music from Final Fantasy VII plays as Krillin uses Scatter Shot to kill three Saibamen; Victory music from Final Fantasy VII plays after Krillin's rampage)
KRILLIN: (while catching his breath) That was...for Yamcha.
VEGETA: Congratulations, you've just destroyed the equivalent of three Raditz.
KRILLIN: That’s right! What now, you son of a bi--
VEGETA: Nappa here is worth five Raditz.
KRILLIN: I-- uh... What?
VEGETA: And I am worth fifteen Raditz.
KRILLIN: (disappointed) I... Oh...
NAPPA: Aw, come on, don’t get so down on yourself. At least you’ve proven that your Raditz is still stronger than our Raditz.
(scene shift to Raditz)
RADITZ: I...hate...all of you!
(scene shifts back to the battlefield)
VEGETA: So in short, good for you. Oh, by the way, you missed one.
(one Saibamen pops out from hiding and tries to attack Gohan, only to be grabbed by Piccolo)
PICCOLO: Yeah, no.
(punches the Saibamen in its stomach and throws it in the air before blasting it with a mouth blast)
GOHAN: That was incredible, Mr. Piccolo!
TIEN: Yeah, way to go!
KRILLIN: But, what about--
PICCOLO: Well, you can all learn a thing or two.
KRILLIN: But I just killed three of them--
CHIAOTZU: Nobody cares, Krillin!
VEGETA: Well, Nappa, looks like it’s your turn to teach them a lesson.
NAPPA: Yeah, right out of Saiyan University. (begins walking towards the Z-Fighters)
VEGETA: Hold on, you went to college?
VEGETA: What the hell could someone like you possibly major in?!
NAPPA: Child Psychology.
GOHAN: Wow, That sounds really interes--
NAPPA: With a minor in Pain! (dashes towards Tien and severs his left arm in one punch)
(Tien screams in absolute pain)
VEGETA: Looks like he’s been...disarmed!
(silence as the wind blows)
NAPPA: (off-screen) I get it!
VEGETA: Shut it, Nappa.
(Tien leaps in the sky)
NAPPA: Oh, I love this game! Tag! (chases Tien and kicks him towards the ground) No tagbacks.
TIEN: (thinking) Agh, damn, this guy’s strong. Maybe it would be best if I just took Chiaotzu and-- (notices Chiaotzu is gone) Wait, where is he?!
(Chiaotzu is seen latched onto Nappa's back)
NAPPA: Vegeta, the Pokémon’s on my back.
TIEN: Chiaotzu! No!
NAPPA: Aww, I can’t get it off, Vegeta! Here, I’ll use Rock Smash.
(smashes his back into a rock, causing Chiaotzu to whimper in pain)
TIEN: Chiaotzu, you get down from there this instant!
CHIAOTZU: (telepathically) No! I have to do this, Tenshinhan! For all the people of Earth, our friends, and especially you!
TIEN: But Chiaotzu...!
CHIAOTZU: (telepathically) Don’t worry, you can just wish me back with the Dragon Balls! Now, goodbye, my friend!
TIEN: That won’t work, Chiaotzu! We already wished you back once with the Dragon Balls; we can’t do it twice!
CHIAOTZU: (telepathically) Wait, wha--? (explodes)
TIEN: N-No! No! Chiaotzu! CHIAOTZUUUU!!!
KRILLIN: Oh, my God... He blew into more pieces than Yamcha!
TIEN: He was my closest friend! I... I loved him.
KRILLIN: As a memorial to Yamcha: gay.
TIEN: (thinking) At least your sacrifice wasn’t in vain, my friend.
(Nappa is revealed to be alive, leaving Chiaotzu's sacrifice to be in vain)
NAPPA: Aww, dang it, Vegeta. He used Self-Destruct. I hate it when they do that.
TIEN: (off-screen) DAMN IT!
NAPPA: (lands next to a grieving Tien) Awwww, I think I made him mad, Vegeta. Should I talk to him about it? The first step to working out your problems is healthy communication. And--
TIEN: HUAAAH! (tries to punch Nappa, but hits a boulder)
NAPPA: Hey, that was very rude! I was talking to VEGETA! (punches Tien, launching him into a boulder)
GOHAN: Should-- shouldn’t we help him?
PICCOLO: Can’t you see he has to fight this battle on his own? He’s fighting for the honor of his fallen comrade.
(Nappa is seen beating Tien to a pulp)
TIEN: (getting hit with each word) HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP MEEEE!!!
PICCOLO: Like a hero.
GOHAN: Mr. Piccolo, help him!
PICCOLO: Oh, fine! (to Krillin) Krillin, go!
(Piccolo and Krillin jump into the air to help Tien)
NAPPA: For PONY!!!!!!!! (Piccolo hits him) UWAGH! He hit me! (Krillin knocks Nappa towards the ground) GAH HA! He hit me too!
(Nappa is seen flying towards Gohan)
PICCOLO: Gohan, hurry up and blast him with all your strength! Before he has time to DOOOOODGE!
("dodge" echoes traumatically in Gohan’s head, causing him to scream and run for cover)
PICCOLO: Damn you, Pavlov!
(scene goes static and switches to a news reporter)
NEWS REPORTER: For those of you who don’t know who Pavlov is, allow us to take a brief moment to explain. Back in 1904--
OOLONG: (banging his hand on the TV) Get back to the fight!
NEWS REPORTER: Annnd back to the fight.
(scene goes static and changes back to the fight, with Nappa recovering from Piccolo and Krillin's surprise attack)
NAPPA: Hey, not gonna lie. Dick move, guys, dick move.
KRILLIN: Piccolo, do you have a plan?
PICCOLO: That depends; can you get him in a Full Nelson?
KRILLIN: Any plans that don’t involve killing me?
PICCOLO: Well, there is the multi-form technique.
KRILLIN: But doesn’t that cut our power levels by--
PICCOLO: Plan A or Plan B, Krillin!
KRILLIN: Plan B! Plan B!
PICCOLO & KRILLIN: Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! (three clones of Piccolo and Krillin appear)
NAPPA: Vegeta! I can’t....."believe it".
(Vegeta gives off an annoyed groan off-screen)
(the three Piccolos and Krillins attack Nappa, who dominates them with his superior strength)
PICCOLO: (thinking) Hrgh, he’s dodging every hit! We can’t lay a finger on him! What kind of incredible mental discipline has this guy gone through?
NAPPA: Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s MAN! (punches a Krillin clone) Bake me a cake as fast as you CAN! (punches a Piccolo clone and eventually launches all three clones towards the ground)
(Krillin slams onto the ground, followed by his two clones, causing him to groan in pain)
(Krillin Owned Count: 5-7)
(Piccolo also hits the ground, followed by his doubles, which knocks him down)
NAPPA: Good effort, but I’m the Patty Cake champion.
PICCOLO: (after a short pause) What?
NAPPA: But, at least you didn’t uselessly self-destruct like that Pokémon.
TIEN: (gets up from Nappa's beatdown earlier) You stupid...ugly...son of a bitch. (begins charging a blast) His name...was CHIAOTZU! KIKŌHŌ! (fires a Spirit Tri-Beam at Nappa)
NAPPA: Yeah, that Chiaotzu-- OH, MY GOOOOOD! (gets hit directly by Tien's attack)
TIEN: (thinking) Right here... Right behind you, Chiaotzu. (falls on the ground, dying from using up all his energy)
(Nappa again survives the attack, this time, losing some of his armor)
NAPPA: Aha, pointless.
KRILLIN: (absolutely terrified) We’re gonna die, aren’t we.
NAPPA: Yep! (charges towards the remaining Z-Fighters, who all stand frozen in fear, but suddenly stops in midair and looks at Vegeta)
VEGETA: (annoyed) What?
NAPPA: I can fly...!
VEGETA: (starts stammering before letting out a sigh) Yes, Nappa, yes you can.
KRILLIN: You know, you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble once Goku gets here!
KRILLIN: Goku! He’s stronger than all of us combined!
VEGETA: Well then, I guess we better kill you before he gets here.
KRILLIN: W-Wait, I mean...
NAPPA: But Vegeta, I wanna meet the strong guy!
VEGETA: Nappa just kill them first and--
NAPPA: But I want him to see us kill them!
VEGETA: Oh, God, there’s no arguing with you. Fine, I’ll give you three hours tops. After that, I’m killing all of you.
NAPPA: Yay! And now we wait.
(Thirty seconds later...)
NAPPA: Is he here yet?
VEGETA, PICCOLO, GOHAN, & KRILLIN: No.
NAPPA: Is he here yet?
VEGETA, PICCOLO, GOHAN, & KRILLIN: No...!
NAPPA: Is he here yet?
VEGETA, PICCOLO, GOHAN, & KRILLIN: No!
NAPPA: Is he here yet?
VEGETA, PICCOLO, GOHAN, & KRILLIN: NO!
NAPPA: Is he here ye--?
VEGETA, PICCOLO, GOHAN, & KRILLIN: NO!!!
VEGETA: Goddamn it, Nappa, just go do something! Go have fun-- I don’t care how.
NAPPA: Oh boy! This is gonna be my best...day...ever.
(scene shifts to Nappa destroying both naval and air forces, laughing while doing so, while Peewee's Pocket Circus plays in the background)
(scene shifts back to the battlefield with the Z-Fighters waiting for Goku until Vegeta's scouter beeps)
VEGETA: Well, time’s up-- time to die. (removes his scouter and throws it at the ground)
PICCOLO: So, where’s your friend--
NAPPA: I'm back! (elbows Piccolo in the head)
VEGETA: Nappa, where did your armor go?
NAPPA: I had a hell of a day, Vegeta. I sank their battleship...and their whales.
(scene shifts to the remains of a navy ship floating in a bloody ocean, presumably the blood of the whales Nappa indirectly murdered)
AQUAMAN: (off-screen) Nooo...