KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji T.V., and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(scene changes to a dark room with swinging pendulum in the ceiling as Mr. Popo, Krillin, Yamcha, Tien holding Chiaoutzu, and Yajirobe are seen walking forward)
KRILLIN: Um. Mr. Popo, are you sure this’ll make us strong-
MR. POPO: Pecking order.
(everyone arrives at the Pendulum Room)
MR. POPO: Damn right you are. Now, stand in this circle here.
(everyone minus Yajirobe are seen standing on the magic circle)
TIEN: You mean, like this?
MR. POPO: Yeah. Bye!
KRILLIN: Wait, what?!
(everyone gets teleported to another dimension)
(scene changes to King Kai's planet)
KING KAI: Alright, today we will commence your training.
GOKU: Woohoo! Alright! Now, what’s my first lesson?
KING KAI: First, you must--
GOKU: Catch the monkey! (begins chasing Bubbles)
KING KAI: Actually, I was going to--
GOKU: (continues to chase Bubbles) Whee!
KING KAI: Okay, have fun with that.
(scene changes to the Z Fighters walking in a ruined city)
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in... somewhere...
YAMCHA: Wow, this place is a wreck.
TIEN: I know-- the desolation, the ruin, the horror.
KRILLIN: Where are we, New Orleans?
TIEN: Too soon!
(Chiaotzu looks at a helmet)
HELMET: (quickly) You must construct additional pylons.
TIEN: Chiaotzu, get away from there.
(helmet disintegrates, revealing the head of a Saiyan)
TIEN: You have no idea where that’s been-- it could give you an infection.
CHIAOTZU: You’re not my dad-- don’t tell me what to--
(Saiyan attacks Chioutzu, causing him to scream as he falls off the city)
TIEN: Chiaotzu, My partner!
TIEN: Hey, at least I don’t spend all my free time living alone with a cat!
YAMCHA: Hey, at least I get some puss-- Wow, that did not come out right.
SPRAUT: (disembodied echo) Hey, Bruzzel, look what we got here.
BRUZZEL: (disembodied echo) Yes, we’ve got some tourists, Spraut.
SPRAUT: (disembodied echo) Well, then we should give them the tour.
BRUZZEL: (disembodied echo) Yes, the tour straight to hell, because we’ll be killing them, with our own two diabolical hands, which are comprised of many sinister fingers, which we shall use to fiendishly destroy them one by one until--
SPRAUT: (disembodied echo) Oh, for Christ’s sake, yes, they get it-- we’re evil. Shut up!
(Saiyan grabs Krillin's ankle and pulls him underground)
KRILLIN: Oh, God, why?!
(Yamcha and Tien look at the hole as fighting sounds can be heard along with Krillin screaming)
KRILLIN: Oh, God, this can’t possibly get any worse.
MR. POPO: Hi.
(Krillin screaming louder, possibly due to seeing Mr. Popo.)
(Krillin Owned Count: 4)
YAMCHA: It’s up to us! We have to attack together!
TIEN: Right, back to back! Let’s do it for Chiaotzu!
YAMCHA: And Krillin!
(crickets chips in silence)
YAMCHA: Eh, okay, just Chiaotzu.
(Yamcha and Tien charge up to attack the Saiyans)
(scene shifts to the Pendulum Room with Mr. Popo standing next to the circle)
MR. POPO: Alright, let’s see how they’re doing inside.
(Yamcha and Tien are seen getting hit and screaming in pain as Mr. Popo laughs, loving every moment of it. Eventually, everyone returns to the Pendulum Room, exhausted and terrified.)
MR. POPO: So, how was it?
(Heavy breathing are heard with Krillin muttering something unintelligible about "darkness")
TIEN: It was... horrible.
MR. POPO: Good, you survived the first test.
KRILLIN: (relieved) Oh, thank God!
MR. POPO: But I have some bad news.
MR. POPO: You’re going back.
KRILLIN: (sounding a bit scared) Wh-What?
MR. POPO: Bye!
(Z-Fighters all get teleported back to the ruined city)
KRILLIN: (screaming) No!!!
(short silence with Kami suddenly appearing next to Mr. Popo)
KAMI: Mr. Popo, where did you send them?
MR. POPO: I’ll tell you where they’re not: safe.
(scene changes to King Kai's planet, Goku has just caught Bubbles)
GOKU: Woohoo! Alright, I caught the mon-- (notices Gregory) ooh, a cricket! (drops Bubbles who screeches in pain)
GREGORY: Yeah, I’m Gregory--
GOKU: (holding a hammer) I’ma smash him!
GREGORY: (visibly terrified) What? (shift to inside King Kai's house; Gregory is seen blasting by) OHMYDEARGOD!!!
GOKU: (chases Gregory with the hammer) Wee-hee!
KING KAI: (watering a plant, unconcerned) Shut up, Gregory.
(Gregory screams as Goku hits the ground with a hammer)
KING KAI: (continues watering a plant, unconcerned) Shut up, Bojack.
(scene changes to Kami’s Lookout)
KAMI: It seems that your training here is complete.
KRILLIN: But we--
KAMI: Mr. Popo, do you have any last comments for them?
MR. POPO: (extremely blunt) You’re all going to die.
KAMI: Thank you, Mr. Popo. Now I believe it is time for you to leave.
KRILLIN: But-but all we did was--
MR. POPO: Pecking order.
(Z-Fighter fly off the lookout with Tien screaming)
KRILLIN: Oh, God, get out of my way!
(scene changes to King Kai’s planet)
GOKU: I completed the first two lessons, King Kai.
KING KAI: Yes, congratulations, you’ve managed to catch my pet monkey, Bubbles, and give Gregory a concussion.
GREGORY: (in pain, off-screen) You psychotic bastard!
KING KAI: Now we can start on your real training and I can teach you the--
GOKU: Oh, before you do, could you tell about the Saiyans.
KING KAI: Not much to tell you other than they all died 20 years ago.
GOKU: (gasps) Even my dad?
(flashback of Bardock screaming while burning)
(King Kai is seen holding his mouth, trying not to burst out laughing)
KING KAI: (abruptly) Yes.
GOKU: Really? What killed them?
KING KAI: Let me check. (checks Wikipedia entry) Let’s see here. "Stupid monkeys hit by falling rocks. Hahahahahahaha! P.S. Freeza rules you." That doesn’t seem right--
GOKU: Bored now. Let’s get back to training, King Kai!
KING KAI: (lets out an exasperated sigh)
(scene changes to Master Roshi’s Island)
NARRATOR: And so, one year has passed-- the characters who actually did anything in the last series, but not in this one, have finally found themselves of use and have summoned the Eternal Dragon to wish back their fallen comrade, Goku!
BULMA: I don’t get it. Why are we doing this again?
MASTER ROSHI: Because my sister, Baba, told us to.
(Shenron gets summoned)
SHENRON: You have summoned the eternal dragon. Make your wish and I’ll--(recognizes Master Roshi, Bulma, and Oolong, with disdain) Oh, God, it’s you guys again. Can’t anyone else find these damn things? Ah, screw it, whatever, what do you want?
MASTER ROSHI: There are two horrible Saiyans coming to our planet and we need Goku to be brought back to life in order to defeat them.
SHENRON: Really? You know you could, um, just wish me–a magical dragon–to send them into an asteroid field. One crossed wire and, BOOM, right in the sun!
MASTER ROSHI: (insistently) No, you see, as long as we have Goku, we’ll be fine.
SHENRON: (puzzled) Right... Yeah, okay, fine, whatever, I’ll grant your wish. Just don’t come crying to me when half your stupid asses get killed. Ah, who am I kidding, you will.
(Shenron's eyes starts to glow and then the scene changes to King Kai's planet, with Goku's halo disappearing)
GOKU: Hey, King Kai, I’m alive again!
KING KAI: Yes, and you’ve conveniently learned the Kaio-ken and the Spirit Bomb off-screen. Now get the f**k off my planet!
GOKU: Alright, and thank you, King Kai, for all the training. It’ll be a hard fight when I return to Earth, but now, I’m truly confident--
KING KAI: GO HOME!!!
GOKU: 'Kay, bye! (flies off King Kai's planet)
(silence as King Kai, Gregory, and Bubbles watch Goku leave)
KING KAI: (sudden realization) Oh, God, what have I done?! I’m all alone again!
BUBBLES: (subtitled) Well, good sir, you’ve still my modest company. How about I grab us some tea and some quiet music and we---
KING KAI: Shut up, Bubbles!
GREGORY: Well, I’m still here for you, sir.
KING KAI: Shut up, Gregory!
BOJACK: Yarr, You’ve still have--
KING KAI: Shut up, Bojack!
(scene shifts on Earth in a barren wasteland)
PICCOLO: All right, runt, your training is complete. Now you and I will take over the worl--
KAMI: (telepathically) Hello? Hello?
PICCOLO: (telepathically) Ugh. What is it, old man?
KAMI: (telepathically) I just wanted to check in and make sure you were ready for the Saiyans.
PICCOLO: (telepathically) Ready for the what now?
KAMI: (telepathically) Didn’t Mr. Popo tell you? There are two Saiyans headed towards the Earth as we speak. Both several times more powerful than the last one you faced. They should be landing pretty soon-- within a few days, in fact.
PICCOLO: New plan, Gohan, we’re going to kick some Saiyan ass!
GOHAN: Um, okay?
PICCOLO: (telepathically) You’re still there, aren’t you?
KAMI: (telepathically) I’m just so lonely...
PICCOLO: (out loud) Get out of my head!