NARRATOR: This is a story, of a world of adventure; a sea, full of excitement; and a man, full of dreams, and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top!

LUFFY: My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be king of the--

(TV static, the channel changes)

BELLA: Oh, yes! I love you, Edward.

EDWARD: And I love you, Bella.


EDWARD: Hold on. Who is it?

ALUCARD: (offscreen) Oh, you know... (appears, shoots Edward) A real fucking vampire.

(title sequence)

ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl. Do you have the target?

POLICE GIRL: Okay, Master, my name is Seras. And yes, I have the target in sight.

ALUCARD: Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.

POLICE GIRL: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could--

ALUCARD: She's getting away. She's running!

POLICE GIRL: I get it! I'm loading up the--

ALUCARD: Going to miss it. Going to miss it!

POLICE GIRL: Just be quiet and let me--!

ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl! Hey! Hey, Police Girl!

(Police Girl shoots Bella)


ALUCARD: Oh, you are just a treat.

CAPTION: One Week Earlier

ALUCARD: (voiceover) Now I know what you're thinking: "How did all this come about?" Well, it all started in a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was fiull, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire... mwahahaha-- it's funny.

PRIEST: So, you came. Too bad you're far too late.


PRIEST: Everyone else is already dead. Except for this little tart. (holds Police Girl) But trust me, I still plan to kill her.

ALUCARD: Mmm-hm.

PRIEST: But first... I'm going to rape her.


PRIEST: But before I can do any of that... I'm going to kill you!

ALUCARD: Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were, (mockingly) well, intimidating.

PRIEST: Grr... are you mocking me?!

ALUCARD: Oh no, no, no no no no. Pffft, yeah.

(Shot through the heart)

ALUCARD: Well, that should about wrap things up here.

(Police Girl dying with a hole in her chest)

ALUCARD: Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you'll find a way to forgive me.

POLICE GIRL: (Still choking to death)

ALUCARD: Oh, jeez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy!

POLICE GIRL: Ugggh, gg, gh...

ALUCARD: Christ, fine, I'll help you! But only because you've got nice tits.

(Scene change: Integra on the phone)

INTEGRA: So that's your field report?


INTEGRA: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight...


INTEGRA: You killed a homicidal vampire priest...


INTEGRA: And then you turned someone into a vampire... who happened to be a--

ALUCARD: (speaking along Integra) --big-titted police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this! Now, if you don't mind... I've got things to do.

INTEGRA: What "things"? You don't do "things".

ALUCARD: Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.

INTEGRA: And kill homicidal vampire priests.

ALUCARD: Very enthusiastic walks.

CAPTION: One Week Later

INTEGRA: So that's your field report?


INTEGRA: So you broke into the house...


INTEGRA: And you shot him thirty-six times...

ALUCARD: Thirty-seven.

INTEGRA: And took out his partner.

ALUCARD: To be fair, that was the police girl. With the big titties

INTEGRA: You need to stop going on walks.

ALUCARD: And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here.

INTEGRA: Ugh... listen. You have an assignment in Ireland.

ALUCARD: Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot it with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?

INTEGRA: Sweet Christ...! Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.

ALUCARD: Oh, come on, I have to bring her everywhere.

INTEGRA: Ah ah ah, none of the sass!

ALUCARD: Yes, Mooom~



ANDERSON: So what can I do for ya, Father O'mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... Ah-who is also Italian.

FATHER: Tell-a me, Anderson: What is your favorite thing to do?

ANDERSON: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ at the many people of the world. Teaching peace and love for all.

FATHER: And-a killing-a vampires?

ANDERSON: Ah, just try ta fuckin' stop me.

FATHER: And what about... Protestants?

ANDERSON: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane so I can put'em in a hearse!

(Scene: Ireland)

ALUCARD: (offscreen) Hey, Police Girl! Police Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in. Seriously, there's like, forty zombies in here. Just one shot to the head and they explode! (gunshot) Just like House of the Dead, only like, a hundred times more awesome!

POLICE GIRL: (entering) Ugh, fine! I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun. (headshots a zombie) Oh fuck the hell, yes.

ALUCARD: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath. If I wasn't holding off on that beast of a woman Integra, I'd fuck the red out of those eyes. (the police girl gets stabbed by a dozen bayonets) Well, kinda like that; only with less symbolism and more "my penis in your vagina". (sniffs the air) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress!

ANDERSON: Ah, look at what we have here... a bloody heathen!

ALUCARD: Excuse me, but I'm a fuckmothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get this title! I deserve to be called such.

ANDERSON: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?

ALUCARD: Only if you give yours first, papist.

ANDERSON: Fine, I'll give you the courtesy. The name's--!

(Scene change)

WALTER: Alexander Anderson.

INTEGRA: Oh, fuck all kinds of duck...!

(Scene change)

ANDERSON: You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world! You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later. (Smacks blades together) Except you won't... 'cuz I'll have killed ya! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...!

ALUCARD: Oh my! Brilliant speech. And unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints.

ANDERSON: What? No it isn't. I came up with it a week ago!

ALUCARD: Whatever. We're here for the vampire.

ANDERSON: The only one left here is your sorry pale arse.

POLICE GIRL: (Choking)

ALUCARD: Yeah, yeah, gimme a minute. (To Anderson) So what do you want anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least 10 kilometers away.

ANDERSON: It is your corrupt acclaim! It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!

ALUCARD: Boondock... Saints! Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously! (Chuckles) Get it?

ANDERSON: Okay, you know what? Fuck it. Knife.

ALUCARD: "Knife"? (Gets stabbed) Huuaah...!


ALUCARD: Boom. (Shoots Anderson) Headshot. Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Count Choc--"

(Anderson decapitates him)


ANDERSON: Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, "Frankenber--"

(Finds Police Girl and Alucard's head have disappeared)

ANDERSON: Son of a Protestant whore! Well, you know what time it is.

CAPTION: (Anderson wields blades) RAPE

(Scene change - Police Girl is carrying Alucard's head)

POLICE GIRL: See? This kind of shit is why I stopped going to church.

ALUCARD: (Attempting telepathy) Police Girl... Poliiice Girl... You are reading your master's mind. Put my head between your boooobs.

POLICE GIRL: Now I'm all alone... the only one I had left was you.

ALUCARD: (Attempting telepathyVery good! Now the next thing I want you to do is put me between your legs!

(Stabbed by flying blade)

ALUCARD: (thinkingGoddammit!

ANDERSON: It's a shame for you lost your head

A careless vampire who wound up dead

You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize

Too many lies... Too many lies...

POLICE GIRL: (thinkingWhat do I do? What do I do!? I... I could try seducing him. Wait no, I'm not an eight year-old boy! SHIT!

ANDERSON: Say your prayers, wee lass!

(Blades destroyed by gunfire)

INTEGRA: That girl belongs to me.

ANDERSON: Well, aren't you the naughty one!

INTEGRA: Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head!

ANDERSON: What the hell do, you want you crazy Protestant bastard?

INTEGRA: I'm a woman.

ANDERSON: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard.

INTEGRA: You do know this is a grave violation of our agreement.

ANDERSON: And what part would that be?

INTEGRA: The part where you're here... killing my men!

(Anderson kills her men)

ANDERSON: I have no idea what you're on about! I'm just here doin' my job! Killin' vampires, an' werewolves, an' leprechauns. I never actually found one, but do ya think if I cut one open with ma knife, it would spill out Lucky Charms?!

INTEGRA: Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard?!

ANDERSON: Oh, him? I killed him!

INTEGRA: Killed him?

ANDERSON: Cut off his bloody head!

INTEGRA: Oh! Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?

ANDERSON: (Seeing Alucard regenerate) Ah, Christ!

ALUCARD: You done goofed.

ANDERSON: How the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that??

ALUCARD: Fuck you, that's how.

ANDERSON: You know what? I've had enough of this. To hell with all you dirty heathens!

ALUCARD: Eat me! Don't forget to write!

POLICE GIRL: Oh... oh my God... We survived!

ALUCARD: Sooo...


ALUCARD: Do I get to go after him?


ALUCARD: Aww, come on!

INTEGRA: No, and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks, it has to be some kind of large organized group.

ALUCARD: Like the Nazis?

INTEGRA: That would be retarded.

CAPTION: Meanwhile...

(Scene change)

MAJOR: Gentlemen... ve... are Nazis...

NAZIS: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

MAJOR: Und we... will have war~

NAZIS: Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

MAJOR: Und ve... U-UND VE...! ATCHUUH!

NAZIS: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!

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