NARRATOR: This is a story, of a world of adventure; a sea, full of excitement; and a man, full of dreams, and a passion that seeks to drive him to the top!

LUFFY: My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be king of the--

(TV static, the channel changes)

BELLA: Oh, yes! I love you, Edward.

EDWARD: And I love you, Bella.


EDWARD: Hold on. Who is it?

ALUCARD: (offscreen) Oh, you know. (appears, shoots Edward) A real fucking vampire.

(title sequence)

ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl. Do you have the target?

POLICE GIRL: Okay, Master, my name is Seras. And yes, I've the target in sight.

ALUCARD: Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away.

POLICE GIRL: If you just give me a second to concentrate, I could--

ALUCARD: She's getting away. She's running...

POLICE GIRL: I get it! I'm loading up the--

ALUCARD: You're gonna miss it. You're going to miss it...

POLICE GIRL: Just be quiet and let me--

ALUCARD: Hey, Police Girl. Hey. Hey, Police Girl...

(Police Girl shoots Bella)

POLICE GIRL: There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead, there's blood everywhere!

ALUCARD: Oh, you are just a treat.

CAPTION: One Week Earlier

ALUCARD: (voiceover) Now I know what you're thinking. How did all this come about? Well, it all started in a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was fiull, I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. (laughs) It's funny.

PRIEST: So, you came. Too bad you're far too late.


PRIEST: Everyone else is already dead. Except for this little tart. (holds Police Girl) But trust me, I still plan to kill her.

ALUCARD: Mmm-hm.

PRIEST: But first, I'm going to rape her.


PRIEST: But before I could do any of that, I'm going to kill you!

ALUCARD: Oh? See, that would be intimidating if you were, well, intimidating.

PRIEST: Grr... are you mocking me?

ALUCARD: Oh no, no, no no no no. Pffft, yeah.

(Shot through the heart)

ALUCARD: Well, that should about wrap things up here.

(Police Girl dying with a hole in her chest)

ALUCARD: Oh, yeah, forgot about you. Sorry about that whole "shooting you" thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart, which is currenlty all over that tree, you'll find a way to forgive me. Oh, jeez, you look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.

POLICE GIRL: Ugggh, gg, gh

ALUCARD: Christ, fine, I'll help you! But only because you got nice tits.

(Scene change: Integra on the phone)

INTEGRA: So that's your... field report.


INTEGRA: You went on a walk through the forest at midnight.


INTEGRA: You killed a homicidal vampire priest.


INTEGRA: And then you turned someone into a vampire, who happened to be a--

ALUCARD: (speaking along Integra) --big-titted police girl. Yes! It's like I didn't just get through explaining this. Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do.

INTEGRA: What things? You don't do things.

ALUCARD: Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.

INTEGRA: And... kill homicidal vampire priests.

ALUCARD: Very enthusiastic walks.

CAPTION: One Week Later

INTEGRA: So that's your... field report.


INTEGRA: So you broke into the house...


INTEGRA: ...and you shot him thirty-six times.

ALUCARD: Thirty-seven.

INTEGRA: And took out his partner.

ALUCARD: To be fair, that was the police girl. With the big titties

INTEGRA: You need to stop going on walks.

ALUCARD: And you need to hurry up and hook up some goddamn DSL in here.

INTEGRA: Ugh, listen. You have an assignment in Ireland.

ALUCARD: Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot it with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?

INTEGRA: Sweet Christ. Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital, and bring the police girl with you.

ALUCARD: Oh, come on, I have to bring her everywhere.

INTEGRA: Ah ah ah, none of the sass.

ALUCARD: Yes, mom.



ANDERSON: So what can I do for ya, Father O'mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan. Ah-who is also Italian.

FATHER: Tell-a me, Anderson. What is your favorite thing to do?

ANDERSON: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ at the many people of the world. Teaching peace and love for all.

FATHER: And killing vampires?

ANDERSON: Ah, just try ta fucking stop me.

FATHER: And what about protestants?

ANDERSON: Second verse, same as the first. Now put me on a plane, so I can put'em in a hearse.

(Scene: Ireland)

ALUCARD: (offscreen) Hey Police Girl, Poliiice Girl, this is awesome! You can totally join in. Seriously, there's, like, forty zombies in here. Just one shot in the head and they explooode (gunshot) Just like House of the Dead, only like, a hundred times more awesome.

POLICE GIRL: (entering) Ugh fine, I'll shoot some of the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun. (headshots a zombie) Oh fuck the hell yes!

ALUCARD: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath. If I wasn't holding off on that beast of a woman Integra, I'd fuck the red out of those eyes. (the police girl gets stabbed by a dozen bayonets) Well, kinda like that, ony with less symbolism and more "my penis in your vagina". (sniffs the air) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress!

ANDERSON: Ah, look at what we have here! A bloody heathen.

ALUCARD: Excuse me, but I'm a fuckmothering vampire; I killed a lot of people to get this title, I deserve to be called such.

ANDERSON: Well then, mind if I ask you your name?

ALUCARD: Only if you give yours first, papist.


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