The following is the transcript for TheCrimsonFuckr, Episode 3 of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
Transcript[]
JAN: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse...? The fuck is this?! You assholes brought me back from the dead to read this legal bullshit?! No no no no no. FUCK. THAT! If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kind of fucking line.
(Clears throat)
My THROBBING VAMPIRE DICK is a fan-based parody. Its SHAFT, BALLS and SCROTUM are property of me, JAN VALENTINE. And whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support MY DICK by helping with its official release. You know you want to...
(flashback)
VAN HELSING: Vampire king...
ALUCARD: (groaning)
VAN HELSING: You lay upon ze blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered... dominions in ruin... servants destroyed - all to end ze hellfire wis which you sought to cover ze world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to ze ground, and over 20,000 impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! Vhat say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb?! WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!
ALUCARD: (Beat) ...The Aristocrats.
VAN HELSING: Durgh! (he strikes Alucard, after which the flashback ends and Alucard wakes up in the Hellsing Mansion)
ALUCARD: Oh God... It's orientation day!
(Scene change)
INTEGRA: Listen close. You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards to the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets: Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of... (titters)... a mystical persuasion.
WILD GEESE: (laughing)
BERNADOTTE: Well... is there anything else we should be informed about the facility?
INTEGRA: Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing.
ALUCARD: HEY-KIDS, WANNA-SEE-A-DEAD-BODY?!
WILD GEESE: (screaming)
(Title sequence)
WILD GEESE: (still screaming)
INTEGRA: STOP SCREAMING!
WILD GEESE: (whimpering like dogs)
ALUCARD: So what's up with the pride meeting?
INTEGRA: They're a mercenary group contracted to replace all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers'--
ALUCARD: Wait... are these guys French?
INTEGRA: We were forced to post mortality rates. They're the only ones who applied.
ALUCARD: We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.
WALTER: Sir Integra, I apologize; I tried to stop him. But when I pleaded with him, he merely responded with, and mind my French, (to Bernadotte) no offense...
BERNADOTTE: Some taken.
WALTER: ..."Fuck the police". He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.
ALUCARD: (maniacal laughter)
INTEGRA: (sigh), Oh God. Walking through that hallway is going to give me such a headache now.
WALTER: Speaking of headaches, a very curious letter arrived for you in the mail.
INTEGRA: Enrico Maxwell? That filthy, slimy, arrogant, Italian PIECE OF SH--! (Scene change) Maxwell, oh it's been far too long.
MAXWELL: I agree. You're no longer that little girl I used to know. Look at all those lines on your face.
INTEGRA: And look at all the brown on your nose. How is the Pope doing?
MAXWELL: Better than your failing church.
INTEGRA: Well, not all of us can exploit illegals.
MAXWELL: But you don't waste time making money off Rupert Murdoch!
ALUCARD: Honestly, if you're going to have a dickfighting competition with a woman, you must have started off with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the 9 year-old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right! Generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God... all over his back.
MAXWELL: (crushes his glasses) ANDERSOOON!!
ANDERSON: Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling.
ALUCARD: You got me a present?!
ANDERSON: Kiss the son lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way... when his wrath is kindled but a little!
(Alucard and Anderson laugh in a disturbing manner)
SERAS: Right this way, group B! That's right! Right'n front'a everyone else! You're 80! You're used to it. We're going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art. I don't know! I'm Cockney! I'm uncultured!
ALUCARD: Uhh. Welp, my boner's gone.
ANDERSON: Aye. Kind of a mood killer.
ALUCARD: Wanna try this again some other time?
ANDERSON: Of course! Kill you later, ya monstrous heathen.
ALUCARD: You too, you Catholic sociopath. Whoops, tautology!
MAXWELL: ...You want some coffee?
INTEGRA: I'd love some.
(Scene change)
INTEGRA: So... the letter you sent never specified the purpose of this meeting.
MAXWELL: Consider this a business transaction. I have two pieces of information that I wish to trade with you.
INTEGRA: And what would those be?
MAXWELL: The true identity of Millennium.
INTEGRA: Who?
MAXWELL: The organization who assailed your compound.
INTEGRA: Oh yeah; there was some debate over that.
MAXWELL: And the whereabouts of said Millennium.
INTEGRA: And what could you possibly want in exchange?
MAXWELL: Oh, nothing major. Just two simple apologies from you and your subordinate known as "TheCrimsonFuckr"! Also known as Alucard.
INTEGRA: ...So you want an apology from me.
MAXWELL: I figured, but didn't want to assume.
INTEGRA: And, by chance, what would I have to apologize to the Iscariot Organization for?
MAXWELL: Well, originally I'd ask you to apologize for being a scum-sucking, blaspheming, ignorant, Protestant pig sow! But in this case, the sins of your pet vampire are of greater concern.
INTEGRA: What did he do this time?
MAXWELL: Over the last couple of years, he has sent no less than 200 death threats to the Pope. By carrier pigeon, no less! They just... fly right into the Vatican! The latest one read as such... (clears throat) "Dear Chief Replacement..."
ALUCARD: (continues reading letter) "I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with."
"That's right."
"I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey."
"Follow me on Twitter @TheCrimsonFuckr!"
MAXWELL: "Sincerely, Alucard".
INTEGRA: ...I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
MAXWELL: Soo... that apology~?
INTEGRA: (sigh)... I'm sor-- (Scene: Hellsing Mansion) So that's where they are.
WALTER: Interesting. But do you think Alucard will go?
INTEGRA: Not as long as it's an order.
WALTER: I think I have an idea...
(Scene change)
WALTER: Did you know you have vacation days?
ALUCARD: I have vacation days!? You mean I can leave anytime I want and not get yelled at over the phone? Because seriously, it's always over the phone! Mostly because I don't like to argue with her in person. I get a boner. It's super awkward.
WALTER: Quite.
ALUCARD: Well, that settles it. I'm going traveling!
WALTER: Yes, you can go anywhere you wish... except for Brazil. Sir Integra was quite insistent that you never visit Brazil.
(Beats)
ALUCARD: Takin'-the-police-girl-and-the-Frenchman.
(Scene: Hellsing private jet)
BERNADOTTE: So where is the police girl?
ALUCARD: Oh you know, she's downstairs.
BERNADOTTE: Isn't that the cargo hold?
SERAS: (muffled; weeping) I have a fear of flying, coffins, and tight place-heess...!
(Scene: Brazil)
ALUCARD: Jesus wants a hug!
HOTEL CLERK: There we are - a regular two bedroom.
ALUCARD: Hilarious. No, I want the penthouse.
HOTEL CLERK: I'm... sorry, sir. Mr. Chevy Chase currently has that room reserved.
ALUCARD: (echo) I said... (normal voice) you want to give me the penthouse.
HOTEL CLERK: I... want to give you the penthouse.
ALUCARD: And you want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
HOTEL CLERK: And I want to kick out Chevy Chase because he's an asshole.
ALUCARD: See this, Frenchie? I can make him say whatever I want. (to clerk) White Chicks was amazing.
HOTEL CLERK: White Chicks was amazing!
ALUCARD: He believes it too!
BERNADOTTE: Eugh!
(Scene change)
SPY: Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. I repeat: TheCrimsonFuckr has checked in. Also, I'm choosing the goddamn nicknames next time!
BERNADOTTE: So, if zis doesn't sound weird... would you... maybe like to get a drink later? Hit up a club?
ALUCARD: You're not my friend, you're my body guard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood.
BERNADOTTE: Jeez, fine!
ALUCARD: Also, tell that guy to stop spying on me; it's creepy!
SPY: Shit-shit-shit!
ALUCARD: Now that I'm all by myself... I can just kick back and reeeela--
(Scene change; sirens and shouting heard on TV)
REPORTER: Shots fired from the penthouse suite on the top floor.
BERNADOTTE: (during broadcast) What?
REPORTER: The initial SWAT team has not reported back, leading officials to fear the worst.
(Bernadotte does a beer spittake)
(Scene change)
REPORTER: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman, and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker.
ANDERSON: (during broadcast) Ah ha ha, ah ha ha ha.
(Scene: Hellsing Mansion)
INTEGRA: On the phone. Get-him-on-the-phone! I-want-him-on-the-phone-RIGHT-NOW!
(Scene change)
(Ringtone)
ALUCARD: Hold on a minute, I gotta take this.(answers phone) Yello~?
INTEGRA: What. Did you do?
ALUCARD: Alright. (beat) But you can't be mad at me.
INTEGRA: What. Did you do?
ALUCARD: Okay, first... I was minding my own business.
INTEGRA: (Slams desk) BULLSHIT!
ALUCARD: I waaas!
INTEGRA: And exactly what happened whilst you were "minding your own business"?
ALUCARD: So, I was just chillaxin' in my room like a baller, then all of a sudden these shmucks kicked in my door!
(Flashback: SWAT team makes forced entry into Alucard's room)
(present) One of them yelled out:
SWAT GUY: (flashback) Get on your knees!
ALUCARD: (present) And I responded with: (flashback) I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT! (present) ...And they took exception to that.
SWAT GUY: (flashback) Aaargh!
(SWAT team shoot Alucard down to a bloody pulp)
ALUCARD: (present) But, you know how that song and dance goes...
SWAT GUY: (flashback) Huh?
(Alucard decimates the team down to a man)
ALUCARD: (present) ...Aaand I killed all but one of them.
INTEGRA: What happened to the last one?
(Flashback: Remaining operative whimpers in fear before firing a bullet in his own head)
ALUCARD: (present) Pussed out like a bitch! Silver lining - I can cancel my room service!
(Scene change)
(Sirens and shouting)
OFFICER: So, we've sent like, 10 guys up there and we haven't heard back. Think everything's alright?
DANDY MAN: Naturalmente, don't worry about it. Of course everything's fine.
OFFICER: Well... no matter what we're still going to get our immortality, right?
DANDY MAN: Buddy, my friend, do I look like the kinda guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way... you may want to send more men.
OFFICER: Well, that sounds reasonable.
(Scene change)
ALUCARD: (in-between feeding on the SWAT team) You've been like, really quiet for like, five minutes. (feeding) Oh I know why you're angry! It's because I went to Brazil, isn't it?
INTEGRA: Alucard... put the police girl on the phone.
ALUCARD: Really? You want to talk to-- ...Okay, fine. Whatever. (muffled; to Seras) Take the fucking call.
SERAS: (muffled) What does she want?
ALUCARD: (muffled) I don't fucking know, she wanted to talk to you. I'm going for a walk. (closes door)
SERAS: 'Ello?
INTEGRA: Whatever you do, do not let Alucard leave that room, under any circumstance!
SERAS: Actually, he just left. He said he was going for a walk.
INTEGRA: NOOO!
(Scene: Alucard walks into a hallway with multiple SWAT guns trained on him)
ALUCARD: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (Operatives fire at will) APPARENTLY, IT'S GREAT! (proceedes to massacre operatives)
INTEGRA: (in despair) Walter... be honest with me... What are we looking at in terms of collateral?
WALTER: Well... (Scene: Alucard exits full of dead operatives) ...the Alucard amount.
(Bystanders scream as the massacre continues outside)
DANDY MAN: I heard you know how to make an entrance. If I had known you were going to do all this, I'd have hung some Union Jacks for you.
ALUCARD: Hold on... did you put all this on for me? Who are you?
DANDY MAN: I am Tubalcain Alhambra, or the "Dandy Man". I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.
ALUCARD: And they fuckin' bought that?
DANDY MAN: Like discount peixe.
ALUCARD: (amused) You cheeky dick-waffle! So then, what's the deal?
DANDY MAN: A cute choice of words. I wish to play a card game, vampiro.
ALUCARD: What, we talking 52 Pickup?
DANDY MAN: Noo; more like 52 CUTUP!
(Dandy Man and Alucard commence hostilities)
ALUCARD: Hit mee~! Whoop!
INTEGRA: (watching the TV) Oh my God, why are they doing this outside?! (battle continues) Well at least he's just dodging them. (Alucard continually fires bullets (which miss and kill the police instead) at DM) Oh come on, that was on purpose!
(Alucard shoots the "Dandy Man", who turns out to be a clone made of cards)
ALUCARD: So, he can make card clones.
(An explosion knocks him off his feet)
DANDY MAN: You activated my trap card. (snaps fingers)
ALUCARD: Oh boy! (caught in subsequent explosion)
DANDY MAN: (chuckles)
ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Dick! (beat) You missed! (as he runs up a building) Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop-woop!
(Scene change)
(General urgent chatter)
OFFICER 2: Do you think Alhambra can take him?
OFFICER: Calm down man, it's fine. I'm just focused on what I'm gonna do with my immortality.
OFFICER 2: Joke's on you; I'm getting double immortality! Huh--?
(Bernadotte (disguised as a SWAT operative) shoots police in the tent)
BERNADOTTE: Un... deux... trois, quatre, cinq...
GUARD: No, no no no no--!
(Bernadotte continue to shoot)
BERNADOTTE: Six, sept... (hums La Marseillaise as he casually walks out of the tent, then detonates the tent and exhales) ...Now let's see what he thinks about having zat drink with me...
(Scene: Alucard on his knees with a long trail of blood behind him)
ALUCARD: (winces)... Could use a drink right now. Not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore. Guy's got magic cards... and magic hands.
DANDY MAN: Tell me, Alucard - are you a betting man?
ALUCARD: I believe that's your shtick.
DANDY MAN: I'd like to make a little bet with you, vagabundo. I'll end your life... with one hand.
ALUCARD: I'll take that bet. Now... HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT! (DM flings two cards at him, to no effect) Oh, shame for you...
DEMONIC!ALUCARD: ...You activated my Alu-card.
DANDY MAN: What? (blocks gunshot) Que merda? (blocks more gunshots)
SERAS: GET SOOOOOOME!
DANDY MAN: (still blocking gunshots) Guh! Putaaa!
SERAS: Trump this! (fires another bullet, which DM slices in half with a card)
DANDY MAN: I'm getting real tired of this shit!
D!ALUCARD: You and me both. (breaks DM's left leg with a kick to the knee)
DANDY MAN: (screaming)
D!ALUCARD: Now show me your hand... DAAANDY MAAAAN!
(Alucard carves DM's left arm in half lengthways with his hand)
DANDY MAN: (screams in excruciating agony, then whimpers when Alucard grasps his face)
ALUCARD: Hey, Dandy Man?
DANDY MAN: Huh?
ALUCARD: You lost.
DANDY MAN: Uh-huh.
ALUCARD: And now I have to read your mind...
DANDY MAN: Huh?
ALUCARD: ...by drinking all of your blood.
DANDY MAN: (whimpering / screaming)
ALUCARD: Om nom nom nom! (Chomps DM on the neck, then enters his mind and sees a bunch of garish colors) The fuck is this...? The fuck is that...? The fuck are those?
(Vision changes to the Major with a Nazi flag behind him; Alucard starts laughing and clapping)
SERAS: ...Master?
ALUCARD: Hold on! I need to tweet about this.
(Scene: Integra accesses Alucard's Twitter page and sees a Tweet marked "IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire", then sighs in disgust)
WALTER: Sir Integra, is something the matter?
INTEGRA: It's the fucking--!
(Scene: Nazi HQ)
MAJOR: Naziiiis~!
DOCTOR: I am so sorry, Major, for ze failure of ze Dandy Man.
MAJOR: Ah, give it a rest, Herr Doctor. He was a Brazilian DOG who died feeding a much bigger beast a valuable piece of information.
DOCTOR: But Major, now that they know of our plans--
MAJOR: Ahh~, Herr Doctor~, but that is the plan. Now zat zey know our plan, zey will plan around our plan, and so ve shall in turn plan around ze plan that zey are planning around our plan!
DOCTOR: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
MAJOR: And regardless... we have one advantage that zey sorely lack~... ZEPPELINS!