JEICE: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(cuts to Guru's house)
GURU: And so I tell him, "I don't care who you are! Now clean my jowls!" And that was Nail's first day on the job.
NAIL: Yes, sir... I remember, I was there. That also doesn't have anything to do with what we were talking about.
GURU: What were we talking about?
NAIL: That ungodly POWER headed our way! (shows Freeza flying his way to Guru's house)
GURU: Oh yeah... that.
NAIL: You know, perhaps you should give someone else that power-up. You remember, the one you gave the Earthlings?
GURU: You are correct. It is time for me to unlock your hidden powers... Dende.
(Guru unlocks Dende's hidden potential)
DENDE: Ahh, what the hell?!
GURU: And now, your power has been awakened.
DENDE: I noticed!
NAIL: Sir, I was referring to ME--!
GURU: Now listen to me, Dende. With these powers, you garner a huge responsibility. I need you to run as fast as you can to the Earthlin--
NAIL: Sir, he left you the moment after you gave him the power-up.
(shows Dende flying away from a window)
GURU: That SLUT!
["SANJOU!! GINYU TOKUSENTAI!!" OPENING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to outside Freeza's ship with Jeice reporting to Captain Ginyu about what just happened)
JEICE: Then out of nowhere, this stupid guy in this stupid outfit starts beating us up, and I lost me best mate, and--
CAPTAIN GINYU: Jeice! You'll speak to me professionally and dutifully.
JEICE: (now calm) Oh, um... Sorry, cap'n.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Now, Jeice, back from the field. Full report.
JEICE: Well, see, at first it was going fine... but next thing we know, Guldo... well...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Oh lord, he's dead, isn't he...?
JEICE: That he is, sir...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Well... in our line of work, our lives can be compromised at any moment. This is something we must live with. On the plus side, Burter owes me 50 Raditz.
JEICE: About that, cap'n... he's probably not gonna pay up.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Really? He's usually such a good sport about that.
JEICE: Thing is, he's come down with a sudden case of death, sir.
CAPTAIN GINYU: (sincerely upset) Oh... that's... wow. That's a rather hefty loss.
JEICE: Yes, sir. He was a valued teammate. Strong, fast, and--
CAPTAIN GINYU: And blue!
JEICE: Pardon, cap'n?
CAPTAIN GINYU: Blue! And tall! And you're so red! And short! It was the perfect little yin-yang thing we had going!
JEICE: (muttering) Not that short, cap'n.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Oh, don't go all Vegeta on me. Now, where are we going to find another blue recruit? Perhaps Recoome knows someone.
JEICE: (lets out a disgusted sigh)
CAPTAIN GINYU: He's dead too, isn't he...?
CAPTAIN GINYU: Well, did he at least die with dignity?
(Shows a shot of Recoome lying face down on the ground, his naked ass in the air. Buzzing flies are heard.)
JEICE: Define "dignity", sir.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Uhhh... Well, Jeice, I believe the next step is obvious. We, as professionals, cannot allow this act to go unabated. We have a job to finish, and we shall see it through.
JEICE: Yes, sir!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Ginyu Force, away!
(Captain Ginyu and Jeice fly off in the distance)
(cuts to the battlefield showing Goku, Gohan, Krillin, and Vegeta)
GOKU: Sure is nice to see you guys again. But I sure can't help but feel that someone's missing.
KRILLIN: Oh yeah, Bulma!
GOHAN: What do you think she's up to?
KRILLIN: Probably something girly...
(cuts to Bulma in a mech suit fighting a giant crab underwater, with "Crabplosion" playing in the background)
♪Killing crabs... in the ocean♪
♪Kill it fast... pain explosion♪
(cuts back to Krillin and Gohan)
KRILLIN: ...like her hair.
VEGETA: Your idiotic banter is charming, but if you haven't noticed, we're pretty much screwed here.
GOKU: What? Why?
VEGETA: Freeza has the DragonBalls, you dolt! Which basically means we're already dead.
KRILLIN: Actually, not really.
VEGETA: Oh? Something you know that I don't?
KRILLIN: A lot of things, actually.
VEGETA: ... You have five seconds to rephrase that. 4... 3...
KRILLIN: Actually, what I meant to say was, when you make a wish on the DragonBalls, the sky turns darker than the blackest void…
(cuts to Mr. Popo on Earth)
MR. POPO: Hm?
(cuts back to Krillin)
KRILLIN: And out of the balls... rises a giant dragon! So yeah, none of that.
VEGETA: ... 2... 1...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Hi, Vegeta.
VEGETA: Hi, Ginyu... (realizes that Captain Ginyu and Jeice has arrived) Ugh...
JEICE: (referring to Goku) That's him, cap'n! That's the one who beat us up!
CAPTAIN GINYU: What? Just look at his hair! He looks like he just got out of bed! For goodness sakes, Jeice, he's even wearing pajamas!
JEICE: I swear it, sir. He picked us apart one by one. We never stood a cha-- (Goku punches him in the face) Aaah! Oh, that's just not fair!
CAPTAIN GINYU: Jeice, what have I told you?
VEGETA: You know, I'm surprised you're here, Ginyu. I thought you'd be busy polishing Freeza's boots.
CAPTAIN GINYU: First off, Lord Freeza doesn't wear boots. Second, if he did, I'd have already polished them. Third, he's off chasing some leftover Namekians.
VEGETA: Wait, so Freeza's not at the ship...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Correct.
VEGETA: And you're here...
CAPTAIN GINYU: That's right.
VEGETA: And the average power level of Freeza's soldiers is...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Two thousand.
GOKU: Krillin! Gohan! Get out of here and find Bulma. Vegeta and I can handle this on our own.
KRILLIN: Oh, no! I mean, I'd really hate to leave you on your own, you know, but if you say so, LET'S GO, GOHAN! (flies away with Gohan)
GOHAN: Be careful, Dad!
GOKU: All right, Vegeta. We have to put our differences aside for now, and take these guys as a team.
VEGETA: Yeah, that's fantastic and entertaining and all that... but first, if you don't mind me... I need to use the restroom.
GOKU: Oh, okay.
VEGETA: About a hundred miles away. (flies off)
GOKU: ...He has a very nervous bladder. (gets elbowed in the face by Captain Ginyu)
(cuts to Freeza flying to Guru's house in his bubble car)
FREEZA: (thinking) So, for the first century, I'll go easy on them, lure them into a false sense of security, and then when they think I'm not so bad, BAM! I'll go full tyrant on them in the second century. After that, I'll disappear for a millennia and make them wonder if I ever existed to begin with... just to come back and kill them all.
(Freeza flies pass Dende, who's travelling in the opposite direction. Dende gives Freeza a nasty glare)
FREEZA: Good afternoon.
DENDE: It's morning. (in Namekian/Klingon) Douche.
FREEZA: Cute kid. Seems familiar.
(Freeza speeds up and arrives at Guru's house, his bubble car making a Jetsons' sound effect while descending to ground level. Freeza then gets out of his bubble care and gets confronted by...)
NAIL: What do you want?
FREEZA: Ah, good sir, I suppose you could say I'm looking for technical support.
GURU: (from inside his house) Naaaaaaiiiiil, do we have a visitor?
NAIL: Yes, sir.
GURU: (from inside his house) Naaaaiiil, take his coat.
FREEZA: I don't have a coat.
NAIL: He doesn't have a coat, sir. And I believe this is the man who basically killed our entire race.
GURU: (from inside his house, sounding a bit annoyed) Naaaiil, don't take his coat.
FREEZA: You see, I recently acquired what you people refer to as "DragonBalls"... but I'm having trouble getting them to do what I want.
NAIL: Did you try working the shaft?
FREEZA: (lowers his head) Classy.
GURU: (from inside his house) Naaaail, what does he want?
NAIL: He's asking how to use the DragonBalls.
GURU: (from inside his house) Did you tell him to work the shaft?
NAIL: Yes, Lord Guru.
GURU: (from inside his house) Good work, Nail.
FREEZA: I have the distinct impression you're going to be difficult.
NAIL: Well, sir, if you're having a problem with our customer support, you can call 1-800-eat-a-d**k.
GURU: (from inside his house) We don't even HAVE those!!
FREEZA: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. What IS that? (shoots eyes laser at Guru's house, blowing up the top part and revealing Guru)
GURU: Oh, God, NATURAL LIGHT!
FREEZA: Good lord! I was led to believe your species survived entirely on water. How is he so FAT?!
GURU: Oh, hello, I'm Super Kami Guru, and I'm the guy who's NOT judging you on your appearance.
FREEZA: Well, my name is Freeza; ruler of most of the known galaxy. I'm here to offer you a deal. You give me the information I require, and I'll let the sporting young man live.
GURU: Please. Nail isn't afraid of you... He is the strongest of our race!
FREEZA: Oh, really?
NAIL: (nervously) Uh, sir?
GURU: Yeah, Nail's gonna destroy your sorry ass. They wouldn't be able to air it on the news because it'll be so BRUTAL!
NAIL: (desperately trying to get Guru's attention) Sir, seriously--!
GURU: Hush, Nail! I'm speaking for you.
FREEZA: (puts on his scouter) Well, then, If this is the only course of action available to me, I accept. I'll dispatch of this worm and then I'll be back for you, slug.
GURU: Leave my brother out of this!
NAIL: Sir, his power is overwhelming! I can also sense it's only a fraction of what he's capable of!
GURU: Nail, listen to me... You are Namek's number one son. A prodigy child. You have been trained in the ancient ways... I believe in you.
NAIL: You... mean that, Lord Guru?
GURU: Yes, Nail... Now show him the staggering spirit of Namek... and waste his smug ass!
NAIL: Yes sir! (to Freeza) Follow me! (leaves with Frieza to a different location to do battle)
GURU: Fool... If I had trained him in the NEW way, he might have stood a chance.
(cuts to Goku and Ginyu fighting in the air)
CAPTAIN GINYU: You have an interesting form and a surprisingly well-honed technique.
GOKU: And you're purple!
(both Goku and Captain Ginyu jump back)
CAPTAIN GINYU: I'm sufficiently impressed. You've held your own very well. But your form and grace will never compare to that of the illustrious CAPTAIN GINYU! (strikes a pose)
GOKU: (mimicking Captain Ginyu's pose) You mean, like this?
CAPTAIN GINYU: (blushing) Oh, God! Is that what I look like? Jeice! That isn't what I look like, is it?
JEICE: No, cap'n! You look amazing!
GOKU: No offense, but this is boring... Like, really boring... Like, listening to Gohan’s piano recital boring...
CAPTAIN GINYU: I realized these poses in an effort to invigorate my men and raise morale! How DARE you mock them?!
GOKU: Well, I mean, it's just.. I'm not even using half my power right now.
CAPTAIN GINYU:: Aha, quite a substantial bluff. But a bluff, and nothing more. I've witnessed your abilities firsthand and I assure you that you're--
(Goku powers up in Kaio-ken, causing both Captain Ginyu and Jeice's scouters to start beeping rapidly. Goku powers down)
CAPTAIN GINYU: A hundred and eighty thousand... Hunh.
JEICE: Oy, cap'n, isn't your max power level only one hundred and--
CAPTAIN GINYU: DAAAUUUUGGHH! (holds his head and dives into the water)
JEICE: Yeah, one hundred and twenty thousand, that's what I thought.
GOKU: Is he gonna be okay?
JEICE: Eh, the cap'n? Yeah, he just does that sometimes.
(Ginyu comes back out of the water and holds his head)
CAPTAIN GINYU: GAH! Alright, I'm back.
JEICE: How ya going, cap'n?
CAPTAIN GINYU: How do you think?
JEICE: Well, cap'n, if you're getting stressed, you could always... you know.
CAPTAIN GINYU: Oh, Jeice! This is hardly the time or the place. Besides, I did it in the pod on the way here.
JEICE: Uh... I meant switch bodies, sir...
CAPTAIN GINYU: Ah, yes! Of course! (throws his scouter at Jeice, who catches it with one hand) Hold my scouter.
GOKU: Hey, what are you doing with your hand?
(Captain Ginyu punches a hole in his own chest)
GOKU: (completely shocked) Um, sir...? You're supposed to do that to me...
CAPTAIN GINYU: (in pain) Oh-ho, but you see... I DID do it to you.
GOKU: I don't understand...
CAPTAIN GINYU: CHANGE NOOOWWWW!
(Captain Ginyu switches bodies with Goku, laughing evilly while doing so. Camera shows a blurry vision of Goku in midair.)
GOKU: (thinking) Oh, wow... what happened? Everything seems... weird. (regains his vision and sees himself) Oh, hey! There's another me over there! I wonder if-- (starts moving forward but suddenly stops) Ahh! Ow! My chest! What in the... (looks down and sees Captain Ginyu's hand) Oh..
(camera reveals Goku in Captain Ginyu's body)
GOKU: (out loud in a different voice) Oh... ohhhh...
["TOKUSENTAI!!" ENDING SEQUENCE]
(cuts to Gohan and Krillin arriving back at the cave)
KRILLIN: Hey, Bulma... We're back.
GOHAN: How ya doing?
BULMA: I FOUGHT A GIANT CRAB!
KRILLIN: ...They make a special shampoo for that, I hear. (screen goes black as a punching sound is heard) Ow!