KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
(Scene opens up showing mountains followed by showing many wildlife until a Saiyan Space Pod comes crashing down at a distance, startling many ostriches and a farmer.)
FARMER: Oh God, no! My marijuana patch! I mean, er... my carrot patch... yeah! (thinking while driving towards the explosion) I better do what any sensible Middle American would do in this situation: (pulls out a rifle) Get mah gun!
(Space Pod opens up in a shiny light and Raditz emerges)
SPACE POD: Hello, and welcome to Earth... With open bar.
FARMER: Holy crap, it’s Sonic the Hedgeho-- Eh, no, it’s an alien! Holy sh**, it’s an alien!
RADITZ: Finally on this dead plan-- (notices teeming wildlife) Wait... What the crap? Did Kakarrot screw this up? Oh god dammit, I knew we should’ve sent Turles.
FARMER: Better think of something cool to say to make him stop! (cocks shotgun while Raditz scans him with his scouter) Hey, you! (thinking to himself) Heh, genius farmer, genius!
RADITZ: Aw, look at him. He thinks he’s people. What’s your power level, little human? (checks his power level with scouter) Five, huh?
FARMER: Protect me, gun! (fires a shot at Raditz, who catches the bullet with his hand)
RADITZ: Hey! No! Bad human! (flings the bullet back at the farmer, sending him flying at towards his truck and killing him)
FARMER: (extreme quickly while flying towards his truck) Dammit, I voted for Bush!
RADITZ: Bad! Now get back up and tell me you’re sorry! Human? Huuuman? (sighs) So this is why Dad said I couldn’t keep Appule...
(opening sequence; scene shifts to a wasteland, where Piccolo is standing on top of a pleateau)
PICCOLO: Good ol’ wasteland! Yep! Sure is some kickass training! Dammit I’m lonely. Might as well check MySpace. (opens up his MySpace page) No new comments... No friend requests... Dammit. Well at least I have you, Tom. You’re always there for me.
RADITZ: Hey! You!
PICCOLO: What the hell?
RADITZ: Are you Kakarrot? Seriously if you are, stay still! I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet! It’s really important! Oh, wait a second; you’re not Kakarrot. My bad!
PICCOLO: I’ve got green skin, pointy ears and a turban. Oh yeah, I must look like so many other people!
RADITZ: Oh, a smartass, huh? I don’t appreciate smartasses. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: Double Sun--
(Screen suddenly turns monochrome and the scene pauses)
VEGETA3986: Give me the mic!
LANIPATOR: What--? No--come on, man!
VEGETA3986: Dude-- Give me the mic!
(A picture of the original DragonBall appears on screen with the words 'We are experiencing technical difficulties' superimposed over the top and bottom.)
LANIPATOR: It’s a real attack na--
VEGETA3986: NO IT ISN’T!
LANIPATOR: Fine! Here, take it. I’ll just go practice my Vegeta. Ass!
(Scene rewinds and starts over)
RADITZ: (in a different voice) Now prepare yourself for my signature attack: Keep Your Eye on the Bir-- (scouter beeps) Oooh! A higher power level!
(Raditz flies higher in the air and looks around)
PICCOLO: (off-screen) Hey! What the hell! Weren’t you going to kill me?
RADITZ: Ah, there we go. Considering the average set by this one green guy and that farmer, the chances of this being Kakarrot are-- Dah, screw it, I’ll just go and check!
(Raditz flies off)
PICCOLO: Fine! Go ahead! I didn’t want your company anyway! Right Tom?
(scene changes to Kame House with Bulma's ship arriving and Bulma walking towards the front door)
BULMA: Hey, I’m here!
KRILLIN: BOOBS! I mean, Bulma!.... Hi!
BULMA: Oooooooookaaaaaaaay, how’s it going?
MASTER ROSHI: I’m drinking OJ! (cup changes to brown) Now it’s apple juice! (cup changes to orange) Now it’s beer! Yay beer! (chugs down beer)
KRILLIN: So where’s Yamcha?
BULMA: I think the bastard’s cheating on me!
KRILLIN: Why do you say that?
(flashback of Bulma walking in on Yamcha)
YAMCHA: (appears as a silhouette) Bulma! It’s not what it looks li-- oh okay, it’s totally what it looks like. Can I still live here? Please? Before this I was living in the desert. Oh, and did you change Puar’s litterbox yet?
PUAR: (appears as a silhouette) I made boom-boom!
(back to present)
KRILLIN: Oh, are you serious? Yamcha? Oh, that is so out of char-- so you’re single then?
(Goku jumps off Nimbus walks towards the front door)
GOKU: Hey guys!
(Bulma opens the door with Krillin running up after her)
KRILLIN: TAIL-- eh, wait, what?
(Goku laughs and holds up his arm)
BULMA: Uh Goku. I can’t help but notice that five-year-old you’re carrying.
KRILLIN: Goku, just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were a kid doesn’t mean you can go around stealing children.
GOKU: Erm, okay. (places Gohan on the ground) This is actually my son.
(Krillin, Bulma and Master Roshi are shocked along with the head of M. Night Shyamalan popping up)
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: What a twist!
BULMA: Oh wow! I guess this means you finally, you know.
GOKU: Know what?
MASTER ROSHI: (appearing right next to Goku) You know, "Bow chicka wow wow."
GOKU: What are those noises you’re making??
KRILLIN, BULMA, MASTER ROSHI: (thinking simultaneously) Oh my God, he’s a parent!
KRILLIN: So when’s the little guy gonna start training?
(Gohan is seen riding on Turtle)
GOKU: Actually, Chi-Chi is making him study. She wants him to grow up and be... what’s it called?
KRILLIN: A productive and responsible member of society?
GOKU: Yeah-- lame, that’s it! (to Gohan) Hey son, come here! (Gohan runs towards Goku) Stop playing with the turtle! We don’t need people saying things...
BULMA: Hey, is that a DragonBall on his head? Doesn’t that sorta make him a target for villains who might want them?
GOKU: Aw, come on. I beat Piccolo. I’m strong enough to beat anyone who-- (senses a disturbance) holy black on a Popo, what is that?!
MASTER ROSHI: What’s wrong?
GOKU: I just felt a power level bigger than... than... Krillin’s losing streak!
KRILLIN: (off-screen) ...You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy...
GOKU: (thinks) He’s getting closer!
KRILLIN: Shouldn’t we grab Gohan and put him insi-- (Raditz flies down in front of the group) Oh son of a...
RADITZ: It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you, Kakarrot.
RADITZ: That’s right, that’s your name.
RADITZ: The name you were given before we sent you to this planet!
RADITZ: Yooouuu... hit your head as a child, didn’t you?
(flashback of Goku banging his head as a baby)
RADITZ: Oh for god’s sakes, listen! (display montage of Goku's Space Pod travelling to Earth and a group of Saiyans) You were sent here as a child to take over the planet. You’re part of a dead race of intergalactic super warriors called the Saiyans. And to top off this expositional onslaught; I... am your brother!
(Shows the shocked faces of Goku, Bulma, Krillin, and Master Roshi. A also crab falls off a tree in total surprise)
KRILLIN: So you’re his brother, huh? (walks up towards Raditz) Wow, that must mean you’ll be involved in lots of future events, right? Right?
(Raditz hits Krillin with his tail, sending him flying straight into Kame House)
(Krillin Owned Count: 1)
KRILLIN: What did I say?
GOKU: Hey! Stop hitting Krillin!
GOKU: Because you’re breaking Kame House!
KRILLIN: (offscreen, weakly) Yeah... Stop breaking Kame House...
GOKU: So, what are you here for? The DragonBalls?
RADITZ: The... the dragon’s what?
GOKU: The DragonBalls, you know? There are seven of them. They grant any wish you want-- like immortality?
OOLONG: Or Bulma’s panties!
(cuts to Vegeta and Nappa on an unknown planet)
NAPPA: Vegeta, did you hear that?
VEGETA: Oh yeah, we’re totally going to Earth to get our wish!
NAPPA: Yeah, we’re gonna get panties! ...I mean immortality. Immortality is what I meant, right Vegeta?
VEGETA: ...Just get in the damn pod!
(cuts back to Kame House. Raditz walks towards Kame House while Bulma picks up Gohan and moves away.)
RADITZ: No... I’m here for you, Kakarrot.
GOKU: So, what are we gonna do? See a ballgame? Catch a movie?
RADITZ: We’re going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it for profit to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet. (scene shows a planet flashing and then exploding)
GOKU: Oh. Well, uh, I sorta like people here, so with all due respect-- (Raditz knees Goku in the stomach, sending him flying and screaming as he comes crashing down into the ground)
GOHAN: (runs towards Goku) Daddy!
RADITZ: (walks up and grabs Gohan) I’ll be taking this! Yoink! (flies away holding Gohan in his arm)
GOKU: (weakly) Quick! Somebody stop him! (crickets chirp in silence) Dammit, Krillin!
KRILLIN: Hey! I was bitch-slapped through a house! What’s your excuse?!
GOKU: I was kneed in the stomach!
(Krillin gasps and looks into the sky)
PICCOLO: You guys are pathetic! (Goku gasps while everyone looks at the sky and stares at Piccolo) ...What?
(Piccolo lands in front of the group)
GOKU: Aw jeez... Hey look, I know you totally wanna kill me and all, but today's kind of a bad day. My brother just showed up, turns out I’m an alien, he stole my kid!
PICCOLO: Oh yeah; I was watching that! That was priceless! (Piccolo starts laughing while Krillin and Master Roshi stare at him in disbelief) ...Sorry for your loss.
GOKU: Yeah. Anyway, wanna help me get him back?
GOKU: I’ll friend you on MySpace!
(Piccolo stares blanky at Goku and then the scene suddenly shifts to Goku and Piccolo flying towards Raditz)
PICCOLO: (in his thoughts) Tom, you’ve been replaced!
(Master Roshi is seen holding a Crunch bar)
MASTER ROSHI: Now it’s a Nestlé Crunch bar! (Crunch bar turns into a gummi bear) Now it’s a gummi bear! (gummi bear turns into Nappa's head) Now it’s Nappa!
NAPPA: Wait, what the hell?