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Vegeta: Kills Bugs Dead/Transcript

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[DISCLAIMER]

KAISERNEKO: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.

(Scene opens up with a full view of Snake Way.)

NARRATOR: After endless running and detours, Goku has finally reached the end of Snake Way. How very convenient.

(Goku looks up and notices a small planet in the sky)

GOKU: Oooooo! Oh wow, that must be King Kai’s place! (jumps towards King Kai's planet) Woohooo... (begins falling towards the planet) ...aaaaaahhhhhh--

(Goku crashes onto the planet)

KING KAI: (offscreen) Nice job, jackass!

GOKU: (in pain) Ow...

[OPENING SEQUENCE]

(Scene changes to outer space, where Vegeta and Nappa's Space Pods are seen flying through space.)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in the deep reaches of space...

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: (annoyed) No.

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: (becoming more annoyed) No!

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: (much more annoyed) NO!

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: (now very angry) NO!!

NAPPA: Are we there yet?

VEGETA: (even angrier) NO!!

NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta.

VEGETA: (ready to snap) WHAT?!

NAPPA: (sees that they are approaching Planet Arlia) Can we stop at that bug planet?

VEGETA: (temper stabilized) Nappa, if it’ll shut you up for five minutes then fine!

(scene shifts to Planet Arlia)

VEGETA: (looking at a floating debris) See? Look how fun this is.

(Two Arlians riding on giant millipede-like steeds appear out of the ground)

NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta-- the locals.

VEGETA: Seems they brought a welcome service.

NAPPA: You know, Vegeta, on some planets they really appreciate foreign commune. Really brings in the revenue. (One Arilan unsheathes their sword) They’ll probably treat us like royalty, considering the--

(Arilans handcuff Nappa and locks Vegeta and Nappa in a cell)

VEGETA: Well...

NAPPA: Yeah...

ARLIAN PRINCE: I see. You too have been imprisoned by our horrible fascist king.

(Arilan Prince continues to speaking unintelligibly offscreen while Vegeta and Nappa talk)

NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta.

VEGETA: What is it?

NAPPA: We’re in prison, Vegeta.

VEGETA: I see that, Nappa.

NAPPA: Hey.

VEGETA: What?

NAPPA: Don’t drop the soap.

VEGETA: I swear to God, Nappa, I will shiv you.

(Scene changes to King Kai's planet)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on the Kai planet...

GOKU: So, you’re King Kai.

KING KAI: That’s right. I am the most superior martial artist in all of the galaxy--

GOKU: (notices Bubbles) Ooo, a monkey!

KING KAI: Yes, this is my monkey, Bubbles. Say hello, Bubbles.

BUBBLES: (subtitled) You have come far, young warrior. Allow me to--

KING KAI: Alright, that’s enough, Bubbles. Anyway, welcome to my planet.

GOKU: (struggling to stand up) Man, I’m so heavy here!

KING KAI: Well, because of the small size of my planet, the gravity here is much more intense than that on Earth.

GREGORY: (offscreen) That doesn’t make any sense!

KING KAI: Shut up, Gregory! Alright, fine-- how’s this for a reason: I have an unbelievably powerful space pirate locked within the depths of my planet. That’s why the gravity is so heavy here.

BOJACK: (inside King Kai's Planet) Yarr! Get me out of here!

KING KAI: Shut up, Bojack! (stomps on the planet three times) Anyway, what are you here for?

GOKU: Oh! Well, King Kai, I need you to train me. (shows Vegeta and Nappa's Space Pods flying in space) There’s a terrible threat coming to our planet, and I’m its only hope. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to train me, I’ll withstand any test, I will try as hard as I have to, and I--

KING KAI: Sure.

GOKU: (dumbfounded) What?

KING KAI: I’ll train you.

GOKU: S-Seriously? I thought I have to do some kind of test.

KING KAI: Are you kidding me? The only company I’ve had for the last 500 years have been a disembodied pirate... (BOJACK: Yarr!) ...a monkey... (Bubbles screeches) ...and a grasshopper!

GREGORY: Actually, I’m a cricket.

KING KAI: Nobody cares!

BUBBLES: (clapping his hands; subtitled) I care!

KING KAI: You tell him, Bubbles!

GOKU: Wow, you’re right. I can’t imagine anything more boring than that.

(scene shifts to Planet Namek)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on Namek...

(scene goes inside Guru's house, where there's a long silence and a splashing sound can be heard)

GURU: Naaail. Naaaaail!

(Nail walks inside Guru's house and kneels)

NAIL: What is it, Lord Guru?

GURU: I saw a fish. That is all-- you can go back outside now.

NAIL: (walks outside of Guru's house; thinking) Oh God, this is so horribly dull. I hope something exciting happens around here soon. I don’t care what it is.

GURU: (offscreen) Naaaaail!!

NAIL: (sounding a bit annoyed) What?

GURU: (offscreen) I saw a bird. It was pretty. Kick its ass.

(Nail groans in annoyance)

(scene shifts to planet Arlia)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Arlia...

(scene goes to the Arlian prison cell, with the Arlian Prince still talking to Vegeta and Nappa)

ARLIAN PRINCE: As you can see, many questionable people have been locked away in here.

ARLIAN PRISONER: Welcome to Oz, bitch! That’s right, (to Vegeta) you with the spiky hair, you’re going to be my BITCH! I’m going to sell you for a cigarette-- but not before I violate you, because you’re my BI--

(Scene cuts to the Arilan throne room)

ARLIAN KING: I love ruling this planet with an iron fist! Right, my quee-- (throne room shakes as an explosion occurs offscreen) What in the great Arlian moon was that?

NAPPA: Hi!

ARLIAN KING: Who the f*** are you two?

NAPPA: Hi, I’m Nappa, and that’s Vegeta. He was a prison bitch.

VEGETA: Shut the hell up, Nappa!

NAPPA: 'Kay.

VEGETA: Anyway, we’re here because my partner’s an idiot. Now that we’ve got introductions out of the way, I think I’ll just kill you and--

NAPPA: Hey, Vegeta.

VEGETA: Oh God, what now?

NAPPA: (notices Arlian Queen) I think that’s their queen. I’m curious how they breed.

VEGETA: Oh, goddammit, Nappa-- that’s disgusting! I say we just--

NAPPA: (To Arlians) Hey, you guys, breed for us!

ARLIAN KING: Why should we listen to you? (Arlians guards begin surrounding Vegeta and Nappa) You’re surrounded by my thirteen elite... (Nappa kills guards with an explosion) ...dead guards. (to his wife) Well, you heard him, honey.

NAPPA: They’re not doing anything, they’re just standing on top of each other and... (a snapping sound is heard while both Arlians start mating) Awww, there we go!

(Nappa takes his cell phone and takes a picture. Vegeta’s cell phone vibrates, and he takes out his cell phone and sees the picture.)

VEGETA: (disgusted from what he saw) Oh, goddammit, Nappa!

(scene changes to Earth, on a barren wasteland)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Earth-- Piccolo has finally begun his training with Gohan.

GOHAN: So, Mr. Piccolo, what are you gonna teach me today? A brand new technique? How to sense energy? What about how to fly--

PICCOLO: Dodge! (kicks Gohan)

(scene cuts to the barren wasteland at dusk, Gohan is seen injured, has a wart covering his right eye and is sweating)

GOHAN: (thinking) Oh man, this training with Mr. Piccolo is really difficult. But I think I’m finally getting the hang of it--

PICCOLO: DODGE!

GOHAN: What? (gets blasted at point-blank by Piccolo) WAAAAAAAAAAA--

(scene cuts to Piccolo and Gohan in the middle of the wasteland accompanied with a long silence)

PICCOLO: (punches Gohan in the face) DOOOOOOODGE!

GOHAN: Aaaah!

(scene shifts to the Hall of Justice)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...

SUPERMAN: Alright everyone, we have to do something about these Saiyans. They’re approaching Earth quickly, and I don’t think we have the strength to take them on alone. Batman, what are your thoughts?

BATMAN: Well, I think...

AQUAMAN: (offscreen) I have an idea!

BATMAN: Oh God, it’s Aquaman...

AQUAMAN: (offscreen) Come on, guys, we could use whales! WHAAALES!

SUPERMAN: Someone, Get him out of here!

AQUAMAN: (sadly; offscreen) I’ma whaaaaales....

(Scene shifts to planet Arlia)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back on Arlia...

ARLIAN KING: There, I banged my wife, will ya leave us in peace?

VEGETA: Actually, no, I’m still going to kill you.

ARLIAN KING: Summon the Rancor!

(the Rancor arises from the ground, which is a gigantic Arlian)

NAPPA: Vegeta... It’s... It’s... It’s so cute! Can I keep it? Can I keep it?

VEGETA: Fine, just catch it or something.

NAPPA: Yay! (Rancor tries to attack Nappa, who grabs its hand) Here boy, shake-- (rips off one of the Rancor's fingers) Ahhh, I got your finger. Okay, now boy, catch the ball. Catch the ball! (hurls a blast at the Rancor, completely destroying it) Hagh! Awwww! Aww, I broked-ed it, Vegeta. It must be made of something weak-- like paper maché, or Raditz.

ARLIAN KING: (terrified and begins running up to his throne) Please, I’ll do anything you want! (Vegeta begins hurling debris at the king's throne) We’ll give you riches, womens-- Wait, what are you doing?

VEGETA: I’m about to rock you... like a hurricane.

ARLIAN KING: I love that song! (debris hits the king in the torso, killing him) AAUGHWRR!

VEGETA: Ha, did you see that, Nappa-- that was totally bada-- (looks towards Nappa) What are you doing?

NAPPA: (offscreen) I’m cuddling it, Vegeta.

VEGETA: It’s dead, Nappa.

NAPPA: NOOOOOO!! (cries) Oh, I remember when we first got him, Vegeta.

(flashback of Nappa Killing the Rancor with Barbara Streisand’s “The Way We Were” playing in the background)

NAPPA: Ah, good times.

ARLIAN: You have freed our race! You two are the greatest heroes known to our planet! We shall erect statues of you...

NAPPA: Well, isn’t that nice of them, Vege--

ARLIAN: ...out of our dung.

(silence)

NAPPA: Well, isn’t that nice of them, Ve--

VEGETA: We’re leaving, Nappa.

NAPPA: 'Kay.

(Vegeta and Nappa fly to their Space Pods and leave Arlia)

NAPPA: Look at us, Vegeta, we saved an entire race from tyranny. We’re heroes, Vegeta-- we are a couple of really great guy--

(Vegeta exits his pod and destroys Arlia)

NAPPA: Ha ha! Ahaha! Ahh... tragic.

[ENDING SEQUENCE]

[STINGER]

(scene shifts to a barren wasteland with Gohan eating berries)

GOHAN: Wow, I finally learned how to survive all by myself, live on my own, and surviving off the fat of the land. Mr. Piccolo will be so proud-- (gets blasted) YAAAYYYAYAYAY... (falls down and starts mumbling)

PICCOLO: (offscreen) DOOOOOOOOODGE!!!

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